You Coach You

How do you navigate a career when there’s no longer a clear ladder to climb? In You Coach You, Helen Tupper and Sarah Ellis pose this crucial question for the modern worker living in what they call “squiggly careers” — careers defined not by predictable linear progression but by flexibility, change, and self-directed growth. They argue that in place of traditional career structures and corporate career ladders, individuals must learn to become their own coaches. Coaching yourself isn’t a luxury; it’s a necessity for thriving in uncertain, dynamic work environments.

Tupper and Ellis contend that everyone — not just executives or those with access to professional coaching — can learn the skills and mindset to guide their own development. Through what they term “self-coaching,” you build self-awareness, resilience, and confidence to face career challenges. The authors’ ambition, born from their work with Amazing If and their popular Squiggly Careers podcast, is to democratize the power of coaching so that anyone can overcome obstacles and design a career that works for them. At its heart, You Coach You is a practical manual for building ownership, direction, and meaning in your work.

The Shift from Ladder to Squiggle

The traditional career ladder has collapsed under the weight of modern life. No longer can we depend on linear ascents toward security and seniority. Instead, we face “squiggly” paths — unpredictable, non-linear journeys where change, experimentation, and flexibility define success. Tupper and Ellis encourage readers to embrace the squiggle, rather than fear it. The book opens by framing the “coaching catch-22”: while everyone recognizes the value of coaching, the cost and inaccessibility mean most people never receive it. Hence, learning to coach yourself closes this gap.

What It Means to Coach Yourself

Coaching yourself means asking the right questions to gain clarity about what matters to you and take positive action. You’re not mentoring yourself (telling yourself what to do), nor merely reflecting (thinking deeply without action). Self-coaching is active inquiry – the skill of questioning, listening, and understanding your emotions and goals so you can move forward. As the authors put it, “Coaching isn’t therapy – it’s product development with you as the product.” You’re constantly iterating and improving yourself, guided not by external validation but inner clarity.

The Coaching Framework

The book organizes coaching into three pillars: mindset, skillset, and toolkit. The mindset involves shifting from a fixed mindset (“I can’t do this”) to a growth mindset (“I can learn how to do this”) and replacing internal critics with constructive inner coaches. The skillset covers listening, questioning, and developing self-awareness — what psychologist Tasha Eurich calls “seeing yourself clearly and understanding how others see you.” Finally, the toolkit introduces practical frameworks such as thinking traps to positive prompts, open questions, and the signature COACH model: Clarity, Options, Action, Confidence, and Help.

Why These Ideas Matter

In an era of constant transformation, no organization can promise stability. Yet you can build a resilient career by focusing on what you can control — yourself. Through self-coaching, you can navigate challenges like burnout, self-doubt, and lack of direction. Tupper and Ellis dismantle myths of “overnight success” and transactional career progress, replacing them with sustainable personal development. Their toolkit doesn’t just show how to survive; it empowers you to thrive — by reframing your challenges, learning from adversity, and creating what they call “career confidence.”

What You’ll Learn From This Book

Across seven coaching topics — resilience, time, self-belief, relationships, progression, and purpose — you’ll explore how to manage each essential area of your career. You’ll learn, for example, to build resilience reserves for when adversity hits, take control of your time rather than letting busyness rule, move from doubt to self-belief, build relationships that sustain you, progress with momentum, and uncover a sense of purpose that drives meaningful work. The book concludes with advice collected from leaders, athletes, and creatives, reinforcing the timeless truth that careers are “works-in-progress.” There’s no fixed endpoint. The end is simply the beginning of continual growth.

“Nothing worth doing is easy,” the authors remind us. Coaching yourself is an ongoing practice of learning, questioning, and growing. If you keep coaching, you keep progressing — and that, ultimately, is what builds a career as brilliant and individual as you are.”

To coach yourself effectively, Tupper and Ellis insist, you must begin by managing your mindset — the foundation of self-coaching. Without the right mindset, any progress will feel temporary and hollow. They spotlight three cognitive challenges that derail progress: mindset magnets, thinkers and doers, and critic creep.

