Set Boundaries, Find Peace

When was the last time you said yes when every cell in your body wanted to say no? Nedra Glover Tawwab’s Set Boundaries, Find Peace opens with that very question—inviting you to confront the invisible walls, guilt, and exhaustion that often accompany our daily relationships. Tawwab argues that boundaries aren’t barriers to connection; they’re the blueprint for authentic peace. Without them, you drift through life feeling resentful, overwhelmed, and quietly furious that no one recognizes your limits.

As both a therapist and a woman who’s wrestled with codependency herself, Tawwab contends that healthy boundaries are the key to emotional freedom. The book draws from her fourteen years of clinical practice, peppered with real-life stories—from clients like Kim, who couldn’t stop saying yes, to Erica, a single mother drowning in burnout. Through these narratives, she unpacks how setting boundaries can transform relationships, self-care, and inner peace.

Boundaries Misunderstood

For many of us, boundaries sound cold—rules that separate or limit. Tawwab challenges this fear directly: boundaries are expectations that define how we allow others to interact with us. They’re not punitive; they’re protective. In fact, they’re acts of self-love. Her central argument rests on this idea: peace doesn’t come from endless tolerance or forced niceness. It comes from clarity. “Clarity saves relationships,” she insists, reminding readers that people can’t honor boundaries they don’t know exist.

The Cost of Saying Yes Too Often

When you avoid saying no, you pay in emotional currency—resentment, fatigue, and anxiety. Tawwab illustrates this through Kim’s story, a high-achieving newlywed who was drowning under the pressure to be “the best” in every role. Kim’s porous boundaries caused her exhaustion; her kindness became self-sacrifice. Tawwab’s therapy sessions reveal how chronic burnout and anxiety often mask deeper problems of overcommitment and lack of assertiveness. “Burnout is overwhelming,” she writes, “and boundaries are the cure.”

She shows how the inability to set limits isn’t just emotional—it’s cultural. Many of us are raised to equate saying no with being rude or selfish. In reality, it’s a necessary act of wellness. Psychologists like Brené Brown and James Clear echo this philosophy in their works on vulnerability and habits: discomfort is temporary, but resentment is long-term. Tawwab takes that truth further by offering scripts, step-by-step strategies, and even role-play templates to transform guilt into confidence.

How Boundaries Work in Practice

Tawwab’s approach is practical, dividing boundaries into six types—physical, sexual, intellectual, emotional, material, and time. Across the book, she shows how these manifest differently in family, work, romance, friendships, and even technology. For example, a physical boundary might be asking someone not to hug you; a time boundary might be saying no to staying late at work. She integrates interactive exercises to help you identify which boundaries are porous (too weak), rigid (too strict), or healthy (balanced). Each type follows the same pattern: recognize your discomfort, state your need clearly, and follow through with action.

Fear, Guilt, and the Myth of Meanness

One of Tawwab’s most reassuring insights is that guilt is normal. You will feel “mean.” You will worry that people won’t like you. And you will survive it. Guilt is a reflex from old conditioning, not a moral compass. As she confesses, even therapists have to practice boundaries daily—or they risk relapse into old habits of people-pleasing. “When I let up on setting perimeters,” she writes in the preface, “my old problems resurface.” Her honesty turns theory into lived wisdom, reminding readers that boundaries are a lifelong discipline, not a one-time fix.

A Roadmap to Relationships That Heal

From families that guilt-trip (“But he’s your brother”) to workplaces that glorify overwork, Tawwab outlines boundaries as a moral framework for mutual respect. In romantic relationships, she shows how unspoken expectations destroy trust—echoing Esther Perel’s argument in Mating in Captivity that couples often trade authenticity for harmony. In friendships, she decodes emotional dumping and chronic complaining, teaching readers to differentiate empathy from enabling. And in the digital age, she reminds us that social media boundaries are just as vital—for protecting mental health from comparison and burnout.

