What to Do When You’re New

When was the last time you walked into a room full of strangers, started a new job, or joined a new class and felt the anxious flutter of being an outsider? In What to Do When You’re New, organizational researcher Keith Rollag digs deep into this universal human experience—the unease of being new. He argues that success in nearly every domain of life depends on our ability to master the art of starting over. From first impressions at a new job to taking on new hobbies or connecting with neighbors, how we navigate newness strongly shapes our growth, satisfaction, and happiness.

What the Book Argues

Rollag’s central thesis is simple but profound: to achieve almost anything meaningful in life, you must first become skilled at being new. He contends that while humans have evolved to be cautious and even fearful around unfamiliar people or situations, these ancient instincts no longer serve us well in the modern world. Instead of danger, today’s new situations usually present opportunity. Yet our hardwired “stranger danger” reflex and social conditioning can hold us back—keeping us from introducing ourselves, asking questions, or starting relationships that could change our lives.

To solve this tension, Rollag offers a science-backed and practice-driven framework. He identifies five critical newcomer skills that anyone can learn and improve through reflection and practice: introducing yourself, remembering names, asking questions, starting relationships, and performing in front of unfamiliar people. These skills, he explains, underlie success and confidence whenever we’re new—whether taking a leadership role or just attending a neighborhood barbecue.

Why We Struggle with Being New

Rollag blends psychology, anthropology, and neuroscience to show why our anxiety in new situations is not a personal failing—it’s evolutionary baggage. Early humans rarely met strangers. In small hunter-gatherer groups, unfamiliar people often signaled threat, competition, or danger. Being cautious ensured survival. Fast forward to today, and our brains still react as though meeting a new coworker is akin to confronting an intruder on the savanna. Add to this our childhood lessons—“don’t talk to strangers”—and our cultural fear of rejection, and it’s no wonder we hesitate.

Yet, as Rollag reminds us, modern life demands we meet strangers constantly. We change jobs, relocate, attend events, and collaborate across teams and cultures. The very things that bring success—networking, learning, trying new things—are built on comfort with being new. Overcoming this mismatch between ancient instincts and modern realities, he says, requires mindful reflection and deliberate, low-risk practice in these skills.

The Five Skills that Drive Success

Much of the book reads like a practical coaching manual for the newcomer’s journey. Rollag’s research across industries and communities shows that those who thrive in new environments consistently do five things well:

• Introducing themselves: They take initiative and reduce social distance confidently.
• Remembering names: They make people feel seen and build connection faster.
• Asking questions: They accelerate learning and engagement instead of guessing silently.
• Starting relationships: They create trust and belonging through empathy and reciprocity.
• Performing new things publicly: They manage nerves, embrace mistakes, and focus on getting better, not immediately being good.

Each skill has its own psychology, challenges, and improvement techniques. For example, remembering names isn’t about bad memory but about divided attention during introductions. Asking questions effectively depends on overcoming the fear of looking incompetent. Performing in new settings hinges on adopting what he calls a “getting better” mindset rather than a “being good” one (a concept inspired by Carol Dweck’s work on growth mindset).

Overcoming Hardwired Anxiety

Rollag dedicates a significant part of the book to why we feel nervous even when logic says there’s little risk. In a striking example, he cites experiments where researchers told participants they were newcomers in a group—even when that wasn’t true—and those participants immediately became more anxious and less creative. That self-perception of being “new” automatically triggers vigilance and self-doubt. Understanding this is empowering: it means anxiety is a cue, not a command. You can reframe it as alertness or excitement rather than danger.

From Reflection to Mastery

Just as elite athletes analyze and refine their technique, Rollag argues that social confidence also comes from deliberate practice. Using insights from psychologist K. Anders Ericsson’s research on expertise, he encourages readers to treat newcomer situations as structured opportunities to learn. By observing your behavior, questioning your assumptions, and trying micro-experiments—like introducing yourself to a barista or asking one more question in a meeting—you begin to rewire your internal “stranger danger” response. Over time, this builds competence and comfort until confidence becomes second nature.

