Single, Dating, Engaged, Married

How can you navigate the stormy seas of love, dating, and faith without losing yourself to fear, confusion, or modern culture’s conflicting messages? In Single, Dating, Engaged, Married, Ben Stuart offers a biblical framework for moving through the four major seasons of romantic life—singleness, dating, engagement, and marriage—with clarity, purpose, and devotion to God. He argues that modern relationships often flounder because people pursue connection before establishing their direction in God. His premise is simple but profound: until your relationship with God is right, your relationship with a guy or girl will always drift off course.

Stuart invites readers to raise their spiritual flag—his metaphor for surrendering the ship of one’s life to God as the only reliable pilot through love’s uncertain waters. He claims that God has created each relational season with meaning and advantages when approached faithfully. Singleness isn’t a waiting room; it’s a calling to devotion. Dating isn’t an endless status; it’s a process of evaluation. Engagement isn’t just wedding prep; it’s a merger of lives and families. Marriage isn’t a finish line; it’s a lifelong mission to reflect the love of Christ and the church.

The Cultural Chaos of Modern Relationships

The author opens by diagnosing today’s relational confusion with humor and empathy. From the paralytic ambiguity of texts and social media to fears of failure rooted in watching parents divorce, he identifies fear, pride, and lust as the dominant forces steering modern romance. These impulses, he says, push people toward isolation or shallow encounters, delaying genuine love. Stuart supports his critique with data—rising ages of marriage, loneliness, and sexual brokenness—to show a generation adrift. Yet he insists we aren’t doomed. Just as sailors use fixed celestial points to chart their course, people can orient their relational journeys using God’s fixed truths about love, identity, and purpose.

The Central Journey: From God to Others

Stuart structures the book around a sequential path: Single → Dating → Engaged → Married. Each stage builds upon the previous one and has its own divine purpose. The progression mirrors spiritual growth—each phase forming character in preparation for the next. Whether someone is navigating heartbreak, searching for clarity, or building a marriage, the destination is the same: intimacy with God first, intimacy with others second. The thesis echoes Scripture’s truth from 1 John 4:7—“We love because He first loved us.” According to Stuart, once you are connected to the divine source of love, your relationships stop being desperate attempts to fill a void and instead become channels for giving love away.

Why This Framework Matters

The reason Stuart’s message resonates, especially with young adults, is that it combines realism and hope. He admits the pain of modern dating—the regrets, confusion, and broken hearts he witnessed through ministry to thousands of college students—but he refuses to be cynical. Instead, he maps out what healthy love looks like through biblical wisdom and real-life illustrations. The point, he says, is not to make romance easy but to make it meaningful. Each stage of life—being single, dating, engaged, or married—is a tool in God’s hand for spiritual formation.

The Four Seasons of Relationship

You’ll explore singleness as a season of undistracted devotion inspired by Paul’s teaching in 1 Corinthians 7. You’ll see dating reframed from a game to a purposeful evaluation process guided by character and clarity. Engagement becomes a time of merging families, finances, and futures in preparation for lifelong covenant, modeled by biblical couples like Isaac and Rebekah or Aquila and Priscilla. Finally, marriage emerges as both picture and mission—a living parable of Jesus’ faithful love for His church and a shared pursuit of purpose. Throughout these transitions, Stuart tells stories of modern students overwhelmed by secret heartbreak and ancient believers like Paul who saw every life stage as missional opportunity.

A Compass of Grace and Truth

Ultimately, Single, Dating, Engaged, Married offers more than relationship advice—it is a discipleship map. Stuart integrates theology, psychology, and practical steps to guide you through love’s complexities with spiritual confidence. He challenges cultural myths (“Find the one who completes you”) by centering on divine sufficiency (“Find the One who created you”). The framework allows you to breathe grace into every phase, whether you’re embracing singleness, navigating dating decisions, preparing for marriage, or renewing love after vows. In all, this is a manifesto for living love with wisdom, courage, and faith—that when you start with God as your pilot, every stage of life can lead you safely home.

