The Lost Art of Connecting

When was the last time you reached out to someone simply to ask—not what they could do for you—but how you could help them? In The Lost Art of Connecting, Susan McPherson invites you to rediscover a truth that modern technology often hides: genuine human connection is the foundation of success, happiness, and meaningful impact. McPherson contends that relationships flourish when we lead with generosity rather than transaction, when we replace the question “What can I get?” with “How can I help?”

McPherson’s book offers a remedy for today’s epidemic of isolation, both personal and professional. She argues that digital overload and transactional networking have eroded our ability to engage authentically. The cure is her framework—the Gather, Ask, Do method. This process helps you align your relationships with your purpose, asking better questions, taking concrete actions, and tending to connections that grow into constellations of mutual support.

Gather: Building the Foundation of Connection

Gathering, McPherson explains, is the first phase of the art of connecting. You begin by connecting with yourself, clarifying your values and your unique goals. Many people believe they don’t know anyone who can help, yet McPherson insists that the relationships you need are often right within reach. She shares stories of her parents—her mother, a broadcast public relations professional who mailed handwritten clippings, and her father, a Russian history professor who sent thoughtful letters—who taught her that meaningful connection is an intentional daily practice. Connecting starts by identifying what matters to you and recognizing the depth of relationships already surrounding you.

Ask: Turning Generosity into Dialogue

The second stage, Ask, revolves around McPherson’s central question: “How can I help?” This shift—from taking to giving—creates trust and balance. By asking this question, you place yourself in service to others, simultaneously uncovering your own capacity to learn. McPherson gives examples from entrepreneurs and thought leaders—like Shiza Shahid, who co-founded the Malala Fund after asking how she could help a young Pakistani girl—illustrating that courageous generosity ignites movements. By helping others, you dissolve fear, develop relationships infused with equality, and reveal paths aligned with your purpose. Asking also means cultivating curiosity about others’ needs, experiences, and viewpoints, dissolving barriers between industries, generations, and perspectives.

Do: Transforming Intention into Action

Do completes the cycle—connection is not simply about conversation; it requires consistent action. McPherson teaches that follow-ups, thoughtful communication, and visible generosity are small acts that compound into trust. Whether it’s sending a thank-you note, volunteering with a community organization, or connecting colleagues who would benefit from knowing each other, the Do phase is where your connections deepen into enduring business and personal relationships. This, she calls the “constellation effect,” where your network begins to light up like a sky full of stars, each point linked to the others through shared empathy and purpose.

Why This Method Matters

McPherson’s insight comes at a time when the global workplace demands authentic collaboration. With research showing rising loneliness levels and shrinking professional networks, this book acts as both manual and manifesto. McPherson’s stories—from corporate activism to grassroots social movements—illustrate that meaningful business relationships aren’t a luxury; they are essential for creativity, innovation, and emotional well-being. Through stories of figures like Priya Parker and Adam Grant, she underscores a shared truth: connection, when rooted in authenticity and curiosity, transforms not just careers but lives.

Ultimately, The Lost Art of Connecting is an invitation. It asks you to redefine success not as accumulation of contacts but as building constellations of genuine human bonds. In an era of endless emails and social media scrolls, McPherson’s Gather, Ask, Do method is both timeless and urgently relevant—a reminder that connection begins with empathy, grows through curiosity, and endures through purposeful action.

McPherson begins with a personal challenge: before connecting with others, connect with yourself. Most people rush to network, collecting contacts and business cards but never identifying what they truly value. The Gather phase asks you to pause and define what meaningful relationships mean to you, both professionally and personally. This clarity ensures that the connections you form align with your goals rather than drain your energy.

Start Where You Are

In her first chapter, “Help, I Don’t Know Anyone!” McPherson shatters the myth that opportunity rests with strangers. She argues that your existing network—friends, colleagues, even your yoga instructor—holds untapped value. Each person is part of a larger constellation that can introduce you to new connections or insights. She encourages reaching out to current contacts and asking what challenges they face, offering help instead of seeking favors. This builds reciprocity and trust.

Connect Through Environment and Interest

Chapter Two’s principle, “Invite to Get Invited,” flips passive waiting into proactive hosting. McPherson urges you to create gatherings—small breakfasts, digital meetups, volunteer sessions—around shared interests. Hosting positions you as a connector. Drawing on social psychologist Phillip Kunz’s famous holiday card experiment, she shows that generosity sparks response. Even small gestures like sending articles or organizing virtual coffee chats can build lasting ties. The act of hosting communicates leadership and care, not people-pleasing.

Gathering in a Digital and Physical World

McPherson’s advice also adapts to changing times. From physical events to remote workplaces, location shapes connection. She introduces founders like Cate Luzio of Luminary and Tiffany Dufu of The Cru to show how intentional communities—whether coworking spaces or digital circles—help reconnect isolated professionals. Volunteering and collaboration cultivate bonds grounded in shared purpose, transforming even virtual environments into authentic spaces of belonging.

