The Path Between Us

How well do you really know the people closest to you? You might be surprised to learn that despite years of shared experiences, many of our misunderstandings, resentments, and disappointments in relationships stem not from what we do, but from why we do it. In The Path Between Us Study Guide, Suzanne Stabile invites you to explore the Enneagram as a map for relational healing and growth—a guide to understanding the motivations, fears, and gifts that shape how we connect with others.

Stabile’s core argument is simple yet transformative: our Enneagram number doesn’t just explain who we are; it clarifies how we show up in relationships. The very traits that drive us—our perfectionism, helpfulness, ambition, emotional sensitivity, intellectual independence—can either strengthen or sabotage our connections depending on our level of self-awareness. Her premise, drawn from decades as an Enneagram teacher (and grounded in Christian spiritual formation), is that self-understanding leads naturally to compassion—both for ourselves and for others.

Understanding the Spiritual Journey of Relationship

The book builds on the foundation Stabile laid in The Path Between Us and The Road Back to You, but the study guide goes further by helping readers practice relational awareness in community. Rather than just labeling types, Stabile structures this guide around six sessions that each examine a relational theme: who we are, what we want, what we fear, what we offer, how we forgive, and how we help others grow. The goal isn’t to memorize traits—it’s to transform relationships through empathy and intentionality.

She introduces a spiritual dimension often missing from typical personality discussions. Drawing from InterVarsity Press’s Formatio tradition—a lineage that emphasizes transformation over information—Stabile connects the Enneagram to Christian ideas of grace, forgiveness, and renewal. You are invited not only to change your behavior but to participate in God’s ongoing process of spiritual formation—the gradual shaping of your heart and habits toward love.

Why Relationships Need This Wisdom

Human relationships, Stabile reminds us, are inherently messy. Good intentions can still lead to pain when our personality patterns dominate. For example, Ones want to make the world better but may become judgmental; Twos want to help but overextend; Threes pursue success but lose authenticity; Fours crave depth but pull away; Fives value independence but isolate; Sixes seek safety but worry excessively; Sevens chase excitement but avoid hard feelings; Eights protect others but intimidate; and Nines maintain peace but withdraw into passivity.

Understanding these patterns helps you recognize the shared humanity beneath them all: every person wants belonging and meaning, yet our unique motivations color how we pursue those desires. This insight reframes not only how you interpret conflict but also how you forgive and love across differences. (Stabile’s approach echoes Brené Brown’s research on vulnerability—authentic connection requires naming our fears and weaknesses rather than denying them.)

A Journey of Compassionate Observation

Throughout the study, Stabile encourages two crucial disciplines: self-observation and allowing. You learn to watch yourself without judgment, noticing the habitual motives that drive your behavior. This practice mirrors mindfulness approaches, but Stabile frames it spiritually—as learning to see yourself through the lens of grace rather than criticism. In community, this nonjudgmental awareness transforms conversations: instead of diagnosing others’ flaws, you start asking curious questions that open space for mutual understanding.

Whether you study alone or in a group, you’ll explore relational scenarios that make the learning tangible. Stabile’s examples like Jane the blunt medical resident, Harry the generous but overworked helper, and Tinesha the introverted intellectual capture how motivation—not action—determines our harmony with others. These stories encourage you to look past surface behaviors and ask, “What’s driving me right now?”

From Insight to Practice

By weaving together theology, psychology, and personal anecdotes, Stabile transforms a typology tool into a relational compass. She ties every insight to practical exercises—reflecting on past hurts, naming expectations, identifying fears, recognizing gifts, and practicing forgiveness. Each session invites you to shift from mere awareness to concrete change, moving from emotional reaction to thoughtful response.

Key Message

“You can never change how you see,” Stabile says, “but you can change what you do with how you see.” The Enneagram doesn’t fix people—it frees them to love with awareness. When you understand your patterns and those of others, compassion naturally follows. And compassion, in Stabile’s view, is the path between us.

Ultimately, this study guide offers a structured yet heartfelt approach to improving every relationship in your life—from family to friends to colleagues. It reminds you that personal transformation isn’t just an inward journey; it’s a relational mission. Through the Enneagram’s lens, you learn to engage others not as obstacles to your growth but as partners on the same path—each carrying their own motivations, fears, and gifts. In doing so, Stabile not only teaches the Enneagram—she redefines it as a spiritual language of empathy.

Suzanne Stabile opens the study with a paradox that lies at the heart of the Enneagram: your greatest strength is also your greatest weakness. Every number gifts the world with something beautiful, but those same traits can easily turn destructive when overused or distorted by stress. Understanding this duality is essential for relational growth—because until you see where your strength hurts others, you cannot begin to heal the path between you.

