Worthy of Her Trust

Can you rebuild trust after sexual betrayal—or is it permanently shattered? In Worthy of Her Trust, Jason Martinkus and Stephen Arterburn offer one of the most practical, compassionate roadmaps available for husbands seeking to restore trust after infidelity or sexual addiction. Drawing from Jason’s personal story of betrayal, near-divorce, redemption, and renewal, this book addresses not only how to repair a marriage but how to rebuild integrity and manhood from the ground up.

Martinkus contends that sexual sin doesn’t have to be the end of a marriage, but rebuilding trust demands humility, consistency, and exhaustive honesty. Trust isn’t rebuilt through promises or time alone—it’s reconstructed through tangible, lived-out behaviors and a transformed heart. You aren’t just repairing what broke; you’re building a new man and a new relationship. The book weaves biblical insight, clinical counseling practice, and the rawness of Jason and Shelley Martinkus’s journey into a framework of transformation that integrates honesty, accountability, and empathy.

Why This Matters

Sexual betrayal shakes a marriage to its foundation—with trust being the primary casualty. Martinkus begins with the tough question, “How can I ever trust you again?” and answers it not with theory, but with lived experience. Drawing from his years of counseling men and teaching at the Every Man’s Battle workshops, he offers specific tools for honesty, open access, daily accountability, and emotional transparency. Shelley’s additions throughout the book serve as a counterpoint: she speaks for the betrayed person’s heart, helping husbands understand how trust feels from the other side.

The Journey Ahead

The book unfolds in four major movements: exchanging myths for reality, practicing the non-negotiables of trust rebuilding, mending wounds through restitution and amends, and learning practical tactics for long-term restoration. Each phase walks through deception and recovery with realism—Martinkus never minimizes the pain or pretends restoration is quick. He emphasizes what psychologist David Clarke (author of I Don’t Want a Divorce) and Arterburn himself have consistently said: repentance plus consistent change leads to deeper trust than the relationship had before betrayal.

A New Definition of Integrity

At the center of Martinkus’s argument is a theological and psychological redefinition of integrity. He reminds men that the root of the word “integrity” is integer—a whole number. You become integrated when your outward life matches your inner beliefs. The opposite of integrity is compartmentalization, the ability to separate your work self from your home self, or your spiritual self from your sexual self. True recovery, he says, means integration—living as one whole, known, accountable man before God and your spouse.

From Hopelessness to Hope

Through stories of brokenness—like Jason's destructive descent into pornography, affairs, and deception—and Shelley’s agonizing process of forgiveness, the reader sees the reality of hope. Trust building is painful art, like crafting a sculpture one Lego at a time. It requires spiritual commitment, honesty, transparency, accountability, and empathy, all sustained through God’s grace. Rebuilding trust is ultimately an act of worship—a husband pursuing holiness as he becomes a trustworthy man again. This journey is not simply about getting a wife back; it’s about becoming the kind of man who is worthy of her trust.

Before rebuilding can begin, Martinkus dismantles the most common misconceptions about trust restoration. These myths act as traps that keep couples cycling through disappointment instead of hope. He outlines eight major myths and shows how they distort reality for both husband and wife.

Time Does Not Heal All Wounds

The first myth—that time heals—sounds comforting but is false. Martinkus explains that time only provides context for action; without daily, intentional repair, pain merely buries itself deeper. Shelley’s reflection echoes this truth: every day she was “watching and waiting” for evidence of change. Time becomes healing only when each day is filled with trust-building behavior—what Martinkus calls paving the way through repentance, openness, and consistency.

Stopping Bad Behavior Isn’t Enough

The second myth—that simply not acting out sexually will rebuild trust—is emotionally appealing but incomplete. Not sinning again only stops harm; it doesn’t create healing. True restoration requires engaging in “redemptive new behavior” (Ephesians 4:28)—initiating talks, sharing feelings, and serving abundantly. A husband’s transformation shows through selflessness, not abstinence.

Control and Forgiveness Misunderstood

Martinkus also challenges the belief that “trust will return once she stops being so controlling.” Often what appears as control is self-protection. A hurt wife needs temporary boundaries to feel safe—monitoring devices, access to passwords, or transparency. Prematurely demanding her trust erases accountability. Similarly, forgiveness cannot be forced or equated with trust. Genuine forgiveness helps healing, but trust only grows through consistent repentance and reliability.

