Selfish Reasons to Have More Kids

Have you ever felt torn between the joy of raising children and the fear of losing control over your own life? In Selfish Reasons to Have More Kids, economist and behavioral scientist Bryan Caplan challenges the modern narrative that parenthood is a joyless grind of sacrifice and sleepless nights. He argues that not only is parenting less powerful in shaping a child's destiny than we assume, but that less effortful parenting can actually make both parents and children happier. If you embrace evidence from behavioral genetics and adjust your expectations, you might even discover that having more children enriches your life rather than overwhelms it.

Caplan’s thesis turns the guilt-driven message of modern parenting manuals on its head. He suggests that parents’ obsession with control—the constant micromanaging, supervising, and anxiety over every decision—is misguided. Drawing from twin and adoption studies, he confidently declares that nurture matters far less than nature in determining how children turn out. Most of what makes your children who they are comes from their genetics and their own choices, not your parenting style. The upshot? Relaxation is not neglect—it’s rational.

Rethinking the “Parenting Trap”

Modern parents, Caplan points out, are working harder than ever. Time diaries show that mothers today spend more hours on childcare than mothers in the 1960s, even though most now have outside jobs. Fathers have doubled their effort too. Yet despite this unprecedented devotion, surveys reveal that parents today are only slightly less happy than the child-free. Why the mismatch? Because Today’s Typical Parents are trying to live up to unsustainably high standards. They treat parenting like a professional competition rather than an experience to enjoy.

Caplan invites you to imagine a simpler model. Instead of seeing kids as clay to be molded, picture them as flexible plastic—resilient yet naturally inclined toward their inherited tendencies. Push too hard, and they may temporarily comply; relax, and they’ll bounce back to who they are meant to be. The illusion of control is powerful, but destructive. He urges parents to see through it, ease up on themselves, and reclaim both joy and sanity.

The Science Behind “Relaxed Parenting”

At the book’s core is a sweeping review of behavioral genetics research—particularly twin and adoption studies—which separates genetic influences from environmental ones. Decades of research show that twins raised apart tend to resemble one another as adults just as much as twins raised together. Adopted children, who share their parents’ environment but not their genes, display little resemblance to their adoptive families in intelligence, personality, or long-run success. Over time, early differences fade. Caplan calls this process “fade-out”: parents can influence short-term behavior, but long-term outcomes regress toward the genetic mean. An adopted child raised by Nobel laureates will likely grow up smarter than most, but not much smarter than her biological peers.

This doesn’t mean parents don’t matter at all. They shape how children feel about them—the affection, respect, and memories that last a lifetime. But you can’t engineer a child’s intellect or happiness through excessive effort. The best parenting, he argues, recognizes the limits of control and replaces perfectionism with presence.

From Fear to Freedom: Kids Are Safer Than Ever

Caplan uses hard data to confront what he calls “the parental anxiety epidemic.” Contrary to the sensationalism of media headlines, he shows that children today are five times safer than they were in the so-called “idyllic” 1950s. Child mortality, kidnapping, and even violent crime have all plummeted, largely thanks to medical progress and public safety innovations. Yet parents fret more than ever, curtailing freedom and fun in the name of protection. Caplan argues that anxiety, not danger, has become the real parental hazard.

Drawing inspiration from Lenore Skenazy’s Free-Range Kids, he encourages parents to practice prudence, not paranoia. Expose yourself gradually to your fears—let children walk to school, stay home alone, or even explore the neighborhood unsupervised. The goal isn’t recklessness but a balanced confidence in the real (and very low) risks of modern childhood.

Why Selfishness Can Be a Force for Good

Caplan’s provocative use of the word “selfish” isn’t a license for neglect—it’s a correction against unhealthy martyrdom. He reminds readers that “parents count too.” If you neglect your own happiness, you transmit stress, not virtue. “Secondhand stress,” he writes, can be as toxic as secondhand smoke. Children want parents who are calm and loving, not exhausted and irritable. Relaxation, delegation, outsourcing chores, and even screen time aren’t moral failings—they’re pragmatic tools for preserving harmony. A happier home isn’t just better for you—it’s better for your kids.