Before you ever reach for romance, Ben Stuart insists, you must secure your relationship with God. Using a vivid scuba-diving story, he describes how a diver who loses oxygen in panic clings to another person for air, turning a life-giving partnership into exploitation. Likewise, when you cut yourself off from God—the true source of life—you suffocate spiritually and begin trying to draw oxygen from others. The result is the relational toxicity that defines so many modern loves: people desperate for affirmation instead of overflowing with love.

Love Flows From Wholeness, Not Need

The heart of this principle comes from 1 John 4:7—love originates in God. Stuart shows that love is not manufactured by willpower or chemistry; it is received and reflected. When your identity is rooted in divine acceptance, love naturally extends outward. Otherwise, relationships become extraction rather than expression. He reminds the reader that our culture often reverses priorities—seeking fulfillment through romance rather than faith—and that this reversal fuels heartbreak and codependence.

Understanding God’s Love: Sends, Sacrifices, and Stays

Stuart unpacks how God’s love is demonstrated in three movements: Love Sends, Love Sacrifices, and Love Stays. These dimensions are seen in Jesus Christ’s work—His coming to earth, His self-sacrifice on the cross, and His abiding presence through the Spirit. When you grasp this, you no longer chase people to prove your worth. You love as one already loved. Stuart intertwines modern illustrations—from films like The Notebook to stories of real-life sacrifice such as Navy SEAL Michael Monsoor’s heroism—to make theological truth tangible.

Receiving Before Giving

Being beloved, Stuart emphasizes, is not sentimental language; it’s the spiritual posture that enables healthy relationships. He warns that when affection isn’t fueled by truth—knowing your identity in Christ—your emotions will evaporate under stress. Thus, single or married, you must first ground yourself in God’s unconditional love. Only then can you enter relationships as a giver rather than a taker, a fountain rather than a drain. This concept parallels Timothy Keller’s arguments in The Meaning of Marriage, which likewise portrays divine love as the foundation for human love.

By anchoring love in God, you learn both courage and freedom. Courage, because you no longer fear rejection; freedom, because you no longer idolize romance as your savior. As Stuart beautifully summarizes, “When you have a source of life, you become a source of life.” This spiritual realignment sets the entire trajectory of healthy relationships to follow.

For Stuart, singleness isn’t a penalty but a purpose. Drawing from 1 Corinthians 7, he reframes singleness as an intentional season of undistracted devotion to God. Using humor and childhood anecdotes—like comparing an undervalued Christmas gift of stock certificates to his fleeting excitement over a slingshot—he illustrates how what feels disappointing in the moment can later prove deeply rewarding. Likewise, singleness might now look like a less exciting gift, but with maturity and faith, its long-term dividends become clear.

The Purpose Behind the Gift

Paul calls singleness a gift not because it eliminates longing but because it expands opportunity. Stuart explains that single adults possess two unmatched assets: freedom and time. Unlike married life, which involves split loyalties and heavier responsibilities, singleness offers liberty to pursue God’s call fully. It’s a training ground for devotion and mission, a time to build spiritual discipline and invest in others without distraction.

Freedom With Purpose

Rather than treating singleness as extended adolescence or an “in-between phase,” Stuart calls it “freedom with a purpose.” He warns against filling this season with aimless entertainment or shallow pursuits—like bingeing games or endlessly scrolling social media. Instead, he suggests tangible ways to transform freedom into service: mentoring younger believers, pursuing Scripture deeply, traveling for missions, or investing in professional and personal growth. He quotes missionary Jim Elliot’s admonition: “Let not our longing slay our appetite for living.”