Seeing Yourself Clearly

Our personalities, Stabile explains, are patterns of seeing and responding to life that we developed by the age of five or six. These patterns are not inherently bad—they are simply habitual. Ones critique relentlessly to achieve perfection, Twos serve tirelessly to win love, Threes strive for success to feel valued, Fours express deeply to feel seen, Fives withdraw to stay secure, Sixes worry to stay safe, Sevens distract to avoid pain, Eights assert to stay strong, and Nines retreat to keep the peace. Each of these instincts shapes how you love and how you hurt.

Patterns in Relationships

For instance, a One’s drive to improve can make others feel inadequate. A Two’s generosity can morph into manipulation when boundaries vanish. A Three’s confidence can slip into emotional detachment. Each pattern has relational consequences—and Stabile’s charts visualize these with precision. When healthy, your behaviors uplift others; when unhealthy, they create tension and distance.

She organizes the lessons around three triads that reveal differing relational pressures: Ones, Twos, and Sixes lean toward feeling and doing but struggle with anxiety and boundaries; Threes, Sevens, and Eights emphasize doing and thinking but often bypass emotions; Fours, Fives, and Nines center on thinking and feeling yet falter in action. Understanding which stance you inhabit helps you discern why some relationships feel effortless while others feel draining.

Changing Without Force

Stabile warns that willpower doesn’t change personality—it only deepens frustration. Instead, she advocates two gentle practices: self-observation and allowing. Observe yourself nonjudgmentally. When you catch yourself criticizing, controlling, withdrawing, or overhelping, simply note it without scolding. Then allow these behaviors to fall away naturally rather than forcing transformation. Over time, your awareness will shift your reactions.

Reflection

“Practice allowing parts of your personality that don’t serve you well to simply fall away.” This gentle invitation counters the common self-improvement narrative of trying harder. Stabile insists that grace—not grit—is what frees us from the traps of personality.

Practical Growth for Everyday Life

In conversation with other spiritual writers like Thomas Merton and Richard Rohr, Stabile links daily relational growth to spiritual maturity. She challenges you to examine your closest relationship and ask: What one thing could I begin to work on that would have a positive effect on every relationship? Maybe it’s a One choosing relaxation over control, a Two saying no, or a Nine asserting an opinion. These small steps build the capacity for authentic connection—the real goal of Enneagram work.

By the end of this session, you realize that the Enneagram isn’t about labeling flaws—it’s about recognizing how divine grace transforms even your limitations into compassion. Seeing your shadow doesn’t condemn you; it invites you to love yourself, and others, more fully.

Why do you do what you do? Stabile calls motivation the beating heart of the Enneagram. While actions can look identical across types, their roots differ dramatically—and understanding those roots transforms relationships. The desire to feel needed, competent, or peaceful drives how we interact and what we expect from those around us.

Motives, Not Behaviors

In this session, Stabile emphasizes that your number is determined by motivation, not behavior. Take the example of three medical residents—Jane, Harry, and Tinesha. All work tirelessly at the same hospital, but Jane’s blunt authority stems from a desire for respect (like an Eight or One), Harry’s generosity reveals a need to be needed (a hallmark of a Two), and Tinesha’s love of solitude reflects a motive for independence (similar to a Five). Recognizing these distinctions frees you from judging others solely by appearance.

Healthy vs. Unhealthy Motives

Stabile provides a chart illustrating how each number’s desire shifts depending on health. A healthy One wants to make the world better; an unhealthy One critiques others to feel superior. Healthy Twos love by service; unhealthy Twos manipulate to secure affection. This framework invites constant reflection: is your behavior born of love or fear? She encourages you to notice when exhaustion, stress, or distraction distort your motives—and to realign them with healthier intentions.

Expectations and Resentments

Perhaps the most piercing concept here is Stabile’s warning that “expectations are resentments waiting to happen.” Every number carries unconscious expectations—Ones assume others will seek perfection, Twos expect their needs will be sensed, Sevens expect positivity. When those expectations aren’t met, resentment festers. By naming both your own and others’ predictable expectations, you create a bridge instead of a barrier.

Naming what you expect, and what others expect of you, is the first act of relational honesty. Only when motives are brought to light can grace replace frustration.

Living with Intentionality

Finally, Stabile challenges you to examine two key relationships and adjust your motivation within them. Intentionality, she says, is rare in the “muchness and manyness” of modern life. The practice is simple but potent: before reacting, ask yourself what truly drives your words or actions. Doing so turns automatic patterns into conscious choices—and conscious choices are the seeds of transformation.