Growth vs. Fixed Mindset Magnets

Drawing on psychologist Carol Dweck’s work on growth mindset, the authors show how beliefs act like magnets pulling us toward learning or stagnation. When you’re stuck in a fixed mindset, you tell yourself “I’m not good enough” or “This won’t work for me.” Growth-minded coaching replaces those internal dialogues with “not yet” — a small shift that unlocks possibility. By labeling moments of growth (“When have I felt confident? When have I stretched my skills?”), you anchor progress in evidence rather than fear.

Thinkers vs. Doers — Finding Balance

Are you someone who loves reflection but resists action, or someone who jumps into doing and avoids deliberation? Most people favor one style over the other. Sarah is a ‘thinker,’ whose deep reflection sometimes delays progress; Helen is a ‘doer,’ who embraces experimentation but can get impatient. The balance, they explain, comes from “trying on” the opposite approach — doers practising pausing, thinkers practising small actions. This concept echoes psychologist Donald Schön’s “reflective practitioner” idea: effective learners alternate between reflection and practice.

Calming the Inner Critic

Our inner critic — the mental voice whispering “you’re not enough” — thrives on negativity bias, the brain’s habit of paying more attention to failures than successes. Tupper and Ellis introduce “critic creep”: when that voice gains volume the more we listen to it. Their antidotes are deceptively simple yet transformative: talk to yourself like your best friend would, and write self-supporting statements such as “I build my belief by being the best version of me.” In neuroscience terms, affirmations rewire synaptic patterns; repeated self-supporting statements strengthen circuits of confidence (as noted by positive psychology research).

“Asking for help isn’t weakness,” the authors write. “It’s a sign of strength.” By redefining success through continual learning, you move past perfectionism and develop emotional resilience.

Mastering your mindset turns coaching inward from instruction to introspection — a dialogue with yourself grounded in curiosity, compassion, and commitment. Once you’ve built that foundation, you can layer skills on top of it.

Having the right mindset is only half the battle; you also need concrete skills to coach yourself effectively. The authors identify three vital skills — self-awareness, listening, and questioning. Together they form the mechanics of insight that drive meaningful change.

Self-Awareness: Seeing Yourself Clearly

Researcher Tasha Eurich estimates that only 10–15% of people are truly self-aware. Tupper and Ellis distinguish between internal (knowing your strengths, values, and goals) and external (knowing how others see you) awareness. Their tools — “press pause” moments and “feedback friends” — help you cultivate both. Pressing pause means stopping briefly to reflect (“When did I have a positive impact?”). Feedback friends are trusted people who’ll tell you what you need to hear, not just what you want to hear. Helen’s story about Bruce Daisley calling their first TEDx talk “a bit dull” exemplifies how honest feedback accelerates growth.

Listening: Hearing Yourself and Others

Listening is often mistaken for waiting to speak. The authors urge readers to listen deeply — to others and themselves — to uncover insights that surface only in silence. Exercises like “interruption insight” reveal how much we sabotage our own focus. When you track how often you interrupt or get distracted (emails, devices, jumping thoughts), you realize that focus is a skill to train. The “dive deeper” metaphor turns listening into exploration — moving from surface-level facts to feelings and fears. As Einstein famously said, spend most of your time asking the right questions; they’re what reveal truth.

Questioning: Unlocking Insight Through Curiosity

The authors’ three O’s of great coaching questions — Open, One at a Time, and Ownership — act as a formula for productive inquiry. Open questions go beyond yes/no answers; one-at-a-time questions prevent cognitive overload; ownership reframes problems from “they did this to me” to “what can I do?” They also introduce creative techniques like the five connected whys to trace the root of a problem, and “investigator/explorer” modes to shift perspective between analysis and discovery. (Note: similar methods appear in Toyota’s ‘5 Whys’ lean technique for problem-solving.)

Self-awareness shows you who you are, listening helps you understand what matters, and questioning guides what to do next — together they form the triad that powers self-coaching.

Once you master these skills, you can apply them using the book’s COACH toolkit to transform insights into action.

To transform reflection into progress, Tupper and Ellis introduce the COACH framework — their structured method for tackling any career challenge. COACH stands for Clarity, Options, Action, Confidence, and Help, designed to guide you through both exploration and execution.