The Single Life Well Lived

By studying the apostle Paul’s example, Stuart shows what a life maximized in singleness can look like—impactful, relationally rich, and eternally focused. To him, devotion is not monastic withdrawal but attentiveness: being close to God’s Word and attentive to His work. He urges singles to let intimacy with God translate into activity for God. This reframing demolishes cultural pity around singleness. You aren’t waiting to start life; you are fully alive in the life God gives now. As he writes, “If your singleness is not spent in passionate pursuit of your Maker, you are doing singleness wrong.”

Ben Stuart might make you laugh before he makes you think, but his lessons on dating cut deep. He recounts comedic college disasters—like a beach date gone wrong involving another suitor and a broken carriage—to show how confusion and lack of purpose make modern dating painful. His remedy is blunt: dating shouldn’t be a status you sit in but a process you move through. The goal? Not entertainment or validation, but evaluation—discerning whether someone is spiritually, emotionally, and practically compatible for marriage.

Character Over Chemistry

Stuart warns that infatuation can blind you. Chemistry matters—but character sustains. He contrasts looking for a partner like ordering a custom burger (consumer mentality) versus searching for a companion to journey through purpose (covenant mentality). Drawing from Proverbs, he outlines biblical wisdom: seek humility, integrity, and devotion to God, not just charm or beauty. Charm is fleeting, he reminds, and beauty fades—but godly character only deepens with time. Dating apps and digital options, however convenient, can accentuate our consumer instincts, evaluating others by looks rather than substance.

Clarity, Not Games

If ambiguity is the seedbed of anxiety, then clarity is the soil of peace. Stuart encourages daters to communicate intentions clearly—ask people out directly, define relationships honestly, and give permission for exits kindly. “Say what you mean, mean what you say,” he advises. His narrative of meeting his wife Donna demonstrates that clarity, grace, and humor can transform dating from chaos to joy. He also teaches that autonomy matters: until marriage, no one belongs to anyone; thus, boundaries must reflect mutual respect rather than possessiveness.

Purity as Protection

Perhaps his most countercultural stance is that sexual purity is not repression but protection of true intimacy. Drawing on science as well as Scripture, Stuart explains that sex chemically binds people (“the two will become one flesh”) and clouds judgment. Introducing it prematurely undermines evaluation and amplifies pain if the relationship ends. Instead of guilt, he offers grace—a chance to reset boundaries and reclaim purity as the path to lasting joy. Dating, therefore, is best practiced prayerfully, gracefully, and within the safety of community counsel. It’s less about finding “the one” and more about becoming the right kind of one.

In one of his most direct and cultural commentaries, Stuart addresses sex as both a good gift and a dangerous fire. His brushfire story—lighting a massive pile of brush and nearly burning his yard—illustrates that when fire stays in the fireplace, it warms the home; outside it, it destroys it. The same is true of sexuality. Inside marriage, sex unites and nurtures intimacy. Outside it, it becomes destructive, generating shame, addiction, and heartbreak. Stuart’s analysis is both biblical and sociological, citing escalating porn consumption, sexual anxiety, and relational breakdown as proof that culture’s experiment with unrestricted sex has failed.

The Cultural Lies About Sex

Culture, he says, teaches three lies: sex is casual, sex is essential, and sex is only physical. Stuart dismantles each by showing how Scripture and neuroscience agree that sex is deeply emotional and spiritual. Drawing on researchers like Helen Fisher and Norman Doidge, he notes how oxytocin and dopamine create powerful bonds that cheap hookups cannot sustain. When misused, these bonds fray the soul. Pornography, he warns, not only objectifies partners but also damages real intimacy by rewiring desire, desensitizing the brain, and driving isolation.

God’s Design for Freedom

Far from being anti-sex, Scripture is profoundly pro-sex—within its divine boundary. Proverbs 5, he points out, celebrates marital pleasure with unashamed delight. God’s prohibition isn’t prudishness; it’s protection. The Creator set boundaries because He loves us. Stuart compares this to fire inside a hearth: contained passion generates warmth; uncontrolled passion brings ruin. He invites readers to be both “stronger on the outside” (building boundaries) and “softer on the inside” (accepting grace after failure). Jesus, he reminds, brings forgiveness and the power to begin anew.

