Untangling You

Have you ever felt so wronged by someone that forgiveness or gratitude felt impossible? In Untangling You: How Can I Be Grateful When I Feel So Resentful?, Dr. Kerry Howells argues that resentment and gratitude are conceptual opposites—and that learning to practise gratitude is the most powerful way to free ourselves from resentment’s grip. Rather than treating gratitude as a superficial positivity boost, Howells reveals it as a profound ethical and relational practice capable of healing broken expectations, feelings of inferiority, and deep emotional wounds.

Resentment, Howells explains, is a lingering, stuck emotion—a toxic mix of indignation and hurt caused by a sense of injustice. It isolates us, feeds on rumination, and festers when we wait for others to change or apologise. Gratitude, on the other hand, is dynamic: a conscious action of recognising what we’ve received and giving back freely. The book proposes that by practising gratitude intentionally, we can begin to loosen the hardened knots of resentment that distort our relationships and sense of self.

The Building Blocks of Gratitude and Resentment

Howells contrasts the worlds these emotions create. Resentment thrives amidst competition, stress, entitlement, and self-centredness. Gratitude flourishes in cooperation, humility, and interconnectedness. Resentment’s energy is inward and corrosive—it ruminates, waits, blames, and festers. Gratitude’s energy is outward and generative—it connects, radiates, and heals. By recognising where gratitude feels difficult to access, we also illuminate hidden resentment.

Personal and Philosophical Foundations

The book has deeply personal roots. Howells recounts her fractured relationship with her mother—years of bitterness rooted in neglect and misunderstanding—and how writing her mother a gratitude letter transformed their bond. This act opened the floodgates of healing and became the basis for her decades of research into gratitude in education, leadership, health care, and sports. Through this story, gratitude is shown not as a fleeting emotion but as a moral and relational behaviour—an act of recognition and giving that can mend what resentment destroys.

(Contextual note: Howells’s approach parallels the moral psychology of gratitude discussed by philosophers like Robert C. Roberts and sociologist Georg Simmel, who described gratitude as the “moral memory of humankind” and the “most cohesive element of society.”)

Why This Perspective Matters

Modern gratitude literature often highlights health benefits—better sleep, lower stress, stronger immunity—but Howells warns against shallow gratitude practices that ignore resentment. If gratitude is treated as a quick fix or as emotional positivity, we miss its transformative essence. It must engage with pain, injustice, and the messy reality of relationships. In fact, gratitude achieves authenticity only when it coexists with the honest acknowledgment of resentment.

What the Book Covers

Across ten chapters, Howells maps a journey from resentment to deep gratitude. You’ll first learn to recognise resentment’s hidden forms and causes—broken expectations and feelings of inferiority—and then explore practical ways to transform them. She examines self-resentment and perfectionism, gratitude’s role in addressing others’ resentment toward us, and the importance of speaking openly about grievances. Later chapters widen the lens to cross-cultural expressions of gratitude, before concluding with the reminder that even “little actions” of gratitude can have profound ripple effects.

Why Gratitude Is Action, Not Emotion

Ultimately, Howells redefines gratitude as a deliberate action and attitude—not a feeling to wait for but a state to cultivate. Just as resentment traps you in blame and paralysis, gratitude brings choice, freedom, and agency. “How can I be grateful when I feel so resentful?” therefore becomes “How can I practise gratitude in order to let go of resentment?” This reversal is the book’s most crucial insight. By actively practising gratitude—not waiting for perfect conditions—you begin to untangle the knots, discover compassion, and restore joy and peace within yourself and your relationships.

Resentment rarely declares itself openly—it hides beneath politeness and self-control. Kerry Howells describes it as a lingering emotion lodged in response to shock, humiliation, or unfairness. Because resentment carries shame, most people deny or disguise it, even from themselves. Philosopher Juan Bernal once said, “resentment should be kept secret, even from oneself.” Recognising it is the first courageous step toward transformation.

Resentment versus Other Emotions

Unlike anger or disappointment, resentment festers silently. It involves rumination—replaying a painful event endlessly—and turns indignation into identity. Howells illustrates this through the story of Gwen, who spent thirty years bitter about her husband leaving her. Her resentment infiltrated her personality and even poisoned relationships with carers and family. Gwen’s case shows resentment’s pathology: stuck emotions become chronic irritants, damaging health and human connection.

