The Coaching Habit

Have you ever felt that as a manager, you spend your days solving problems for others, only to end each day exhausted and feeling like nothing truly changed? In The Coaching Habit, Michael Bungay Stanier argues that leaders can free themselves—and empower their teams—by doing one simple thing more often: asking questions instead of giving advice. At its heart, this book contends that coaching should be an everyday habit, not an occasional event. By replacing habitual advice-giving with curiosity-driven questioning, you create autonomy, development, and focus. Bungay Stanier distills the essence of effective coaching into seven core questions that work in ten minutes or less.

The author’s tone is witty and conversational, but deeply grounded in behavioral science. He draws insights from neuroscience, habit formation (notably Charles Duhigg and B.J. Fogg on triggers and micro-habits), and leadership psychology (Peter Block, Edgar Schein, and Daniel Kahneman among many), making this book more practical than theoretical. Bungay Stanier’s company, Box of Crayons, has trained thousands of busy managers across the globe, proving that coaching doesn’t have to be a long, formal ordeal—it can be woven into everyday conversations in minutes.

Why Coaching Habits Matter

Managers know they “should” coach, yet most don’t. Stanier cites research showing that although most managers receive some form of coaching training, fewer than a quarter of employees feel it improves performance. The problem, he says, is that coaching is often presented as too complex or divorced from real life. Even good training fails when it doesn’t create repeatable habits. That’s why the book’s first step is not to teach questions but to teach habit formation—because you can’t coach effectively if you can’t sustain the behavior long enough to make it stick.

You learn that coaching helps managers break free from three common traps: overdependence, overwhelm, and disconnection. Overdependence occurs when everyone relies on you to solve problems; overwhelm creeps in when your workload expands endlessly; disconnection arises when you lose sight of the work’s meaning. Building a coaching habit lets others reclaim mastery and autonomy and reconnects you all with purpose.

The Habit Loop: Ask, Don’t Tell

At its simplest, the coaching habit is about changing one pattern: replacing telling with asking. Stanier emphasizes that this change is deceptively difficult. You’ve been rewarded for providing answers—seen as competent and decisive. Asking questions, by contrast, can feel slow and uncertain. But the shift unleashes trust and ownership from your colleagues. Using the seven questions, you move from the role of fixer to facilitator.

The seven questions—Kickstart, AWE (And What Else), Focus, Foundation, Lazy, Strategic, and Learning—each do something subtle but powerful. They help you start strong, stay curious, deepen understanding, clarify intentions, avoid overwhelm, and end conversations with insight. The first (Kickstart) opens doors; the second (AWE) multiplies options; the third (Focus) uncovers the real challenge; the fourth (Foundation) explores motives; the fifth (Lazy) defines appropriate help; the sixth (Strategic) clarifies priorities; the last (Learning) embeds reflection and growth.

The Science of Building Habits

Before adopting these questions, Stanier walks you through how habits actually form—dispelling myths like the “21 days to build a habit” myth. Drawing on research from Duke University and behavioral economists, he shows that nearly half our daily actions are habitual and mostly unconscious. To build new habits, five components are essential: reason, trigger, micro-habit, practice, and plan. You start by identifying your motivation (your “vow”), know what triggers old behavior, define a small actionable step, practice deeply with recognition, and design what you’ll do when you stumble.

This framework prepares you to embed coaching as an actual habit rather than treat it as conceptual knowledge. The author’s “New Habit Formula” helps translate insights into practice: “When this happens… instead of… I will…”. For example: “When my team member asks for advice, instead of giving it, I will ask ‘And what else?’”. Simple, repeatable, and measurable—this formula is your engine for lasting change.

From Manager to Coach: Why It Changes Everything

Ultimately, Stanier positions coaching as not just a skill but a way of leading—and living. It’s about building courage and curiosity rather than control and compliance. Coaching is reframed from a formal performance tool into a conversational habit that fosters learning in real time. When you shift from telling to asking, you reduce your own workload while cultivating others’ capacity and motivation.

By the book’s end, Stanier insists coaching is “simple but not easy.” You’ll confront resistance—your own Advice Monster, team skepticism, or the habit of giving quick answers. Yet habit mechanics, curiosity, and the seven core questions provide a practical path forward. They turn every conversation—formal or impromptu—into a moment of development. As Jonas Salk’s quote reminds, “What people think of as the moment of discovery is really the discovery of the question.” The Coaching Habit teaches you to discover—and to let others discover—the right questions every day.

Stanier’s seven essential questions form the backbone of the coaching habit. Each serves a distinct purpose yet is united by one theme—staying curious longer. Used in sequence or selectively, these questions reshape how conversations unfold. Let’s explore how each one works and when to use it.

1. The Kickstart Question – “What’s on your mind?”

Designed to skip small talk and get right to substance, this opening question is a conversational catalyst. It’s neither too broad nor too narrow. It invites focus while granting autonomy—letting the other person set the agenda. The question bypasses routine meetings’ ossified agendas and trivial chatter. Once asked, you can deepen focus using the 3P framework—projects, people, and patterns—to help explore whether the challenge lies in the task, relationships, or recurring behaviors.