Spiritual Shortcuts Don’t Work

Equating prayer alone or divine deliverance with recovery is another myth. Faith is essential, Martinkus and Arterburn emphasize, but praying the problem away isn’t realistic. God expects faith expressed through daily obedience and vulnerability, not “cheap grace.” You have to pray and act. As James writes, “Faith without works is dead.” Restoring broken trust requires both the spiritual heart and practical hands working to rebuild safety again.

Martinkus introduces one of his most powerful metaphors: the closet full of boxes. In sexually addicted men, life is divided into compartments—family, work, church, sexual sin—each kept separate so none overlap. Compartmentalization is a psychological defense that lets a man act destructively while claiming to love his wife and worship God.

The Closet of Boxes

Imagine a wall lined with shoeboxes labeled “Home,” “Family,” “Work,” “Church,” “Sexual Sin.” When he opens the Family box, he attends birthday parties and smiles over breakfast. When temptation hits, he locks that box and opens “Sexual Sin,” indulging secretly in pornography or an affair. Once satisfied, he closes that box and reopens “Church,” confident no one sees the overlap. This divided existence destroys integrity—the mathematical opposite of fragmentation.

Integration: The Path Back to Wholeness

Healing demands dumping every box onto the floor so the contents mingle. Work and worship mix; family and faith converge; Sexual Sin gets cleaned out. That integration—the merging of every identity—is integrity. Arterburn likens this process to spiritual surgery: everything hidden is exposed so that wholeness can begin. You can’t rebuild trust while living multiple lives.

False Intimacy

Compartmentalization fuels false intimacy—a cheap imitation of relational connection. In porn or sexual acting out, you feel desired and powerful without risk or vulnerability. True intimacy, Martinkus argues, requires being fully known—what he calls “IN2MEC,” or “into-me-see.” Real intimacy exposes weakness and accepts rejection, but without this exposure, love cannot be trusted. (Psychologist Patrick Carnes, author of Out of the Shadows, similarly writes that sexual addiction is “a pathological intimacy disorder.”)

For couples, recognizing false intimacy helps both partners reclaim a healthier definition of connection—one built on honesty, emotional sharing, and mutual vulnerability. When you cease hiding boxes, you make space for real life, where faith and marriage coexist in full light.

The first non-negotiable of rebuilding trust is spiritual commitment. Martinkus asserts that nothing will transform a man apart from God’s power and presence. But spirituality cannot be a smokescreen—it must lead to repentance and character formation. He cites his own mantra: “Nothing on the planet will stop me from becoming the man God is calling me to be.” That passion, lived consistently, convinced Shelley her husband’s change was authentic.

Authentic Spiritual Leadership

Leading spiritually doesn’t mean quoting Scripture at your wife or forcing devotionals. It means modeling humility and repentance. Martinkus warns against manipulative “Christian-speak”—men using verses about submission or forgiveness to control their wives. True leadership begins in confession and ends in service. Arterburn compares this attitude to Paul’s radical transformation after conversion: people didn’t trust him initially; it took years of consistent behavior to prove his faith genuine.

Radical Honesty

Martinkus’s phrase “I’d rather lose you than lie to you” captures the second non-negotiable. Complete honesty—even about small things like traffic or receipts—reestablishes safety. Husbands often rationalize “white lies” to avoid discomfort, but every lie reactivates old wounds. He teaches active truth telling, which means preemptively sharing information rather than waiting to be asked. Active honesty relieves wives from playing detective, shifting emotional energy from suspicion to restoration.

Living in the Light

Transparency replaces secrecy. Open access—shared passwords, emails, finances—is part of spiritual worship. When you live as if God and your spouse have full visibility, you purify motives. Arterburn connects this to James 5:16, “Confess your sins to each other and pray for one another.” Transparency breeds healing because it aligns your private world with your professed values. When your wife no longer has to guess, she begins to trust again.

Recovery doesn’t happen alone. Martinkus insists on accountability as a cornerstone of both spiritual maturity and trust rebuilding. Isolation is betrayal’s breeding ground; community is its cure. He recommends three accountability partners—men who embody honesty, integrity, and pro-marriage values. This triad offers redundancy, empathy, and truth-telling when shame tempts relapse.

The Barnabas Principle

Arterburn compares this to Barnabas vouching for Paul before suspicious disciples (Acts 9). A wife’s skepticism mirrors those early believers—she needs testimony confirming that change is real. When accountability partners affirm a husband’s progress, external witnesses validate authenticity. Martinkus’s own recovery owed much to three men—James, Kirt, and Kurt—who called him daily, met weekly, and refused to let him give up. “They saved my life,” he writes.