The Cycle of Rumination and Justice

Resentment feeds on repetition. As Amélie Rorty observed, we “chew over painful memories until their bitterness acquires a savoury taste.” The longing for justice keeps resentment alive—people feel that letting go concedes defeat or erases morality. Yet, Mandela’s insight that “resentment is like drinking poison” reframes this self-harming pursuit. The more we cling to fairness, the more resentment burns our peace and vitality.

Powerlessness and the Victim Loop

Long-term resentment creates a sense of powerlessness: you believe the other person controls your state. You feel like a victim waiting for apology or change. Howells introduces the metaphor of the “tangled ball of string”—each knot representing a resentment intertwined with others. Untangling requires patience, compassion, and practice. Start with small knots, she advises, addressing minor irritations before tackling the deeper tangles.

Resentment and Gratitude as Opposites

Philosopher Robert C. Roberts defined resentment and gratitude as mirror opposites: resentment isolates, gratitude unites. When resentment dominates, gratitude cannot exist—authentic thanks require acknowledgment of what has been received, not fixation on what was denied. Therefore, identifying resentment isn’t just psychoanalysis; it’s the groundwork for sincere gratitude. To be grateful, you must first admit where gratitude feels impossible.

Transformation Insight

Every act that moves you away from resentment—recognising, naming, reflecting—is already a practice of gratitude. Awareness itself is a step toward connection and healing.

To identify resentment, notice where authentic gratitude feels blocked: the people you “should” thank but can’t; the events that make you withdraw instead of appreciate. Acknowledging this discomfort begins the untangling. By bringing resentment to light, you reclaim choice—a prerequisite for transforming bitterness into generosity.

Resentment often starts with broken expectations—those silent agreements we assume others share. In Chapter 3, Howells explores this cause through Jocelyn and Alice, two elite athletes and lifelong friends whose bond shattered when only Jocelyn was chosen for the Olympic team. Alice’s jealousy and backbiting wounded Jocelyn deeply, and resentment clouded the joy of her silver medal. Through this story, Howells reveals how unmet expectations can poison even our proudest moments.

Why Expectations Hurt

Expectations emerge from our values and sense of fairness. When they’re broken, they attack the moral core of who we are. Jocelyn’s image of teamwork and loyalty collapsed when faced with betrayal. She ruminated instead of celebrating, realising later that resentment had stolen her focus and her gold medal opportunity. Gratitude, she learned, could have reoriented her perspective—from fixation on absence to appreciation of presence.

The Wiser Lens

Many respond to disappointment by lowering expectations or eliminating them entirely (“Peace begins when expectations end”). Howells argues this breeds mediocrity. Instead, she recommends holding high expectations without attachment to outcomes—a hallmark of mature gratitude. Gratitude helps you reinterpret disappointment as learning, replacing resentment’s paralysis with compassion’s growth. Gratitude reminds us to value relationships over tasks, echoing philosopher Martin Buber’s “I–Thou” relational ideal, where people are ends in themselves, not means to success.

Compassion as the Antidote

Howells illustrates this through coach Vlad, who helped Jocelyn understand Alice’s pain. Alice’s resentment stemmed from public humiliation and perfectionism. When Jocelyn practiced empathy—seeing the world through Alice’s loss—her own resentment softened. This transformation echoes psychologist Simon Baron-Cohen’s notion that turning self-focus into empathy restores humanity in competitive settings.

Giving and Receiving Gratitude

Gratitude operates in a circle of giving and receiving. When it stops circulating—when one party withholds or rejects thanks—resentment creeps in. Howells recounts how athletes felt ridiculed for expressing gratitude to their coaches, which seeded mutual bitterness. Learning to accept gratitude graciously is as vital as expressing it. The deeper insight: broken expectations are healed not by demanding fairness but by reinstating the flow of gratitude through humility, empathy, and meaningful acknowledgment.