2. The AWE Question – “And what else?”

This simple follow-up is what Bungay Stanier deems the best coaching question in the world. It expands insight with minimal effort by nudging for more: more wisdom, options, and depth. It keeps you from jumping to advice and keeps the other person generating ideas. Ask it several times—typically three to five—until you reach, “There’s nothing else.” That’s your cue that the exploration is complete.

3. The Focus Question – “What’s the real challenge here for you?”

This question clears the fog. Often, people present the wrong problem—the symptom, not the cause. Adding “for you” personalizes it and shifts from abstract issue to meaningful insight. Stanier classifies common conversational traps as “Foggy-fiers”: the proliferation of challenges, coaching the ghost (talking about someone not present), and abstractions without ownership. The Focus Question gets to what truly matters.

4. The Foundation Question – “What do you want?”

At the heart of adult-to-adult relationships lies clarity about wants and needs. This tough question exposes ambiguity and miscommunication. Drawing on Peter Block’s definition of adult freedom—asking for what you want, accepting a potential “No”—Stanier guides leaders toward honest requests. Understanding the basic human needs (from Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication model, such as freedom, identity, protection) helps decode what lies beneath every want.

5. The Lazy Question – “How can I help?”

This prevents the advice-giving rescue reflex. Instead of assuming what’s required, you ask for clarity. It converts unspoken expectations into explicit requests. The Lazy Question also resets power dynamics—because offering unsolicited help can feel controlling. With “How can I help?” you make assistance a choice rather than an assumption. A blunter variant, “What do you want from me?”, can uncover misaligned expectations fast.

6. The Strategic Question – “If you’re saying Yes to this, what are you saying No to?”

Strategy isn’t about doing everything—it’s about conscious trade-offs. Borrowing from Michael Porter’s insight that “strategy is choosing what not to do,” Stanier turns this idea into a coaching tool. The question simplifies priorities, combats overwhelm, and forces clarity. You can explore “Nos” across projects, people, and patterns—asking what tasks, relationships, or habits must change to make room for your Yes.

7. The Learning Question – “What was most useful for you?”

Ending a conversation with reflection solidifies learning. People learn not by hearing advice but by generating insight themselves. This question closes the loop, helping embed memory and development. It acts as a “peak-end” enhancer: finishing on a useful note leaves a lasting positive impression. Together, the Kickstart and Learning Questions form “bookends” for all coaching conversations—starting strong and finishing smart.

Coaching is not theory—it’s habit.

By mastering these seven questions, you make coaching a reflex, not a ritual. Conversation becomes a tool for growth, not control.

It’s one thing to know what to do; it’s another to do it consistently. Stanier devotes significant space to unpacking the science of change so that coaching habits become instinctive. Drawing on behavioral researchers such as B.J. Fogg and Charles Duhigg, he outlines five components that make new behaviors sustainable: your vow, your trigger, your micro-habit, deep practice, and your recovery plan.

Making a Vow: Connect to Purpose

Start with meaning. Change sticks only when it serves something beyond self-interest. Inspired by Leo Babauta’s philosophy in Zen Habits, Stanier suggests connecting new habits to people you care about. For instance, rather than thinking “I’ll ask better questions to look like a good manager,” think, “I’ll build trust so my team feels empowered.” When the goal aligns with serving others, motivation endures through difficulty.

Finding Triggers: Alert Moments of Choice

Habits depend on triggers—the cues that prompt behavior. Using Duhigg’s insight that triggers are defined by location, time, emotion, people, or previous action, Stanier shows how specificity is power. The vague “I’ll coach more often” fails, but “When my team member asks for help, I will ask ‘What’s on your mind?’” works because it’s exact. You only change behavior when you spot the moment that precedes it.

Micro-Habits: Keep It Short and Specific

B.J. Fogg’s concept of “tiny habits” anchors Stanier’s micro-habit approach: make actions so small they take sixty seconds or less. The goal is not grand transformation but consistent movement. Instead of “Become an empathetic listener,” a micro-habit would be “Pause for three seconds after asking a question.” These micro-actions bypass resistance and create momentum toward mastery.

Practice Deeply

Learning requires mindful repetition. Drawing on Daniel Coyle’s The Talent Code, Stanier emphasizes “Deep Practice”: break actions into small chunks, repeat them at varying speeds, and celebrate small successes. When building your coaching habit, practice one question for a week—ask it in different contexts, notice what works, and celebrate progress rather than perfection. This process gradually moves you from “conscious incompetence” to “conscious competence.”

Planning for Recovery

Habits fail not because we make mistakes but because we don’t plan for them. Jeremy Dean’s Making Habits, Breaking Habits teaches that resilient systems include failure protocols. Stanier recommends designing recovery statements like “When I break the habit, I’ll start again immediately.” This mindset turns relapse into learning. You’re shaping structures, not striving for perfection.