Clarity: Understanding What’s Really Going On

Every coaching process begins with clarity. You ask, “What’s on my mind right now? What’s the real problem I’m trying to solve?” Without clarity, you risk fixing the wrong issue. Examples like employees frustrated at managers are reframed through clarity: “Is my challenge about feedback, trust, or communication?” This step mirrors problem definition in design thinking — you must see the problem clearly to solve it correctly.

Options: Exploring Possibilities

Once you understand your challenge, you brainstorm options — not answers. Exploration is key: “How might others approach this? What could I do differently?” By imagining multiple directions, you build flexibility and creative thinking. The “investigator” technique helps when you’re stuck; you detach emotionally and look at facts. The “explorer” mode revives curiosity when possibilities seem blocked.

Action: Turning Insight into Movement

Progress happens only through action. The authors make a distinction between action-itis (doing for doing’s sake) and deliberate action guided by reflection. Each small step — sending an email, scheduling a conversation, practising a new skill — reinforces momentum. Research cited from Amazing If workshops shows readers who actively use the COACH template are far more likely to achieve meaningful career change than those who merely consume inspirational advice.

Confidence and Help: Strengthening and Supporting Yourself

Confidence measures your commitment. Ask: “On a scale from 1 to 10, how confident am I in acting on this?” If your answer is low, the framework helps identify barriers and strategies to raise it. Finally, Help recognizes that no progress happens alone. Listing “Who could help me?” reveals overlooked allies — mentors, peers, family, online communities. The acronym itself ends with collaboration, reminding you that self-coaching is not solitary improvement but connected growth.

The COACH framework isn’t about filling out a template; it’s about practising a new way of thinking — systematic curiosity that turns insight into confidence and action.

Resilience isn’t about bouncing back to where you were — it’s about learning to move forward. Tupper and Ellis redefine resilience as “your ability to adapt to adversity, from everyday frustrations to major changes.” You build resilience through daily habits, not crisis management. They describe two core ideas: your resilience range (how you respond across challenges) and your resilience reserves (the proactive energy that helps you adapt before adversity strikes).

Six Dimensions of Resilience

Readers assess themselves across six domains: optimism, asking for help, celebrating successes, support systems, rest and recovery, and life outside work. Each has practical exercises. For instance, when pessimism sets in, use “fault-to-feedback” to transform self-blame into learning. When burnout looms, practise “active rest” — activities like gardening or playing music that absorb you completely and restore your cognitive resources (based on Alex Pang’s Rest). Even small “simple pleasures,” like coffee or long baths, nurture positivity outside work.

From Adversity to Action

The authors introduce the “adversity audit” — a short reflection tool to capture facts before emotions spiral: What’s happening? Why? What next? This audit allows you to separate reaction from reality. Further, the “mental time travel” technique uses past experiences to learn coping strategies and future visualization to plot realistic actions. Psychologist Gabriele Oettingen’s “mental contrasting” combines positive imagining with identifying obstacles — turning wishful thinking into grounded progress.

The Power of Asking for Help

In a standout section, campaigner Kajal Odedra reminds readers that help is reciprocal — “humans are wired to help each other.” She advocates mentoring as structured, courageous help-seeking. When you see help not as weakness but as wisdom, you activate community resilience. Barack Obama’s quote encapsulates this idea: asking for help shows strength, not inadequacy.

Resilience, the authors say, “isn’t a bounce – it’s a reset.” It’s building the confidence and capability to face what comes next, strengthened rather than shaken by experience.

Busyness isn’t a badge of honor; it’s a trap. In the chapter on Time, the authors expose how workplace culture glorifies “busy-bragging” — equating activity with achievement. Coaching yourself on time means replacing volume with value. You move beyond productivity hacks to intentional living: making time for work that matters and designing a work–life fit that supports your well-being.

Moving Beyond Busy

Studies show that “tunneling” — the narrowing of attention under time scarcity — drops IQ and decision quality. To escape tunneling, the authors endorse Cal Newport’s mantra: “Do less, do better, know why.” They debunk myths such as “an app will fix my schedule” and “more output means more success.” True time management is managing yourself, not your hours.