By viewing motivation as a living pulse rather than a fixed label, Stabile trains you to read hearts instead of behaviors. This perceptiveness deepens empathy, teaching you to connect not through assumptions, but through curiosity and compassion.

Session three faces the hard truth we often avoid: fear shapes friendship more than we admit. Stabile gently guides readers to identify how each Enneagram type’s core fear—rooted in childhood doubt or loss—distorts intimacy and communication. Understanding these fears is not about fixing yourself; it’s about witnessing the hidden anxieties that underlie our attempts to love.

Nine Fears, Nine Masks

Each number hides behind a mask built from fear. Ones dread being wrong, Twos fear being unlovable, Threes worry they’ll be valued only for performance, Fours fear being misunderstood, Fives fear depletion, Sixes fear betrayal, Sevens fear confinement, Eights fear being controlled, and Nines fear conflict and disconnection. These fears aren’t flaws—they are survival strategies that once protected us but now imprison us.

For example, a Six’s constant vigilance—“scanning the horizon for threats”—can alienate loved ones who mistake caution for mistrust. A Four’s longing for deep understanding can overwhelm partners who simply don’t know how to meet that intensity. By naming these patterns, you begin to separate genuine concern from fear-based reaction.

From Fear to Awareness

Stabile encourages group members to share examples of how fear has shaped their relationships. Vulnerability is crucial: we all think we’re not enough, and saying so aloud often becomes the first step toward healing. She also counters the instinct to self-condemn by framing self-awareness as a gift and a practice. Noticing fears does not mean uprooting them; it means integrating them so love can coexist alongside caution.

“We all struggle to believe that we will be wanted and understood by someone else.” Recognizing this universal truth transforms fear from isolation into connection—it reminds you that others are afraid too, just of different things.

Breaking the Script

As the mid-point of the study, this session includes an exercise to “flip the script” in recurring conflicts. Instead of predictable exchanges, you experiment with switching tone, phrasing, or emotional posture. The point is not performance—it’s creating space for surprise and empathy. Sometimes the smallest shift (“Can you tell me more?” instead of “You’re wrong”) rewrites an entire relationship pattern.

By exploring fear through compassion rather than shame, this section mirrors the psychological wisdom of Carl Jung’s shadow work and echoes Christian teachings on surrender. Stabile shows that the antidote to fear isn’t courage—it’s connection. When you name your fear openly, the distance between you and others shrinks.

After facing the difficult terrain of fear, Stabile turns toward hope. Every Enneagram number carries unique gifts—qualities that enrich relationships and reflect divine creativity. Naming these gifts restores balance, reminding you that healing isn’t only about fixing flaws; it’s about cherishing what’s already good within you and others.

Rediscovering Your Strengths

Stabile begins with a personal reflection chart: times you felt proud, overcame adversity, made someone feel loved, achieved something unexpected, or proved to be the friend someone needed. This exercise reverses the usual self-critical gaze. Many people, she notes, struggle to name what they like about themselves. The Enneagram provides language for doing so without arrogance.

She then maps five terrific qualities for each type: Ones seek improvement, Twos radiate compassion, Threes inspire success, Fours embody creativity, Fives offer calm insight, Sixes anchor community, Sevens spread joy, Eights protect the vulnerable, and Nines radiate peace. When shared aloud in groups, these qualities become mirrors—reminding everyone that what irritates us in someone’s type often corresponds to a virtue we secretly admire.

Learning to See Others with Grace

Stabile humorously concedes that we will still “assign numbers” to people, but cautions to do so lightly: always leave room to be wrong. The exercise of identifying others’ numbers isn’t about categorization—it’s about learning to see through the lens of compassion. When you reflect on three loved ones and list specific qualities you cherish—your parent’s steadiness, your friend’s humor, your colleague’s diligence—you practice spiritual gratitude.

Learning the gifts of each number reframes relationship differences from obstacles into divine diversity. Instead of asking, “Why are they like that?” you learn to say, “Thank God they are.”

Balancing Self-Appreciation and Humility

This section embodies Stabile’s broader spiritual goal—self-knowledge as worship. When you honor your gifts, you also honor their Source. Like Ignatian spirituality’s focus on gratitude, the practice here deepens joy by turning awareness outward: the gifts you possess were meant to serve others. Every type becomes invaluable to the community’s wholeness.

By the session’s end, you realize that reconciliation begins in celebration. Focusing on what’s right about people rather than what’s wrong generates energy for forgiveness and mutual care. These affirmations aren’t sentimental—they are the fuel for authentic empathy.