Few emotions lodge resentment as powerfully as humiliation. In Chapter 4, Howells shows how being made to feel inferior can unravel self-worth and breed bitterness. Through Madeline—a seasoned HR leader sidelined by younger colleagues—she illustrates how exclusion and ageism inflict wounds that gratitude can heal through the practice of reconnaissance, or recognition.

The Pain of Invisible Worth

Madeline’s new manager quietly pushed her aside, fostering paranoia and exclusion. Her world shrank to anxiety and sleepless rumination. TenHouten defines resentment precisely as a reaction to undeserved harm and inferiority, and Howells links this to modern workplaces where competition and “youth cultures” marginalise elders. Without recognition, our moral identity collapses.

Reconnaissance: The Gift of Recognition

Drawing on Margaret Visser’s work, Howells introduces reconnaissance—gratitude expressed by recognising another’s value and affirming their belonging. When Madeline was appreciated by regional facilitators who baked cakes and thanked her for her mentorship, it restored her dignity and sanity. Gratitude acts as antidote to humiliation because it restores one’s humanity through acknowledgment.

Listening and Leaders

Reconnaissance isn’t limited to verbal thanks—it can manifest through deep listening, empathy, and patient presence. Madeline’s colleague Leah offered this gift by listening without judgment. Through Leah’s attentive silence, Madeline felt seen. This underscores gratitude’s relational dimension: the more we value recognition, the more compassion echoes through society. Leadership rooted in gratitude—like Captain Hinchcliffe, who personally thanked his employees weekly—creates cultures where esteem and fairness flourish.

Compassion for Bullies

Howells even extends this lens to bullies, noting research showing bullying often stems from trauma and inferiority. Offering genuine recognition—rather than retaliation—could disarm cycles of abuse. Gratitude invites us to see the hurt beneath hostility. Ultimately, recognition builds belonging, enabling workplaces and relationships to evolve beyond fear and resentment into communities of empathy and shared dignity.

(In organizational psychology, this parallels “appreciative inquiry,” which emphasizes valuing what works rather than diagnosing what’s wrong—a perspective that gratitude captures in emotional terms.)

At the core of Howells’s method lies a radical claim: gratitude is a choice, not a reaction. Drawing on Viktor Frankl’s insight that we can always choose our attitude, Howells shows how this inner freedom enables gratitude even amid suffering. Her experience with chronic shingles—where pain obliterated positivity—proved that gratitude isn’t simply feeling thankful; it must be consciously chosen and cultivated from within.

From Victimhood to Choice

Resentment whispers that we are powerless; gratitude reminds us that we are not. When Howells’s naturopath suggested her illness was linked to resentment, she realised that choosing gratitude toward her husband—not waiting for perfect conditions—was her cure. She discovered that gratitude begins with small inner shifts—awareness, intention, and gentleness—that ripple outward into transformation.

The Practice of Preparedness

School principal Shelley offers a vivid example. Haunted by lifelong sibling rivalry, she dreaded her brother’s wedding. Using Howells’s practice of a state of preparedness, Shelley spent two weeks reflecting on gratitude for her brother’s happiness and for lessons drawn from their strained history. At the wedding, her inner calm transformed the atmosphere; she felt genuine joy and connection. Preparedness—mindful orientation toward upcoming challenges—creates space for gratitude before adversity strikes.

Self-Gratitude and Integrity

Gratitude grows character and integrity by reminding us that change begins within. In leadership, this practice—“for things to change, first I must change”—replaces blame with agency. When we choose gratitude as a mental posture, we model it for others, triggering collective shifts toward empathy and cooperation. Howells’s research among principals and doctoral supervisors confirms that leaders’ inner gratitude attitudes spread tangibly into school culture and team dynamics.

Gratitude for Past Pain

Finally, gratitude allows reinterpretation of past resentments. Shelley came to see her rivalry not as injustice but as training in empathy and resilience. In philosopher Amélie Rorty’s words, resentment is “a symptom of things that require acknowledgment and remedy.” By choosing gratitude, we give that remedy form. This inner stance—held deliberately and patiently—turns life's hardest knots into threads of wisdom, compassion, and peace.