Why It Matters Now

In a hyperconnected, constantly changing world, our careers and personal growth depend more than ever on adaptability. As Rollag puts it, being new isn’t something to avoid—it’s something to practice. Whether stepping into a leadership role, joining a new team, starting at college, or picking up a new skill later in life, learning how to be at ease with being new can open doors that most people are too nervous to knock on. Rollag’s message is hopeful: with mindful reflection and small, deliberate actions, anyone—introvert or extrovert, seasoned executive or student—can transform anxiety into curiosity and insecurity into confidence.

According to Rollag, mastering just five foundational behaviors determines how smoothly you adapt to any new environment. They might seem simple—introducing yourself, remembering names, asking questions, starting relationships, and performing in front of new people—but they combine to create real influence, connection, and success. Each acts as a building block for confidence, with its own barriers and payoffs.

1. Introducing Yourself

This is where all success begins. Yet most people hesitate. Rollag calls this gap between intent and action the “S.N.O.W. Job”: instead of walking up to someone and saying hello, we Smile, Nod, Or Wave, pretending we’re engaged while avoiding genuine introductions. Drawing on cross-cultural examples like the Tuareg tribes of Africa, he explains that introductions historically served as a way to determine friend or foe. That instinct still lingers. But in modern workplaces and social settings, the risk of harm is replaced by the fear of awkwardness.

He recommends reframing self-introductions as opportunities to make others comfortable, not to impress them. Prepare short, context-aware opening lines—“Hi, I’m new to the team and wanted to say hello”—and focus on curiosity rather than performance. If both people smile in relief after the introduction, you’ll know you did it right.

2. Remembering Names

Nothing builds rapport faster than remembering someone’s name. Still, most of us forget within seconds. Rollag explains that this isn’t because of poor memory—it’s because our attention is scattered. When you meet someone, you’re busy planning what to say next, worrying about your handshake, or listening to the noise around you. The name never even reaches long-term memory.

He offers several neuroscience-backed tactics: repeat the name immediately (“Nice to meet you, Jenna”), associate it with a vivid image or rhyme (the sillier, the better), and write it down soon after meeting. Practicing “deliberate remembering” not only improves recall but also communicates respect and interest—a crucial second impression that cements relationships.

3. Asking Questions

We learn fastest by asking—but we often fear looking ignorant. Rollag links this fear to childhood conditioning: years of raising our hands in classrooms, worrying if peers would judge our questions as dumb. At work, that hesitation lingers. Yet research shows that newcomers who ask more questions perform better and integrate faster. They also appear more creative and engaged.

He urges adopting a “teach me” mindset rather than a “tell me” mindset—seek to learn, not outsource effort. One practical hack is using three powerful words: “I’m new here.” Prefacing a question that way reduces social risk, triggers empathy, and invites detailed answers. As Rollag puts it, “Everyone expects newcomers to have questions—use that permission while you still have it.”

4. Starting Relationships

If introductions open doors, relationships keep them open. Rollag shows that the quality of your newcomer experience depends on how quickly and authentically you connect with others. Relationships provide not just information and help but also emotional support and belonging. Yet fear of rejection stops many people from reaching out. Our ancient sociometer—the brain’s “rejection detector”—overreacts, making rejection feel as painful as physical injury.

His advice: act like a journalist or party host. Show sincere interest, ask questions, and help others feel valued. Instead of focusing on how you’re being judged, focus on giving others energy. People remember those who make them feel good, not those who impress them with credentials. Reciprocity awaits: when others feel energized by you, they’ll want you around.

5. Performing in Front of Unfamiliar People

The final and often scariest skill is public performance—doing your new role where others can watch. Rollag’s story of a novice musician frozen at his first jam session captures it perfectly: fear of embarrassment can paralyze us. Evolutionary psychology explains why—we equate public failure with loss of status. But in modern life, most mistakes are inconsequential.