A New Deal for Families

Ultimately, Caplan invites parents to strike a new balance between effort and enjoyment, between freedom and control. If you loosen your grip, recognize that genetics shoulders much of the developmental work, and stop tormenting yourself with guilt, you may realize that children are a better bargain than you thought. And if parenting takes less work than you feared, why not “stock up”? In a world obsessed with doing less for more gain, few investments promise as rich a return on happiness as one more child.

Key Message

You don’t need to be a perfect parent—you just need to be a happy one. Relax, enjoy your children for who they already are, and you might rediscover the fun in family life. According to Caplan, it’s not only morally acceptable to take it easy—it’s scientifically sound and psychologically wise.

Caplan’s boldest argument begins with an uncomfortable truth: the evidence from behavioral genetics overwhelmingly shows that parents have limited power to shape their children’s destiny. The nature–nurture debate is no longer philosophy—it’s science. Twin and adoption studies consistently show that heredity explains most family resemblance in traits like intelligence, personality, and long-term success. Upbringing matters, but mostly in the short term or on the emotional level.

The Power of Genes—and the Myth of Parental Determinism

Caplan uses studies of twins who grew up apart to illustrate the point. Identical twins separated at birth often grow up to be strikingly similar—in IQ, temperament, even political views—despite never meeting. In contrast, adopted siblings raised under the same roof show little long-term similarity. Decades later, these findings reveal a profound message: Parenting style doesn’t mold identity—it decorates it temporarily.

Parents can influence children as they might bend a plant toward the sun, but genetics provides the trunk and shape. Caplan invites parents to imagine two babies—one genetically inclined to be conscientious, the other rebellious. Nurture can nudge, but it cannot rewrite DNA.

Short-Term Wins, Long-Term Fade-Out

Parents can indeed change behavior—but only for a while. A child scolded for bad manners might improve next week, only to lapse later. Psychologists call this “fade-out”: the natural tendency for parental influence to weaken as independence grows. Caplan draws on data from IQ, income, and social behavior studies showing that parenting effects evident in childhood usually vanish by adulthood. The Colorado Adoption Project and Swedish twin research both found that at age twelve, adopted children’s IQ matched their birth parents, not their adoptive ones.

What Parents Still Control

Parents’ enduring legacy isn’t cognitive or economic—it’s emotional memory. Children remember how they were treated. Studies Caplan cites show moderate parental effects on how warmly or coldly adult children remember their upbringing. This is why he insists that kindness and respect are essential virtues for parents even if academic tutoring or forced piano lessons are not. Your children may forget your discipline strategies, but they will never forget whether you treated them with love.

The paradox? Letting go of control frees you to focus on the things that truly last—loving relationships and shared joy—rather than futile attempts to program perfection.

Caplan’s message to modern parents is simple but radical: stop worrying so much, stop doing so much, and your children will still turn out just fine. If behavioral genetics proves that intense parenting doesn’t shape outcomes, guilt-driven self-sacrifice makes little sense. He argues that happy parents are better parents, and that most of what we call “good parenting” is unnecessary overwork.

Undoing the Cult of Overparenting

From “helicopter parenting” to the fear of missing out on enrichment, Caplan notes that many parents treat childrearing like a moral endurance test. But in reality, parenthood doesn’t have to be penance. He encourages readers to embrace “reasonable expectations.” If your standards for success fall within the realm of what most normal American families do, your kids will thrive. The key phrase: “If your parenting style passes the laugh test, you’re good enough.”

Four Areas to Simplify

• Sleep: Don’t martyr yourself to night-time drama. Use proven strategies like the Ferber method or “systematic ignoring,” which allow both child and parent to rest. Naps aren’t just for toddlers—they’re survival tools for adults too.
• Activities: Caplan exposes the absurdity of overscheduling kids. If neither parent nor child enjoys a class, drop it. Playtime and cartoons can nourish the soul as much as piano lessons. (He humorously champions letting kids watch The Simpsons—a badge of his own balanced approach.)
• Discipline: Stop letting guilt paralyze you. Discipline isn’t about “what’s best for the child” so much as protecting parents’ well-being. Clear rules and mild, consistent consequences (“time-outs,” not yelling) create peace for everyone.
• Supervision: Resist the fear-driven urge to watch your kids every second. Children benefit from independence and free play. Quoting journalist Lenore Skenazy, Caplan wryly suggests that parents should “be the worst mom in America” and let their kids ride the subway.

