Parenting

How can you raise children who not only respect you but genuinely want to be with you once they’re grown? In Parenting: Getting It Right, Andy and Sandra Stanley argue that parenting succeeds when it produces healthy, lasting, and mutually enjoyable relationships. The Stanleys contend that most parents are so preoccupied with managing behavior and surviving daily challenges that they fail to define what “getting it right” actually means. Their message is simple but revolutionary: parenting is not just about raising compliant children—it’s about raising future adults who enjoy being with you and with each other even when they no longer have to be.

This relational focus becomes the book’s north star, shaping everything from discipline and scheduling to marriage priorities and spiritual formation. The Stanleys remind parents that direction determines destination—if you don’t consciously choose your parenting direction, cultural pressures and daily chaos will choose it for you. To ‘get it right,’ they suggest clarifying your end goal, understanding the seasons of parenting, focusing on relationships over control, and aligning marriage and faith around that vision.

Defining the Parenting Win

For Andy and Sandra, the ultimate win is not having obedient, high-achieving, or financially secure children—it’s nurturing kids who love being part of the family long after childhood. They discovered this when Andy was struck by how relaxed and connected Sandra’s extended family was. He realized that what he wanted most wasn’t success by external standards but relationships that lasted into adulthood. Their goal—“kids who enjoy being with us and with each other even when they no longer have to be”—became the compass for every decision.

Seen this way, parenting isn’t a test you can cram for (as with exams); it’s a harvest that comes from years of sowing in the right direction. The seeds are relational: integrity, empathy, respect, and emotional connection. And if you prioritize relationships early, the harvest is mutual delight later—a family that genuinely likes being together. It’s a practical application of what psychologists like Dr. John Gottman and Brené Brown also emphasize: connection and trust are the foundation of every thriving relationship, even more than control or performance.

Direction Determines Destination

Andy draws from his famous teaching principle—“direction, not intention, determines destination.” Every family is heading somewhere, consciously or not. Without a clear end goal, you risk raising children who behave well but disengage as soon as they can. Our schedules, parenting tone, and discipline approaches all push kids in a direction. The Stanleys challenge you to name your intended destination and parent toward it on purpose. If your purpose isn’t clear, you may one day realize you “parented in the wrong direction.”

This means rejecting quick fixes, fear-based approaches, or cultural checklists about success. Parenting “on purpose” means taking responsibility for your emotional tone, modeling the values you want, and realizing that compliance now doesn’t guarantee connection later. As Andy warns: “It’s possible to have well-behaved children who don’t want to be around you once they’re old enough to choose.”

Parenting Is a Relationship of Unequal Roles

A recurring insight is that parents and children are not in the same kind of relationship. The adult must remain the leader, guide, and secure base. You shouldn’t argue with your kids because arguments are for peers, and you’re not a peer—you’re the parent. Maintaining that role isn’t about exerting control but about providing safety and stability. As the Stanleys put it, “Your children do not have the same relationship with you that you have with them.” This guiding truth anchors their approach through every season of parenting.

A Relational Legacy

Ultimately, this book is about legacy—not just what your children achieve, but who they become in relationships. Every lesson about obedience, honesty, boundaries, or faith flows from this north star. The Stanleys’ approach combines Christian principles, developmental psychology, and lived experience to show that long-term relational health is both the best measure and the best gift of parenting done right.

Across the following ideas, you’ll discover how they turn this philosophy into practice: the four stages of parenting, relationship-based discipline, intentional scheduling, marriage as the foundation, and nurturing faith without control. Each idea builds on the previous one, forming a full blueprint for “getting it right”—not by being perfect, but by parenting with your future relationship in mind.

Sandra Stanley introduces the four stages of parenting as the key to adapting your approach over time instead of getting stuck in a style that no longer fits. Children evolve—so must parents. The stages are: the Discipline Years (ages 0–5), the Training Years (5–12), the Coaching Years (12–18), and the Friendship Years (adulthood). Each requires a deliberate shift in tone, authority, and goals. Parents who fail to transition risk either clinging to control or losing influence altogether.

The Discipline Years: Establishing Consequences

In early childhood, your primary job is to teach that actions have consequences. Sandra likens this to “strengthening the obedience muscle.” Using consistent and immediate consequences helps children connect cause and effect before the stakes are high. The Stanleys avoided counting or inconsistent threats—they expected first-time obedience because safety and trust depend on it. Discipline isn’t anger-driven; it’s clarity-driven. Discipline early, and correction later becomes much easier.

The Training Years: Cultivating Skills and Understanding

During this stage, you move from simply requiring obedience to explaining the “why” behind expectations. The Stanleys turned everyday behavior into practice drills—everything from table manners to greetings. Like athletes on a team, children need repetition and context to internalize good habits. They taught social graces as forms of honoring others, showing that character and respect are relational—values that later expand into maturity and empathy.

The Coaching Years: Connection Over Correction

As kids become teens, parents must step back to coach rather than command. Sandra shares honest examples from her own family: a moody son, a frustrated teen, and a tearful daughter. Coaching means creating space for conversation, letting kids fail safely, and maintaining openness. Your role becomes less about enforcement and more about mentorship and influence—a principle echoed by family psychologists like Dr. Ken Ginsburg (author of Building Resilience in Children and Teens).