By the end of Gather, your task is clear: define your mission, identify your strengths, and start where you are. Networking without self-awareness is empty. But when you know who you are and what matters most, every meeting becomes meaningful, every introduction becomes an entry point to the constellation you are meant to create.

If Gather is about understanding who you are, Ask is about extending that understanding outward. McPherson’s signature question—“How can I help?”—is far more than a phrase; it’s a mindset that aligns helping with learning. In business, she argues, the most powerful networkers are not the ones asking for favors but those offering them. Asking with empathy opens unexpected doors to collaboration and trust.

The Power of Asking How You Can Help

McPherson demonstrates through stories that helping sets relationships apart. When she asks a stranger what challenges they are facing, she not only disarms transactional tension but also gains insight into their world. This question reveals mutuality: both giver and receiver benefit. Examples like Shiza Shahid—who transformed the shooting of her friend Malala Yousafzai into the Malala Fund—illustrate that “help” can generate large-scale change. Asking isn’t passive; it demands vulnerability and attentiveness.

Offering Expertise, Experience, and Energy

The Ask phase also means assessing what you offer. McPherson draws lessons from Susan Danziger, who founded The Spark of Hudson—a learning hub combatting poverty—by using her network and leadership experience to help communities. Whether through advice, introductions, or micro-collaborations, help can take many forms. For those wary of exploitation, McPherson cites organizational psychologist Adam Grant (author of Give and Take), who teaches that sustainable generosity comes from setting boundaries with takers and focusing giving on areas that energize rather than exhaust you.

Fear Dissolves When You Help

Perhaps most transformative is how helping conquers fear. McPherson insists that when your goal is to serve, failure becomes impossible. Even small acts—a note of appreciation, a five-minute favor—boost confidence and connection. Asking also fosters curiosity. The best connectors, she writes, listen deeply, absorb others’ realities, and understand that every question is a doorway to empathy. Helping then becomes a form of personal growth—a way to refine both your understanding and your compassion.

To ask well, McPherson reminds you, don’t wait until you need help to offer it. Generosity builds resilience. Over time, your habit of asking how you can help not only strengthens your connections but transforms your identity into that of a trusted, authentic ally.

Action is the final pillar of McPherson’s method. Relationships cannot thrive on goodwill alone—they require follow-through. The Do phase teaches that consistency, gratitude, and acknowledgment cement trust. McPherson models this through her career and activism, showing that tangible deeds turn talk into transformation.

Follow-Up as a Catalyst for Depth

Following up, she suggests, is more than etiquette; it’s leadership. A simple “thinking of you” note or message builds psychological safety and belonging. Drawing from neuroscientist David Rock’s SCARF model (status, certainty, autonomy, relatedness, fairness), McPherson shows that people thrive when they feel seen and secure. Following through on advice or commitments demonstrates reliability—a social reward equal to trust itself. She cites research showing that ignoring someone’s guidance erodes relationships, while acting on feedback fortifies mutual respect.

Creating Rituals and Showing Appreciation

McPherson borrows insights from workplace strategist Erica Keswin to highlight the power of rituals. Weekly coffee check-ins, handwritten notes, and shared learning sessions nurture rhythm and intimacy. These recurring actions build what Keswin calls the “three Ps”—psychological safety, purpose, and performance. McPherson encourages defining each person’s unique “chief differentiating factor” (CDF) and reminding them of it. Recognizing others’ special strengths amplifies motivation and connection.

Curiosity and Gratitude Keep Constellations Alive

Finally, McPherson ties action to curiosity. She urges you to view every relationship as a learning opportunity. Research supports her claim—curious people form deeper relationships (as noted by psychologist Todd Kashdan in Curious?). Gratitude sustains this energy. Whether through a quick thank-you message or acknowledging someone’s contribution publicly, recognition transforms everyday exchanges into enduring alliances. Over time, these actions create a “constellation effect,” where relationships interlink and multiply, illuminating collective potential.

McPherson’s Do phase reminds you that connection is a verb. Generosity without action fades. To maintain meaningful relationships, convert empathy into energy—send the message, make the introduction, and honor every human spark you encounter.

McPherson’s metaphor of the constellation transforms networking into art. While traditional networking views people as separate points, the constellation model reveals how those points interconnect into meaningful patterns. Each person in your network is a star in a larger image shaped by shared purpose and collaboration.

Elevating Your Objective

When building a constellation, McPherson advises starting with a higher goal. Instead of asking “How can I get a job?” ask “How can my work solve a real problem?” She highlights Paul van Zyl’s creation of The Conduit, a community where entrepreneurs unite to address global challenges like sustainability and gender equity. By raising your mission above immediate transactions, you attract people who share your vision and energy. Meaningful relationships grow around purpose, not convenience.