Work–Life Fit, Not Balance

Instead of idealistic balance, the book advocates for “fit” — imperfect yet authentic integration of work and life. Burnout isn’t failure; it’s feedback. Through the metaphor of Netflix-style “life documentaries,” readers review their career “series” — from “Intense” to “Growing” — to identify what’s working and what needs recalibration. This constant calibration, a weekly check-in asking “Am I happy with how I spent my time?”, fosters sustainable self-management.

Trade-Offs and Flow

Using “if/then” statements, you analyze trade-offs (“If I prioritise learning, then I must reduce admin”). Quality, not quantity, defines success. They expand on Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi’s concept of flow — the focused zone of deep work — identifying energy states (autopilot, boredom, effort, flow) and teaching how to feed your flow with clear goals, challenge, feedback, and satisfaction. Removing “flow foes” (distractions and fragmented attention) lets creativity flourish.

Practical Tactics

Tupper and Ellis end with pragmatic techniques: monk mode (periods of deep focus), pomodoro cycles, “goalden hour” productivity, “to-think” lists, and the two-minute rule from David Allen’s Getting Things Done. Each tactic aligns with self-coaching principles: choose your focus intentionally, calibrate continuously, and protect your energy like a resource — because it is one.

“Beware the barrenness of a busy life,” the authors echo Socrates. Coaching yourself on time isn’t about squeezing more in; it’s about creating more meaning through mindful management.

Everyone experiences self-doubt, yet few learn to use it productively. Helen Tupper and Sarah Ellis redefine self-belief not as arrogance or blind confidence, but as self-compassionate clarity — responding to setbacks with curiosity rather than criticism. Psychologist Susan David calls this emotional agility, and the authors translate it into practical steps for everyday work.

Understanding Self-Belief

Beliefs are mental shortcuts. Negative beliefs (“I’m not smart enough”) create limits; positive beliefs (“I can learn and grow”) open possibilities. You can rewire belief systems by switching from limiting to limitless lenses — transforming “failure” into “learning.” This reframing echoes Albert Bandura’s research on self-efficacy: mastery, modeling, encouragement, and difficulty strengthen belief. Seeing peers succeed, accepting positive feedback, and persisting through challenges reshape how you see yourself.

The Wall of Self-Belief

The book provides a diagnostic tool — the Wall of Self-Belief — with nine “bricks” across thinking, saying, and doing. Each shaded brick (positive belief) reinforces your foundation; each unshaded brick (negative self-talk) highlights a gap. For instance, if you say “yes” when you want to say “no,” you risk eroding self-respect. Rebuilding the wall means practising boundaries, recognizing strengths, and increasing time spent in what they call the courage zone — where learning replaces fear.

From Doubt to Courage

The authors borrow from Farrah Storr’s The Discomfort Zone to teach “brief moments of discomfort” (BMDs): small risks that stretch belief without overwhelming you. These include speaking up, asking questions, or volunteering for unfamiliar projects. Lucy Gossage’s story of transforming self-doubt into Ironman victories shows what’s possible when belief turns from limitation to liberation.

“Turns out believing in yourself,” they write, “is something you have to do over and over again.” Self-belief isn’t perfection; it’s practice.

Through techniques like naming the critic, saying “you” to yourself, and crafting affirmations, you turn self-coaching into steady self-trust — a quieter, sturdier form of confidence that endures beyond applause.

Careers thrive on connections. Yet relationships are often the hardest part of work. In their chapter on Relationships, Tupper and Ellis emphasize that quality relationships — not quantity — determine success and satisfaction. They explore how to build, sustain, and repair connections using principles of difference, distance, and donate.

Difference: Embrace Cognitive Diversity

Surrounding yourself with people just like you feels comfortable but limits learning. Referencing Matthew Syed’s Rebel Ideas, the authors illustrate that diverse teams make better decisions precisely because they challenge assumptions. Seek relationships that stretch you, including those who disagree. Your best allies may be those who think differently.

Distance: Strong and Weak Ties

Borrowing from sociologist Mark Granovetter, they distinguish strong ties — your trusted confidants — from weak ties, distant contacts who bring fresh perspectives and opportunities. Building both is crucial. The “career community” framework (5 confidants, 15 counsel, 50 connections) maps who supports you daily and who expands your network. Regular small gestures — “five-minute favours” like sharing resources or introducing contacts — strengthen this web of support.