Forgiveness, Stabile insists, is nonnegotiable for lasting relationships. Every personality wounds and is wounded. Learning to forgive through the lens of the Enneagram turns pain into perspective—helping you recognize not only how others have hurt you but also how your own habits have harmed them.

Recognizing Relationship Limits

Each number has predictable ways of limiting relationships. Ones criticize, Twos overcommit, Threes neglect emotions, Fours oscillate between intimacy and withdrawal, Fives detach, Sixes worry, Sevens flee pain, Eights dominate, Nines disappear. When read aloud by someone who loves that type, these truths land more gently—they become acts of empathy rather than accusation.

Stabile then asks you to recount times you’ve been hurt. The goal is not blame but understanding. Often, pain arises from mismatched motivations: a perfectionist boss may think she’s helping; a withdrawn sibling may just fear conflict. By interpreting wounds through each type’s logic, old resentment softens.

Owning How We Hurt Others

Equally powerful is turning the mirror on yourself. Grouped into triads—gut (8,9,1), heart (2,3,4), and head (5,6,7)—participants explore how their centers of anger, shame, or fear drive unkind behaviors. Eights act anger outwardly, Nines repress it, Ones internalize it; Twos serve to avoid shame, Threes perform to mask it, Fours dramatize it; Fives study to fight fear, Sixes control to calm fear, Sevens distract to escape fear. By linking emotion to type, Stabile demystifies why some conflicts repeat endlessly.

Healing implies recognizing the shadow side of love: even our attempts to care can wound when driven by anxiety or pride. Forgiveness restores the shared humanity that judgment erodes.

Transforming Pain into Wisdom

Stabile situates forgiveness within lifelong spiritual formation—relationships are laboratories of grace. She echoes Jesus’ teaching in Matthew 7 about the speck and the plank, reminding you that humility precedes clarity. Old hurts become teachers when filtered through awareness of personality. By session’s end, forgiveness feels less like a dutiful act and more like a necessary rhythm of emotional freedom.

In short, this chapter moves from blame to blessing. When you learn to forgive yourself and others for acting from fear or pride, every relationship becomes an opportunity to embody compassion—the true mark of maturity.

The final session ties the journey together: awareness must lead to compassion. Stabile shows that every number both suffers and contributes uniquely. Once we accept this shared fragility, we can love wisely and generously, learning specific ways to support each type’s growth and care for our own development.

Seeing the Hidden Struggle in Each Type

Stabile’s chart “What to Remember about Loving Each Number” reveals the unseen burdens behind familiar behaviors. Ones’ criticism of others mirrors harsher self-criticism; Twos neglect their needs; Threes exhaust themselves maintaining success; Fours’ melancholy arises from feeling unworthy; Fives appear distant because interaction drains them; Sixes live in perpetual vigilance; Sevens flee anxiety; Eights hide tenderness; Nines doubt their significance. Naming these inner realities evokes instant empathy, dismantling stereotypes.

Practicing Compassionate Action

Stabile offers practical phrases and actions to love others well. Tell Ones they’re good enough, ask Twos about their needs, assure Threes you love them for who they are, remind Fours nothing is missing, give Fives time to think, promise Sixes you’re here, celebrate Sevens’ curiosity, invite Eights into safe vulnerability, affirm Nines’ opinions. Each suggestion transforms understanding into embodiment—love becomes language tailored to personality.

Growing Within Your Own Number

Then comes personal transformation: “For each number, know that it’s okay to…”—make mistakes, have limits, be ordinary, love wholeheartedly, trust yourself, face pain, be vulnerable, say no. Stabile lists five growth practices for each type: from Ones naming their inner critic to Nines practicing daily action. These small disciplines cultivate relational health through humility and courage.

“You can never change how you see. All you can do is change what you do with how you see.” This closing mantra crystallizes the book’s philosophy: the Enneagram’s goal isn’t perfection—it’s awareness expressed as compassion.

Living the Path Between Us

By the end, you’ve traveled full circle—from discovery to empathy. You’ve learned not only how to understand yourself but also how to affirm, challenge, and love others in their own growth. Stabile situates this as an ongoing spiritual discipline, echoing the Micah 6:8 call to walk humbly with your God. Compassion becomes a recurring practice—the path we walk together.

In essence, this final session completes the transformation promised at the start: relational enlightenment through awareness. By seeing each personality as both gift and wound, you learn to build a world more defined by grace, curiosity, and peace—the true hallmark of the Enneagram in everyday life.