Diversity and Dual Networks

McPherson also teaches that constellations thrive on diversity. Drawing from Harvard Business Review’s studies, she explains that women, in particular, flourish when they maintain two networks—a mixed-gender professional circle and a female-only support community. These networks provide mentorship and solidarity, helping women navigate systemic challenges. She showcases leaders like Dee Poku of WIE Suite and Jennifer DaSilva of Connect4Women, who create spaces where women’s voices are truly seen and amplified.

Storytelling and Adaptability

Knowing your story is vital. McPherson insists that a clear narrative of who you are and what you aim to contribute makes connections effortless. Your story becomes the glue between stars. Yet as circumstances change, adaptability is essential. For instance, Van Zyl pivoted The Conduit during the pandemic from physical meetups to digital programming that delivered 30,000 meals to frontline workers—transforming purpose into real-world relief. Flexibility keeps constellations alive through shifting contexts.

This metaphor best encapsulates McPherson’s philosophy: networks are living works of art. The beauty lies not in how many stars you collect but how creatively and compassionately you connect them to illuminate something larger than yourself.

For McPherson, communication isn’t just transmitting information—it’s how we make people feel seen. In a world of overflowing inboxes, messages, and notifications, most of us confuse quantity with quality. Her tenth chapter, “Communication 101,” redefines interaction as relational care.

The Human Voice Over Digital Noise

McPherson urges us to reclaim the power of the human voice. Instead of relying exclusively on email or text, pick up the phone. Tone, pauses, and laughter convey empathy where words alone fail. She references psychological research showing that human touch—even through verbal connection—triggers trust and warmth (University of Chicago studies on handshake communication). Likewise, she warns against cyber-disinhibition—the tendency to write harshly online—and emphasizes conscious kindness.

Relationalism and Digital Empathy

Adopting the Aspen Institute’s Weave: The Social Fabric Project, McPherson suggests practicing relationalism—prioritizing relationships over transactions. Every message, she writes, should strengthen trust and shared purpose. She introduces the PERK framework by Emiliana Simon-Thomas and Dachler Keltner (Purpose, Engagement, Resilience, Kindness) to guide compassionate communication. Expressing gratitude, checking in, and overcommunicating clarity are all part of digital empathy.

Boundaries and Self-Care in an Always-On World

To avoid burnout, McPherson reminds you to set boundaries. Rest reinforces integrity. Citing philanthropist Ruth Ann Harnisch, she stresses that building trust with yourself is the foundation of healthy relationships. Authenticity, she cautions (drawing on Herminia Ibarra’s Harvard Business Review piece, “The Authenticity Paradox”), should evolve with context—it is not static sincerity but reflective growth. Communication does not end with niceness; it demands courage to give honest feedback and empathy to receive it well.

Every text, call, and message either nurtures or depletes connection. McPherson’s challenge is simple yet profound: speak human. Whether through a phone call, DM, or heartfelt email, let your words weave empathy—the language that truly makes business, and life, meaningful.

Generosity sits at the heart of McPherson’s worldview. In later chapters, she explores how giving—financially, emotionally, or through time—creates the deepest bonds. Whether funding startups, supporting social causes, or volunteering in crisis situations, generosity transforms professional networks into communities of impact.

Investing in People and Purpose

McPherson shares her experience as an angel investor supporting women-led companies such as iFundWomen, Hint Water, and The Riveter. Investment, she explains, is not about returns but about contributing to a vision that uplifts others. Organizations like Golden Seeds and Pipeline Angels illustrate how financial backing combined with mentorship fosters equality and collaboration. Money, used thoughtfully, becomes a tool of connection rather than competition.

Talking About Money with Openness

To destigmatize money conversations, McPherson promotes initiatives like Linda Davis Taylor’s Money Talks series, encouraging communities to discuss pay equity and philanthropy transparently. She urges readers to create small circles where honesty about finances leads to empowerment. Vulnerability about money—often the last taboo—builds trust and mutual learning. Giving and asking are two sides of the same coin: the courage to connect through transparency.

Aligning Passion with Social Action

Finally, McPherson highlights her own activism—particularly the 2019 Don’t Ban Equality campaign, where corporate leaders united to defend reproductive rights. By using her network to mobilize 180 CEOs, she proves that connection breeds collective power. Similarly, Rachel Gerrol Cohen’s global community NEXUS demonstrates how networks can mobilize emergency relief and social entrepreneurship. McPherson’s takeaway: when values drive action, relationships amplify impact.

Generosity completes McPherson’s vision for meaningful business. Giving isn’t charity; it’s leadership. The more you offer—ideas, time, compassion—the stronger your constellation shines.