Ultimately, Tawwab’s message boils down to one truth: boundaries are not about controlling others; they’re about controlling your participation. The peace you’re searching for doesn’t depend on people agreeing with your limits—it depends on you honoring them. This book is a compassionate manual for saying no without shame, setting limits without apology, and finally finding peace not through perfection or people-pleasing, but through clarity and courage.

How do you actually know your boundaries are being violated? Tawwab provides what might be the most relatable checklist in modern psychology—signs of unhealthy boundaries that many readers instantly recognize as their own lives in miniature. You feel overwhelmed. You resent people for asking for help. You fantasize about running away. You avoid certain calls. These are not random annoyances; they’re alarm bells warning that you’ve lost control of your emotional ecosystem.

The Everyday Signs of Boundary Erosion

Tawwab’s client Kim is the archetype of boundary burnout: a high-performing woman who equates worth with usefulness. She’s exhausted yet continues saying yes—to coworkers, friends, and family. By the time she lands in therapy, she’s battling anxiety that feels physical: sleepless nights, morning dread, and endless rumination about unfinished tasks. Through Kim’s story, Tawwab introduces the concept of porous boundaries—the kind that let everyone’s expectations flood in while your own needs evaporate.

Resentment, Tawwab explains, is the emotional residue of overextension. “Feeling taken advantage of, frustrated, annoyed, and bitter,” she writes, “signals a lack of limits.” In these moments, self-care isn’t a luxury—it's maintenance. Saying no is the oxygen mask you must place on yourself before assisting others.

Self-Care Reframed

Tawwab redefines self-care as boundary care, contrasting it with the spa-day cliché. It’s not pampering; it’s clarity. In practice, this means refusing to volunteer for things that drain you, delegating tasks, or simply carving out five minutes to breathe. “Neglecting self-care,” she says, “is the first casualty of poor boundaries.” By reframing self-care as structural—like maintaining a building’s foundation—she shifts it from indulgent to indispensable.

Three Levels of Boundaries

To help you locate yourself on the spectrum, Tawwab describes three main types: porous, rigid, and healthy. Porous boundaries look like people-pleasing, chronic guilt, and codependency. Rigid boundaries are emotional walls that prevent connection. Healthy boundaries balance flexibility and assertiveness—you can say no without cruelty and yes without obligation. Recognizing which level dominates your relationships is step one toward building healthier dynamics.

(Other experts like Dr. Henry Cloud in Boundaries also emphasize this triad, but Tawwab’s version adds the emotional nuance of real therapy sessions, making it easier for you to see yourself in these types.)

The Two-Part Solution: Communication and Action

Learning to say no is only half the work. The second step, Tawwab stresses, is following through. For instance, if you tell a friend that last-minute cancellations aren’t okay, then you must decline the next invitation that arrives too late. Action, not explanation, earns respect. “Betting on the other person to read your mind,” she warns, “is a recipe for an unhealthy relationship.” Boundaries without enforcement are just wishful thinking.

Every person, Tawwab reminds us, will test your limits—intentionally or not. They’ll push, question, ignore, defend, ghost, or accept. Healthy relationships survive these tests because both parties grow through mutual respect. Toxic ones collapse when only one side is willing to change. Recognizing these responses isn’t about controlling others’ behavior. It’s about predicting patterns and choosing how you’ll respond to protect your peace.

Core Reminder

Boundaries are not selfish. They’re a demonstration of self-respect—and a prerequisite for functional relationships.

Why do we avoid boundaries even when we know they’d help? Tawwab says the answer lies in our fear of discomfort, not confrontation. We’d rather endure resentment than risk awkwardness. This dynamic plays out in Erica’s story, a single mother and accountant whose burnout nearly derails her family life. Her endless to-do list and lack of help lead to exhaustion—and yet she refuses to ask for support, fearing that others will see her as failing.

Choosing Discomfort Over Resentment

Tawwab borrows Brené Brown’s line “Choose discomfort over resentment” to make this point stick: momentary unease is lighter than long-term bitterness. Erica eventually learns to ask friends to watch her children, hire a housekeeper, and give her daughters chores. These small acts of clarity save her from collapse. “Burnout,” Tawwab writes, “is overwhelming, and boundaries are the cure.” You can’t eliminate stress, but you can control the flow of responsibility.