Donate: Giving Builds Growth

Inspired by Adam Grant’s Give and Take, they argue that successful professionals are generous without being selfless. Givers contribute insight and effort while maintaining boundaries. Whether mentoring juniors or thanking colleagues, giving without tallying scores nurtures trust — the currency of constructive collaboration.

Repairing Relationships

Conflicts happen. Managers matter most — Gallup research shows 70% of engagement depends on them. To fix friction, practise courageous conversations using the SORT framework (Situation, Observation, Reaction, Together). This turns confrontation into dialogue. Empathy exercises like “switching positions” and “understudy skills” foster understanding. And recognizing communication styles — from “heated hexagons” to “consensus circles” — helps you adapt rather than react.

As Amy Gallo notes, “constructive conflict leads to better work outcomes and higher job satisfaction.” Learning to disagree respectfully can transform relationships into sources of learning, not stress.

Relationships are dynamic. You don’t fix them once; you maintain them continually. By investing in difference, distance, and donation, you build a network resilient enough to sustain your career for the long haul.

Traditional promotion cycles are fading. Progression, say Tupper and Ellis, should mean moving forward with momentum — not merely moving upward. They challenge ladder logic with personal progression defined by curiosity, learning, and ownership.

Owning Your Career

Waiting for opportunities means surrendering control. The authors teach “career ownership”: proactively crafting new roles, seeking learning, and building paths. Examples include Sarah designing a cross-company rotation at Boots, Helen negotiating a lateral move at E.ON, and both redefining flexibility at Sainsbury’s. Proactive progression builds adaptability — the best defense against change halfway through a squiggly career.

Priorities Over Promotions

Instead of chasing readiness-made rewards like grades and bonuses (which psychologist John Condry calls “enemies of exploration”), the authors help you identify meaningful motivation through exercises like “planets of progression.” You map possibilities — from side projects and volunteering to job redesign — and prioritize via an energy and fit matrix: Priorities (start now), Hard to Do’s (need exploration), Shiny Objects (avoid distraction), Stop (let go).

Prototype and Persist

Borrowing from design thinking, “progression prototyping” turns aspiration into testing. You build small experiments — shadowing, mentoring, or trialing projects — to learn what works. Adam Morgan’s “can–if” method and his concept of a “stubbornly adaptive mindset” teach how constraints can be catalysts: rather than complaining “I can’t because,” replace it with “I can if.” Each prototype increases confidence, and involving supporters multiplies commitment.

Progression is less about titles and more about traction — knowing what moves you forward and practising persistence even when progress feels slow.

Purpose is the compass that guides every squiggly career. Tupper and Ellis define purpose not as lofty passion but as a practical direction — an ongoing commitment to doing work that feels meaningful. Forget perfection; think evolution.

Direction, Not Destination

Your purpose isn’t to find something fixed; it’s to follow what feels significant. They warn against “purpose anxiety,” psychologist Larissa Rainey’s term for the stress of not knowing your why. The antidote is exploration: create a “purpose mind-map” with inspirations, passions, learning desires, and the changes you’d like to see if you were ninety. Then test “pessimistic purpose” questions — examining what frustrates you to clarify what matters.

Work-in-Progress Purpose

Purpose evolves. Tupper and Ellis invite you to draft “work-in-progress purpose statements” — simple yet motivating phrases like Katherine Ellis’s “Helping someone to feel their best” or Rob George’s “Solving problems that positively impact people.” These everyday purposes anchor meaning where it matters: in daily work, not grand missions. Daniel Cable’s research on “Alive at Work” demonstrates that living one’s purpose improves engagement fivefold.

Maximizing Meaning Through Strengths and Impact

Three tools help you link meaning to action: strengths (use what energizes you), purpose fit (align your organization’s direction with yours), and positive people impact (build “helper’s high” through giving). Mapping your “You Create You” profile — including what you do, your reputation, and who you affect — turns abstract purpose into tangible progress. Dan Cable’s advice to “follow your blisters” adds a grounded twist: commit to the work that challenges yet compels you. That’s purpose in motion.

Purpose isn’t about passion; it’s about persistence. It’s the continuous act of aligning what you care about with what you contribute — the steady rhythm that turns work into meaning.