Rollag draws on researcher Carol Dweck’s growth mindset work to propose a shift: stop aiming to “be good” and focus on “getting better.” See each performance as an experiment, not an exam. This reframe lowers stress, enhances learning, and builds long-term confidence. As one new actor in his book discovered, simply stepping on stage again and again turned dread into joy.

By mastering these five behaviors through mindful practice, you not only reduce newcomer anxiety but also unlock lifelong adaptability. Each skill becomes a tool to shape both professional success and personal happiness.

Why do you feel butterflies in your stomach when you walk into a crowded networking event or start a new job? According to Rollag, it’s not weakness—it’s biology and conditioning conspiring together. His third chapter, “Nature and Nurture,” unpacks how evolution, early learning, and modern mismatch make us instinctively wary of being new.

Our Prehistoric Brains

Thousands of years ago, caution around strangers kept our ancestors alive. Hunter-gatherer groups rarely met outsiders; when they did, it usually meant competition for scarce food or mates. As a result, humans evolved physiological alarms—fear and anxiety—that kept them vigilant. These responses, controlled by hormones like cortisol and adrenaline, prepared us to fight, flee, or freeze.

Anthropologists estimate prehistoric humans knew fewer than 150 people in an entire lifetime. Compare that to today, where you might encounter that many strangers on your morning commute. Our brains haven’t evolved at the same pace as civilization, leaving us overreacting to harmless situations like introductions at a conference.

Social Rejection and Status Anxiety

Beyond evolutionary fear, humans also developed a deep sensitivity to group acceptance. In small tribes, being rejected often meant death. Even now, our brains register social pain similarly to physical pain. Modern rejection—such as not being invited to lunch or ignored in a meeting—hurts because our “sociometer” senses potential exclusion.

Rollag points to childhood experiences that reinforce this sensitivity: being left out of games, picked last for teams, or taught unrealistic Hollywood notions of popularity. We internalize a psychological equation that new = uncertain = potentially humiliating. This explains why even successful professionals dread walking into environments where they don’t yet “belong.”

Cultural Conditioning and Stranger Danger

Socialization compounds these instincts. Since the 1960s, school programs and media campaigns have drilled “never talk to strangers” into children. While helpful for safety, it creates lifelong tension because adulthood demands the opposite—network, engage, and collaborate with unfamiliar people. Rollag recounts the tragic story of an 11-year-old Cub Scout who got lost in the woods and hid from rescuers out of fear of strangers, illustrating how deep this conditioning runs.

The Modern Mismatch

Today’s world, built on global interconnection, depends on collaboration with strangers. Yet our nervous systems are still calibrated for isolation. As evolutionary psychologist Robert Wright notes (whom Rollag quotes), we weren’t designed to live in crowded cities or navigate workplaces with hundreds of co-workers. This mismatch causes anxiety to flare in harmless situations. Fortunately, Rollag argues, awareness is the first step. By understanding your biological and cultural inheritance, you can choose to override outdated instincts with conscious strategies—turning fear into curiosity and self-doubt into intentional action.

Knowing you’re hardwired to be nervous doesn’t automatically make you brave. In Part Four, Rollag explains exactly how to retrain your brain and build comfort with new situations: through reflection and deliberate practice. Like any complex skill—playing piano, shooting free throws, or learning a new language—being a confident newcomer requires structured repetition and mindful learning.

Why Experience Alone Isn’t Enough

You might assume that after decades of meeting new people you’d be an expert by now. But Rollag draws on K. Anders Ericsson’s research on expertise to show why this isn’t true. Most of us fall into what he calls the behavioral script trap—we rely on automatic routines without reflection. Like drivers who zone out during commutes, we repeat introductions and interactions mindlessly, never improving.

Breaking the Script

To improve, you must pause and observe your own habits. Rollag shares stories of individuals whose lives changed after forcing themselves out of autopilot. One man, shy his whole life, took a sales job that required daily calls to strangers. At first terrified, he gradually learned that rejection didn’t hurt as much as he’d imagined: “If I had a bad call, I just dialed again.” His brain recalibrated—proof that discomfort is temporary, learning permanent.