In short, successful habit-building demands simplicity, meaning, and persistence. Or as the author puts it, start somewhere easy, start small, buddy up, and get back on the horse. Simple doesn’t mean easy—but with the right mechanics, it becomes inevitable.

Stanier identifies three vicious cycles that coaching helps you break: creating overdependence, getting overwhelmed, and becoming disconnected. These cycles drain productivity and motivation but are self-inflicted—often born of managers trying to help too much. Coaching replaces control with empowerment, restoring focus and meaning.

Overdependence: The Bottleneck Syndrome

Managers who supply all the answers build dependency. Team members learn to wait rather than act, which turns the manager into a bottleneck for decisions. Coaching questions like “What’s on your mind?” or “What’s the real challenge for you?” reverse that pattern. They demand thinking and ownership. In doing so, autonomy increases, and the team’s collective mastery grows. (Peter Senge’s learning organization concept aligns with this—people grow when systems invite reflection, not instruction.)

Overwhelm: Lost in the Busy Trap

Overwhelm stems from information and obligation overload. When work expands infinitely, energy and clarity collapse. The Strategic Question—“If you’re saying Yes to this, what are you saying No to?”—targets overwhelm directly. It teaches focus by demanding sacrifice. You start working on what truly matters, not what’s merely urgent. Stanier references research showing that limiting options improves decision quality, echoing Barry Schwartz’s “Paradox of Choice.”

Disconnection: Losing Sight of Meaning

Managers often drift into administrative work that lacks purpose, disconnecting from meaningful impact. Coaching reconnects people not just to tasks, but to significance. The Foundation and Learning Questions—“What do you want?” and “What was most useful for you?”—restore that link, inviting introspection and learning. They reawaken intrinsic motivation, a concept Daniel Pink explores in Drive—the need for autonomy, mastery, and purpose.

By breaking these cycles, coaching transforms the workplace from reactive to reflective. The manager shifts from “hero” to “host”—someone who creates spaces for others to thrive. That’s not just good management; it’s leadership that lasts.

The biggest enemy of coaching isn’t ignorance—it’s the instinct to solve. Stanier personifies this compulsion as the Advice Monster, that inner voice insisting you must offer solutions immediately. While intended as helpful, it often smothers growth. By taming the Advice Monster, you switch from performance to development coaching and create truly transformative dialogue.

Why We Love Giving Advice

Our brains crave certainty. Organizations reward decisiveness. These forces combine to make advice-giving addictive. Yet it short-circuits others’ learning. Stanier cites a study showing doctors interrupt patients after only 18 seconds—a habit common to managers too. You jump in before understanding the issue. Curiosity feels slow but is far more productive.

How to Tame It

The antidote is the AWE Question: “And what else?” This keeps you from reacting and keeps others thinking. Each time you’re about to give advice, pause and ask it instead. The Lazy Question—“How can I help?”—complements it by forcing clarity before you leap into assumption. Over time, this rewires your reflexes. You realize the first answer is rarely the best one—and silence is often your most powerful tool.

Shift from Rescuer to Coach

Stanier draws on Stephen Karpman’s Drama Triangle to illustrate the dynamics between Rescuer, Victim, and Persecutor. Each role is dysfunctional, but Rescuers—those who overhelp—are particularly common in management. Asking questions instead of fixing problems breaks this cycle. Every time you resist rescuing, you allow others to own their choices. You help more by helping less.

Tell less and ask more.

Your advice isn’t as good as you think. Curiosity, not cleverness, is what transforms relationships and results.

Coaching isn’t just about progress; it’s about learning. Stanier ends with the Learning Question—“What was most useful for you?”—because reflection transforms experience into insight. He blends neuroscience and psychology to show why this question strengthens memory and motivation long after a conversation ends.

Learning Through Reflection

People don’t learn by being told; they learn by thinking. Chris Argyris’s “double-loop learning” explains that development happens when you not only fix problems but reflect on how you solved them. Asking “What was most useful?” activates this second loop. It helps embed lessons into long-term memory. NeuroLeadership Institute research (AGES model: Attention, Generation, Emotion, Spacing) confirms that self-generated insights “stick” better than passive instruction.

The Peak-End Principle

Daniel Kahneman’s “peak-end rule” adds further power. We remember experiences by their peak and ending moments. Ending conversations on usefulness ensures every interaction leaves a positive emotional trace. It turns coaching into memorable closure—people feel valued, reflective, and motivated to apply learning.

Making Learning Mutual

Stanier suggests sharing your own answer too: “What was most useful for me was hearing your perspective.” This mutual exchange builds engagement and trust—a small conversational ritual that accumulates big cultural impact. You end meetings not with lists of tasks but with lessons learned.

By consistently ending interactions with learning, you transform routine management into growth experiences. Coaching becomes not a task but a habit—the habit of reflection that makes good teams great.