How to Be Accountable

True accountability is not control but voluntary disclosure. Each meeting includes honest check-ins about sexual purity, emotions, spiritual growth, and family leadership. The goal is connection, not confession as performance. Some groups use humorous code words (“Mickey D’s” for masturbation) to maintain discretion—laughter helps normalize honesty. But beneath humor is radical openness. Accountability partners become mirrors reflecting both failures and growth.

Living Known

Martinkus writes, “You can never fully accept acceptance until you’re fully known.” Fear of exposure keeps men stuck in secrecy and shame. Accountability relationships model grace with truth—where confession meets compassion. Through mutual challenge and empathy, a husband learns vulnerability that later translates to his marriage. Being known is not weakness; it’s the soil of integrity. And when a wife sees her husband open to being known by others, she begins to believe he can be known by her again.

To make the past truly past, Martinkus presents the most structured practical tool of the book: the Amends Matrix. It guides husbands through seven steps of recognizing harm, articulating empathy, and envisioning healing. Unlike superficial apologies, this process costs you something—it’s restitution, not reassurance. Borrowing from the biblical model of Zacchaeus’s payback (Luke 19), Martinkus emphasizes that authentic redemption repays emotional debt with sacrifice and change.

Seven Steps to Restoration

• 1. Trace the Touch Point: Identify current moments that trigger old wounds—like a restaurant where betrayal occurred.
• 2. Tap into the Past: Acknowledge specifically what you did to cause pain, using detailed examples.
• 3. Explain the Why: Describe your motives—fear, insecurity, selfishness—without blame or justification.
• 4. Presence in Pain: Empathize fully with what she felt; step into her emotional world.
• 5. Engage Empathy (Not Self-Pity): Express remorse and conviction—not guilt theater.
• 6. Describe How You Want Her to Feel Now: Offer vision for renewed confidence, safety, honor.
• 7. Cast the Vision: Paint a picture of the future built on trust and intimacy.

Restitution as Worship

Restitution goes beyond fairness; it reflects divine mercy. Jesus’s sacrifice wasn’t “fair”—it was extravagant restitution for undeserved grace. Similarly, a husband’s repayment requires going above mere apology—creating safety, honoring boundaries, and restoring dignity. Offering privacy surrender, full accountability, or career changes becomes your act of worship.

Making the Past the Past

Using the Amends Matrix repeatedly allows old wounds to heal cleanly instead of festering. Each time triggers arise, you revisit empathy and offer comfort rather than defense. Over time, scars fade into memorials—not reminders of betrayal but of redemption. As Arterburn summarizes, “Restitution will result in closure.” Forgiveness frees your wife’s heart; restitution frees yours.

Near the end, Martinkus distills a series of practical habits—the granular, day-to-day rhythms that turn theory into transformation. These tools may appear small, but each one reinforces consistency, transparency, and reliability, the currencies of trust. Implemented together, they move couples from stagnation to security.

The Five-Minute Rule

If your wife calls, you return the call within five minutes—every time. This rule sounds trivial, but it symbolizes reliability and respect. If you can’t respond, pre-communicate why and when you’ll reconnect. Each answered call lays another Lego of trust. When technology fails—as it once did for Jason—own it instead of blaming. Integrity grows not when you’re flawless, but when you’re accountable.

T-30 Journal and Financial Transparency

The T-30 Journal tracks your day in thirty-minute intervals. Reviewing it together removes secrecy from time use. Similarly, financial transparency—open accounts, receipts, and budgets—translates honesty into tangible proof. Money, Martinkus writes, “is objective accountability.”

Boundaries and Technology

He recommends deleting social media and implementing filters and monitors like Covenant Eyes or X3watch. Yet nuance matters—filters are speed bumps, not cures. Open access matters more than technological policing. Trust thrives through voluntary openness, not surveillance.

Wifecam and Godcam

Finally, the Wifecam: live as if your wife were watching every move. This imaginative exercise becomes spiritual—the Godcam. You live transparently because integrity before God produces trust before people. When fear strikes or conversations falter, Martinkus reminds men to cry rather than hide. “Sometimes wordless groans say enough,” he writes. Tears, confession, and perseverance are sacred tactics—showing your wife the new man God is sculpting each day.