Seven Causes of Burnout

Erica’s case unfolds into a broader map of why we self-destruct: not knowing when or how to say no, prioritizing others, people-pleasing, superhero syndrome, unrealistic expectations, and lack of appreciation. Each of these, Tawwab explains, points back to avoidance. Saying “I can do it all” is seductive but dangerous. She advises boundaries like carpooling, delegating, and creating self-care rituals as micro-corrections for overwhelming routines.

When Mental Health Magnifies Boundary Problems

Tawwab integrates clinical wisdom here, connecting anxiety, depression, and personality disorders to boundary erosion. For anxious people, saying no triggers catastrophic thinking—what if they get mad, leave, or judge me? For the depressed, the inability to advocate for yourself perpetuates hopelessness. Her advice parallels cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT): start small, correct your order if it’s wrong at a restaurant, and build confidence through micro-boundaries.

This psychological layer adds depth: poor boundary setting doesn’t just stress you out; it sustains anxiety loops and depressive thought patterns. By practicing assertiveness, you don’t just protect your time—you rewire your nervous system to experience safety in self-expression.

Actionable Reminder

Guilt is not a stop sign; it’s proof you’re doing something healthy that your old habits don’t recognize yet.

From childhood onward, we’re often taught that saying no equals being mean, disobedient, or rude. Tawwab traces this conditioning to family systems, showing how parents—often subconsciously—train kids to neglect their own preferences. Through stories like Justin’s, who became the “man of the house” at twelve, she exposes how early enmeshment and emotional neglect create adults who equate love with obligation.

Family Scripts That Undermine Autonomy

Children learn boundaries first at home. When a child says, “I don’t want to hug Aunt Carol,” and the parent insists anyway, the parent is teaching suppression, not kindness. According to Tawwab, those moments become lifelong blueprints for people-pleasing. Parents might say they’re merely enforcing politeness, but in practice, they’re erasing bodily autonomy. Later, that same child becomes the adult who can’t tell a coworker or partner no without spiraling into guilt.

Learning From Modeling

Children mirror what they see. If parents never rest or vocalize needs, children internalize martyrdom as normal behavior. Tawwab highlights this intergenerational dynamic through mothers who modeled selflessness at the expense of well-being. “Did you see your mother caring for herself?” she asks her clients. Most say no. Just like James Clear describes in Atomic Habits, small choices become identity. In families, small acts of boundary-setting (or failing to do so) create generational patterns.

Thought Patterns That Block Boundaries

Tawwab lists nine reasons we avoid setting limits: fear of being mean or rude, people-pleasing, anxiety about awkwardness, feeling powerless, finding value only in helping others, projecting our discomfort with being told no, lack of guidance on where to start, and believing certain relationships (like family) are exempt. Each fear is self-reinforcing—the less we set boundaries, the scarier it becomes to start.

Her antidote is exposure therapy in real life: start small, feel guilt, and survive it. You learn that people often receive boundaries better than your catastrophizing predicts. Over time, you trade fear for self-trust. “Don’t betray yourself to please others,” she warns, converting what feels like conflict into self-compassion. In practice, this means reframing no as an act of clarity, not cruelty.

Tawwab’s taxonomy of boundaries—physical, sexual, intellectual, emotional, material, and time—is the most structured part of the book. Each type defines a distinct arena where limits keep relationships balanced. Collectively, they form what psychologist Sharon Martin calls an “invisible fence of self-respect.” Here’s how Tawwab turns abstract boundaries into concrete examples that anyone can implement.

Physical and Sexual

Physical boundaries include space and touch—what feels comfortable to your body. From declining hugs to asking someone to step back, Tawwab normalizes such statements. Sexual boundaries, on the other hand, are built on consent and safety: “Touching or commenting without permission,” she writes, “is never acceptable.” These sections echo trauma-informed principles from Claudia Black and Esther Perel, stressing that safety is nonnegotiable.