Healing and Hope

For anyone wounded by sexual sin or past abuse, Stuart offers hope, not shame. He cites Paul’s assurance to the Corinthians—“such were some of you, but you were washed.” Redemption is possible, recovery realistic. He encourages practical steps: accountability, boundaries with technology, confession, and community. Above all, believers must root purity in relationship, not rule-keeping. Sex is holy because people are holy, designed for covenant, not consumption. When reframed this way, sexuality becomes not a source of fear but an avenue for worship, gratitude, and joy.

Engagement, for Stuart, isn’t just wedding planning—it’s spiritual welding. He calls it a “merger” of families, finances, and futures, a short but intense stage where two lives begin becoming one. Using personal anecdotes—like his unforgettable first encounter with his father-in-law, a mortician, during a literal corpse-dressing session—he underscores that engagement joins not only two people’s dreams but their entire worlds. The wise couple, he argues, treats this period as preparation for mission, not merely ceremony.

Family, Finances, and Future

These three arenas require intentional merging. Family means honoring parents, building respectful bonds with in-laws, and showing maturity that earns trust. Finances demand transparency and teamwork—creating budgets, discussing debt, and aligning stewardship values. Future means crafting shared vision: how to serve, where to live, when to have children, what rhythms will shape married life. Engagement should train communication, not just celebration.

Faith as the Anchor

Like a ship docking after a long voyage, engagement brings couples close to the shore—and the rocks. It’s exciting but dangerous, requiring careful guidance. Stuart compares God to the tugboat captain who safely leads tankers into port. The couple’s task is to surrender control, letting divine wisdom guide every decision. By seeking counsel, praying together, and setting firm boundaries, couples turn engagement into an apprenticeship for marriage. Ultimately, Stuart reveals, engagement at its best teaches trust—trust in each other and trust in God’s steady hand as they unite their lives.

According to Ben Stuart, marriage reaches its fullest potential when it becomes both a picture of Christ’s love and a pursuit of His mission. Drawing from Ephesians 5, he explains that marriage reflects divine order—not hierarchy or domination, but mutual flourishing through sacrificial love and respectful support. Rejecting cultural caricatures, he shows how wives and husbands embody God’s nature differently yet equally: wives respond and affirm; husbands initiate and sacrifice. Together, they display what love looks like when grace governs power.

The Design: Complement, Not Compete

Marriage begins in Genesis 2, where man and woman are created complementary—different but fitting. When both submit to God and each other, freedom emerges. Stuart clarifies misconceptions: submission isn’t servitude; leadership isn’t tyranny. Submission means recognizing roles within order; leadership means initiating service. He humorously observes that women don’t resent leadership—they resent bad leadership. A godly husband who initiates with humility and sacrifice mirrors Christ, nurturing trust and unity.

Love That Sends and Sacrifices

Stuart urges husbands to “initiate and sacrifice so their wives can flourish under God.” Using Jesus as the model, he unpacks love that acts—whether through planning dates, initiating spiritual life, or making sacrifices for her good. For wives, respect and affirmation build that environment of flourishing. Men crave honor; women crave care. When both needs are met through Christlike service, marriage becomes transformative. Citing examples from modern couples and theologians like Wayne Grudem and Timothy Keller, Stuart anchors mutual servanthood in theology, not gender politics.

The Mission: Marriage on Purpose

In the follow-up study of Priscilla and Aquila, Stuart demonstrates that marriage also exists for impact. The couple turned their home into a church, mentored leaders like Apollos, and risked their lives for the gospel. Similarly, modern couples can fuse intimacy and mission—using hospitality, generosity, and teamwork to bless others. The happiest marriages, he insists, are those united by a compelling purpose. When partners serve God together, their love matures beyond emotion into shared destiny. As Stuart concludes, “Your marriage is safest when it is on mission.”