Throw Money at Your Problems

When stress peaks, Caplan advises using money as a happiness tool. Think babysitters, takeout dinners, and cleaning services. Outsourcing isn’t indulgent—it’s strategic self-care. Data backs this up: richer parents express less regret about having kids, likely because they outsource the worst chores. “Money can buy happiness if you spend it the right way,” he insists.

Parenting is graded pass/fail. You pass if your kids grow up safe, happy, and decent. There’s no extra credit for exhaustion.

Why do so many parents lie awake imagining kidnappers, drunk drivers, or razor-blade apples? Caplan tracks the epidemic of parental fear to one culprit: a distorted perception of risk. The media profits from exaggerating every rare tragedy, convincing parents that the world has grown exponentially more dangerous. The truth is the opposite—modern life is the safest environment children have ever known.

The Numbers Don’t Lie

Caplan cites mortality data showing that children under five today are five times safer than in 1950. rates of disease, accidents, and violent crime have plummeted; child kidnapping is statistically rarer than being struck by lightning. He references studies revealing that only about 115 “stereotypical kidnappings” (by strangers, long-distance abductions) occur per year in the entire U.S. Parents who panic about abduction, he argues, are reacting to stories rather than numbers.

From Paranoia to Prudence

To cure irrational fear, Caplan recommends applying exposure therapy to parenting: gradually face what scares you by leaving your kids alone for short periods, allowing independence to grow. Trying to eliminate every risk, he warns, only creates misery and anxiety. The wise approach is to distinguish between real and imagined threats. Prudence protects children; paranoia imprisons them.

He humorously skewers urban legends like poisoned Halloween candy—no child has ever died from it. In this context, caving to fear robs kids of essential experiences and deprives parents of rest. “If your children are almost five times safer than you were, you should sleep well,” Caplan says. “We’re living in a golden age of safety.”

Once parents realize that intense effort doesn’t make children turn out better, family planning changes fundamentally. Caplan notes that parents base fertility decisions on false assumptions about how exhausting parenting must be. If childrearing is less costly, both emotionally and physically, then one more child is not the burden it seems—it’s often a bargain. Hence his provocative conclusion: once you learn to parent for your own happiness, you’ll want more kids.

The Happiness Math

Data show that every additional child slightly decreases parents’ happiness—but only by about one percentage point. The biggest dip occurs with the first child (a 5.6% happiness drop); after that, more children barely register. Meanwhile, parenthood yields enormous long-term joy: most parents say they would do it all over again, and two-thirds of childless adults later regret not having kids. When you weigh mild short-term stress against lifetime satisfaction, the equation favors family growth.

How to Buy Children at an “Effort Discount”

Caplan quips that most couples “buy” kids at full price because they parent like masochists. But by adopting his relaxed philosophy—fewer structured activities, less guilt, more outsourcing—you can get children “on sale.” Your happiness rises because your standards fall back to sanity. This newfound equilibrium not only makes parenting sustainable but also reawakens the sense of fun that motivated you to start a family in the first place.

As Caplan puts it, “Parents count too. You can have an independent life and still be an admirable parent.”

If you’ve ever wondered whether having another baby is bad for the planet or society, Caplan flips that assumption: more kids are not just good for parents but also for humanity. Self-interest and altruism, he argues, often point in the same direction.

Population and Progress

Caplan channels economist Julian Simon’s idea of people as “the ultimate resource.” Every additional human being expands the stock of creativity, innovation, and problem-solving capacity. From Edison to Gates, progress flows from imagination—and imagination comes from people. Far from dooming us to scarcity, population growth historically coincides with prosperity. More people mean more ideas, more cooperation, and richer cultural choices.

Debunking the Overpopulation Myth

Responding to environmental pessimists like Paul Ehrlich, Caplan points to falling commodity prices, cleaner air and water, and technological improvements as proof that more population doesn’t equal environmental ruin. Instead of sterilizing ourselves out of fear, we should fix specific problems—like emissions—through smarter incentives, not fewer births. More thoughtful people, he insists, are exactly what the world needs.

The Moral Perspective

Finally, Caplan reminds us that birth itself is a gift. As he puts it, “At least one person benefits tremendously from every birth—the new baby.” Unless a future life would clearly be worse than death, creating it is an act of generosity, not selfishness. His conclusion: have another child, not out of guilt or duty, but because doing so makes your life and the world better.