Intellectual and Emotional

Intellectual boundaries protect your ideas and opinions. Disagree without disrespect, and avoid adult conversations with children who can’t process them. Emotional boundaries focus on sharing feelings appropriately and protecting your energy from emotional dumping. Tawwab’s client Alex exemplifies poor emotional boundaries—oversharing from lack of validation—and learns to disclose gradually, only with trusted people.

Material and Time

Material boundaries deal with possessions: loaning money, returning items, and protecting your resources. Time boundaries are about scheduling, overcommitment, and access. These may be the hardest because they involve self-discipline and asserting priorities. Saying “I’m unavailable this weekend” is not laziness—it’s maturity. Tawwab calls time the boundary people struggle with most, tying it to modern culture’s obsession with productivity.

Through these six domains, the author builds a toolkit that applies in every relationship. Physical keeps you safe, emotional keeps you sane, and time keeps you sovereign. Boundaries are not uniform walls but adaptive agreements that evolve alongside your relationships, showing both you and others how to coexist peacefully.

Not all boundary breaches are equal. Tawwab distinguishes “little b” microaggressions—subtle violations—from “big B” macroaggressions that erode entire relationships. These range from workplace gossip to emotional manipulation. Recognizing both helps you respond proportionately instead of overreacting or ignoring issues until they explode.

Micro Violations

Micro violations include oversharing, guilt-tripping, unsolicited advice, and passive-aggressive behavior. Jamie’s boyfriend exemplifies these with his silent treatment and mixed messages—classic examples of emotional manipulation. Tawwab’s toolkit: name the behavior (“You’re testing my limits”), express your feelings, and restate your boundary. These micro-moments accumulate stress if ignored, so immediate correction preserves peace.

Macro Violations

Macro violations include enmeshment, codependency, trauma bonding, and counterdependency—the patterns that define dysfunctional relationships. She shows how rescue-minded people confuse helping with fixing, a trap mirrored in shows like Intervention. True help teaches autonomy; false help reinforces dependency. Likewise, trauma bonds tie victims to abusers through cycles of harm and affection, while counterdependency cloaks fear of closeness behind independence.

Learning to spot these patterns turns pain into clarity. In Tawwab’s framework, boundaries don’t just prevent drama—they diagnose dysfunction. Once identified, you can choose between reforming the relationship or letting it go. “People treat you according to your boundaries,” she warns, and no insight may be more liberating than that.

The final transformation in Tawwab’s book flips the lens inward. Before anyone else can respect your boundaries, she says, you must respect them yourself. This section moves from external relationships to self-regulation—how you spend, think, react, and rest. Through Kyle’s story, a chronic overspender who rewards himself into debt, she illustrates what it means to violate boundaries with yourself.

Self-Boundaries Explained

Self-boundaries manifest through finances, time management, self-care, emotional reactions, and the people you allow into your life. For finances: stop loaning money you can’t afford to lose, create a budget, and save before spending. For time: check your calendar before agreeing to anything. For self-care: choose rest before rescue. “The ability to say no to yourself,” Tawwab writes, “is a gift.”

Protecting Your Energy

She urges readers to treat emotional energy as currency. Don’t spend it on gossip, guilt, or overcommitment. Mantras like “I did my best” and “It will be okay” help counter toxic self-talk. Just as you’d stop others from insulting you, stop insulting yourself. This alignment between inner dialogue and outer action forms the foundation of integrity.

Self-Sabotage and People-Pleasing

When you ignore your own needs, you engage in self-sabotage—quitting goals, procrastinating, and betraying values to please others. Tawwab reframes these not as failures but as signs you’ve abandoned boundaries. Her solution is simple: consistency. Recommit each time you slip. As James Clear puts it, “You are what you repeatedly do.” Similarly, Tawwab reminds you: “If you’ve labeled yourself as a person who can’t stick to things, you will be that person. Change your narrative.”

In the end, honoring your boundaries—both with others and with yourself—is the path to peace. It’s not about perfection; it’s about persistence. Each time you say no without apology, you reinforce the truth that peace isn’t passive—it’s practiced, one boundary at a time.