Testing Mental Models

Another source of paralysis is our mental models—the assumptions dictating how we expect social encounters to go. A student who spent a year abroad in Spain overcame shyness when her host bluntly said, “No one will care if you make mistakes. You just have to talk.” By confronting flawed assumptions, she rewired her limits. Self-reflection works the same way: systematically comparing what you fear will happen against what actually happens, and adjusting accordingly.

Deliberate Practice in Action

Rollag recommends structured “drills” to improve each newcomer skill. Introduce yourself to a barista. Rehearse questions before meetings. Test memory techniques for names at parties. Seek feedback and tweak your approach. Treat new encounters as social experiments, not tests. Like a scientist, gather data—what works, what doesn’t—and use it to refine future behavior.

Reflection converts experience into insight; deliberate practice converts insight into habit. Over time, you move through the four stages of competence—from unconscious incompetence (not knowing what you don’t know) to unconscious competence (being naturally effective). The secret isn’t fearlessness but repetition with awareness. By blending mindful observation and deliberate experimentation, you turn awkwardness into artistry.

Rollag closes the book with a powerful reminder: mastery of newness comes full circle when you help others who are new. Once you’ve built confidence, you have both the empathy and responsibility to guide others through their first-day jitters. This act of giving back not only supports them but strengthens your own sense of belonging and leadership.

The Newcomer’s Lens

We quickly forget what it felt like to be new. Rollag challenges you to revisit that mindset—remember the confusion, uncertainty, and loneliness. Use that empathy to make your environment more welcoming. Ask yourself: Do we make it easy for newcomers to meet others? Are our processes intuitive, or locked in insider codes?

Practical Acts of Inclusion

Helping others succeeds when it’s specific and small. You can create introduction lists, announce arrivals, and host welcome lunches. Share resources, diagrams, or even simple name tags that make remembering easier. At work, establish a “buddy system” so newcomers have someone safe to ask questions—mirroring how teachers pair students to ease adjustment. Each small gesture reduces social friction and speeds up integration.

Teaching the Five Skills

Rollag reverses his core framework for mentors: facilitate introductions, repeat names, invite questions, nurture early relationships, and give feedback on performance. His stories of managers who prepare teams to welcome new hires—by telling them “expect to be interrupted by questions”—illustrate how leadership can institutionalize kindness. The result isn’t just happier newcomers but higher-performing organizations.

Coaching a “Getting Better” Mindset

Truly supporting others means guiding mindset as well as skill. Ask reflective questions—“What went well? What can you try differently next time?”—that help them view early stumbles as natural steps in learning. In doing so, you become what Rollag calls a “social catalyst,” turning your own comfort into cultural change. The result: a community where being new feels less like a test and more like a welcome challenge.

In his final chapter, Rollag connects the dots between being new and living fully. Drawing on happiness research by Sonja Lyubomirsky, he notes that lasting happiness stems not just from circumstances but from the activities we choose—and novelty is a key driver. Trying something new activates curiosity, growth, and connection, keeping life vibrant long after achievements fade.

The Role of Courage

The hardest step is starting. Like the newcomer who nervously joined an acting class at 50 and ended up performing his own one-man musical, courage multiplies possibilities. Fear rarely vanishes—it’s just overshadowed by action. As one of Rollag’s interviewees said, “The times I’ve been happiest were when I forgot the fear and just did it.”

Approach Life as Experiment

View each new experience as data, not judgment. Whether introducing yourself at a conference or joining a sports team, treat it as a lab for self-discovery. Rollag’s list for success—make public commitments, acknowledge your “Stone Age brain,” expect imperfection, and focus on “getting better”—serves as both mantra and method for lifelong confidence.

A Universal Skill for a Changing World

Ultimately, What to Do When You’re New is more than a manual for first days—it’s a philosophy. In a world of constant transitions, the ability to adapt, connect, and contribute from day one may be the single most valuable skill you can cultivate. Rollag’s core message echoes across the book: Don’t fear being new—practice it, reflect on it, and embrace it as your gateway to success and happiness.