If resentment toward others isolates us, self-resentment fractures our identity. In Chapter 6, Howells explores how perfectionism fuels resentment toward oneself. Through Andrew, an award-winning teacher who secretly felt worthless, she shows how impossible ideals and constant self-criticism create a cycle of exhaustion and guilt. The only escape is self-gratitude—the deliberate acceptance of imperfection.

The Trap of Perfection

Andrew’s relentless striving mirrored the pattern of many sensitive achievers. He worked nights refining lesson plans yet berated himself for not being better. Self-resentment, Howells writes, grows from broken expectations of ourselves and comparison with others. Perfectionism makes gratitude impossible because it focuses on absence rather than presence. Voltaire’s warning—“the perfect is the enemy of the good”—captures its futility.

Redefining Perfection Through Gratitude

Inspired by Japanese aesthetics of wabi-sabi, Howells suggests celebrating flaws as beauty. Gratitude transforms mistakes into teachers rather than indictments. When Andrew began nightly gratitude journaling, noting simple joys and what he did well, his anxiety softened. He stopped rejecting appreciation from students and instead savoured their recognition—turning self-loathing into self-acceptance.

Boundaries and Self-Respect

Self-gratitude also means honouring boundaries and refusing mistreatment. Howells recounts Natalie, who left a demeaning job and realised that quitting was an act of gratitude toward herself. Gratitude isn’t about enduring abuse—it’s about valuing oneself enough to seek integrity and dignity. This principle anchors resilience: a cup filled with self-gratitude can overflow generously to others without depletion.

Discovery Mode

Once Andrew accepted imperfection, he entered “discovery mode”—a humble openness to learning from mistakes. Gratitude in this sense fuels curiosity, not judgment. It shifts focus from shame to growth. Self-gratitude builds the confidence to act skilfully, to laugh at ourselves, and to embrace imperfection as evidence of humanity. Gradually, self-resentment unravels, replaced by calm appreciation for the continuous dance of becoming.

Dealing with someone else’s resentment toward you can be more painful than confronting your own. Howells unpacks this through Simon, a managing director blindsided by his staff’s anonymous survey accusing him of poor leadership. What followed was a descent into defensiveness and shame—and then a remarkable rebirth through gratitude.

From Blame to Reflection

Initially, Simon blamed others for betrayal—a typical resentful reaction. His coach, Michael, invited him to begin with humility: “For things to change, first I must change.” This mantra guided Simon toward acceptance of his blind spots, including gossiping about subordinates and harbouring gender bias against his female CEO.

Building Resilience Through Gratitude

Simon learned to rebuild resilience through gratitude journaling—starting with simple blessings like family, home, and courage. As frustration subsided, he became capable of seeing his staff’s criticism not as attack but as invitation to evolve. Gratitude became medicine for self-reflection, echoing James Baldwin’s truth that “nothing can be changed until it is faced.”

Practical Repair Strategies

Guided by Michael, Simon practiced expressing gratitude to staff directly, apologising for broken expectations. His prepared interactions—acknowledging hurt and thanking employees for their courage—began healing trust. Gratitude transformed confrontation into connection. When he later invited grievances openly, saying, “Thank you for your courage,” it reshaped company culture from fear to openness.

Leadership by Gratitude

A year later, Simon’s company thrived, and his CEO’s forgiving mentorship exemplified leadership through compassion. The lesson: offering time, apology, and recognition are acts of gratitude that repair resentment. Transformation requires patience—the slow rebirth of trust through small, sincere gestures repeated over time. Gratitude nurtures not only personal healing but cultural renewal.

One of the hardest facets of resentment recovery is voicing grievances directly. In Chapter 8, Howells explores how fear silences truth, perpetuating resentment. Using her own painful experiences with an unresponsive PhD supervisor, she examines how hidden resentment corrodes integrity—and how gratitude fosters courage to speak constructively.

Recognising Destructive Expression

Resentment often leaks through backbiting, sarcasm, and gossip. We may justify these habits as “venting” or critical thinking, but they deepen bitterness. Howells reframes integrity not as perfection but as ongoing realignment: noticing when our words stray from compassion and choosing differently. Each refraining from gossip is, itself, an act of gratitude for dignity.

From Silence to Expression

Speaking truthfully to the person who hurt you breaks resentment’s secrecy. Citing psychologist Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication, Howells shows that gratitude can make honesty gentle—grounded in appreciation for the relationship’s worth. Saying, “Because our relationship matters to me…” opens dialogue from affection, not accusation.

Managing Fear

Echoing Elizabeth Gilbert’s advice to let fear “have a seat but not a vote,” Howells encourages curiosity toward our own anxiety. Fear signals how deeply relationships matter. Self-gratitude strengthens courage: those who value their integrity more than approval can speak with calm conviction. Confrontation, when reframed as caring dialogue, becomes an act of relational gratitude.

Importance of a Witness

Before facing the person directly, Howells suggests confiding once with a trusted listener—a “witness to pain.” Speaking with purpose to one objective confidant turns venting into inquiry, helping you prepare and maintain compassion. This deliberate choice transforms emotional chaos into moral clarity.

Gratitude empowers voice: it transforms negative speech into healing truth. When you speak from gratitude—seeking understanding rather than revenge—you reclaim your freedom and integrity, embodying James Baldwin’s principle that facing reality is the first step toward change.

Gratitude isn’t universal in expression. In Chapter 9, Howells expands her inquiry across cultures to show how misinterpreting another’s customs can breed resentment and misunderstanding. By “knocking before you enter,” she reminds readers to approach cultural difference with humility and curiosity.

Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander Perspectives

In Australian Aboriginal communities, gratitude doesn’t require verbal thanks—it’s embedded in relational reciprocity and interconnectedness. Teacher Katie learned that overt “thank yous” seemed alien to students whose culture valued community over individual praise. Gratitude was wordless, expressed through storytelling and ceremony. Recognising these nuances helped her adapt and form genuine connection.

African Ubuntu

Among Indigenous Africans, Howells observed gratitude expressed through ubuntu, the philosophy that “a person is a person through other people.” Zikomo’s devotion to his father—expressing thanks through sacrifice—illustrates gratitude as cultural refinement. Here, gratitude defines moral civilisation; resentment is viewed as evil and addressed communally. Ubuntu transforms gratitude into a shared moral compass.

Iranian and Chinese Contexts

Iranian student Mina’s confusion over rejected gifts reveals how Western professionalism can misread gratitude rooted in hierarchy and reverence. Likewise, in China, gratitude often goes unspoken—expressed through care, diligence, and familial respect rather than verbal appreciation. When Chinese students thanked an Australian chef verbally for the first time, both sides felt joy—proof that cultural understanding amplifies gratitude.

Gratitude for Difference

Cross-cultural awareness invites empathy. Gratitude entails not insisting others mirror our norms but appreciating diversity in how humanity gives and receives recognition. Cultural humility, Howells concludes, is gratitude in action—a respectful “please knock before you enter” toward the hearts of others.

Howells closes her book with hope: healing resentment through gratitude isn’t a miracle but a practice—slow, deliberate, and transformative. In the spirit of Gandhi’s insight that “in a gentle way, you can shake the world,” she insists that small acts of gratitude ripple outward, reshaping relationships and societies.

The Practice Continues

Gratitude is not about achieving perfection but returning to practice whenever we falter. By asking daily, “Have I broken someone’s expectations?” and “Have I made someone feel inferior?” you begin repairing relational threads before resentment festers. These questions transform moral awareness into daily habit.

Personal and Social Transformation

Each act of gratitude—listening, thanking, apologising—develops your character and spreads trust. Cicero called gratitude “the parent of all virtues” because practicing it cultivates courage, humility, sincerity, empathy, and patience. Howells echoes this moral lineage: gratitude elevates personal integrity and human coexistence. It’s how individuals contribute to collective healing.

The Ripple Effect

Just one genuine gratitude practice can influence many relationships. Starting with manageable challenges within your comfort zone prepares you for deeper knots later. Gratitude’s ripples reach beyond personal wellbeing to cultural renewal—creating workplaces and families that value empathy over competition. In practising gratitude, you become both healer and catalyst, proving that even small, gentle choices can change the texture of human life.