The Stanleys’ motto in this phase is “cultivate conversation, don’t bail—let them fail, and get interested in what interests them.” Teens stop talking when you overreact, so learning to listen without freaking out becomes the secret superpower of connection. Letting them experience consequences now prevents bigger crashes later.

The Friendship Years: Reaping the Reward

When your kids reach adulthood, friendship replaces authority. If you’ve done the earlier seasons well, this becomes a joy-filled stage of mutual respect. The Stanleys call this their reward—they genuinely like their fully-grown kids, who enjoy being with each other too. But friendship too early cheapens this outcome; it must be earned after years of coaching and trust-building. The relational foundation you laid in earlier stages determines whether friendship later feels natural or forced.

Andy Stanley revises the very idea of discipline. For many parents, punishment equals payback—'If you disobey, I’ll make you regret it.’ But true discipline, he says, is about restoration. The goal isn’t compliance but reconnection. The difference? Punishment makes a child careful. Discipline makes them better. It teaches relational repair—an essential life skill most adults still lack.

From “Oh No” to Restoration

Stanley introduces a game-changing idea called the “Oh no!” posture. When your child messes up, respond with empathy instead of anger: “Oh no! I hate that for you.” This keeps you on the same team instead of pitting you against your child. It also buys time for creativity rather than knee-jerk punishment. It mirrors the parental compassion of God—firm yet restorative—making discipline a relational bridge, not a wall.

Teaching Confession and Restitution

Real discipline, according to the Stanleys, requires two actions from the child: confession and restitution. Kids learn not only to say, “I’m sorry,” but to ask, “What can I do to make it up to you?” When their sons were disrespectful to a babysitter, Sandra had them buy flowers, write letters, and apologize face-to-face. That uncomfortable act did more than any timeout could. They learned the value of restoring a broken relationship—a skill that later benefited every friendship and marriage they entered.

Parenting for “Later Is Longer”

Andy repeatedly reminds us that parenting isn’t about winning the current battle—it’s about winning the war for long-term relationship. “Later is longer,” he says. The discipline you apply today determines the adult relationship you’ll enjoy tomorrow. Be willing to let kids “hate you now” if it means they’ll love you later. Discipline with your future dinner table in mind; that’s parenting with the end game at heart.

Their approach echoes Dr. Daniel Siegel’s concept of “connection before correction.” When discipline preserves attachment, children internalize lessons faster and grow emotionally stronger. You’re teaching them how to make things right—not how to hide mistakes. That’s not just good parenting; that’s spiritual formation in disguise.

Sandra Stanley describes schedule management as one of the most powerful parenting tools—and one of the easiest to get wrong. In their early years, as Andy was planting North Point Community Church while Sandra raised three small children, they hit a crisis point of exhaustion. Their solution became the heart of this chapter: we must love our family on our calendar.

Time Is the Currency of Love

Saying 'I love my family' means little if your schedule doesn’t reflect it. “You love them in your heart, but they can’t see your heart,” Andy once told an executive. “You have to love them on your calendar.” Time spent together signals value—especially to children, for whom attention equals affirmation. Family dinners, game nights, bedtime talks—these are small but cumulative deposits that build lifelong trust and belonging.

Say No for Now, Not Forever

Sandra offers empowering advice for overwhelmed parents: learn to say 'no for now, not forever.' During intense seasons with young kids, she declined speaking gigs and ministry projects despite pressure to say yes. It seemed like sacrifice, but she reframed it as investment. Opportunities come back; lost family time doesn’t. This mantra encouraged other women to set healthy priorities without guilt—a message echoed by Greg McKeown in Essentialism.

Cumulative Value Over Time

The Stanleys remind us of a key truth: “There is cumulative value to little deposits of time made consistently over a long period of time.” Whether it’s family dinners, weekly walks, or bedtime talks, consistency matters more than grandeur. You can miss one night with no harm, but skip a hundred and you lose relational equity. The same principle powers finance or fitness—it’s about habits that build slow gains. Over two decades of nightly dinners, they built a rhythm that outlasted busyness and stress.

When Andy decided to leave his church office daily at 4 p.m., he risked criticism and lost opportunities—but gained presence at home. His reasoning: others could do his job, but no one else could be husband and dad. Years later, he calls it one of the most important decisions of his career and marriage—a decision that served their 'north star' of relationships first.

This idea undergirds the whole Stanley household: build your family culture around honor and honesty. Sandra’s father, a Marine lieutenant colonel, modeled it, and the Stanleys made it their own two-rule system: 'Honor your mother' and 'Don’t tell a lie.' Everything else, they say, cascades from these two values.

Honor as the Keystone Rule

Teaching kids to honor their mother sets the emotional climate. It’s not about ego—it’s relational structure. When children learn to respect one person deeply, that respect extends outward to teachers, friends, and eventually spouses. Simple rituals—like standing behind chairs until Mom and sister sit at dinner—trained their boys to defer and respect. The ripple effect even shaped Allie’s dating expectations: years of being honored made her uncomfortable with anything less. Honor, they discovered, is caught through repetition, not merely taught by talk.

Honesty Protects Relationship

Their second rule—“The worst thing you can do is tell a lie”—was equally relational. Lies break trust, and trust breaks relationship. Instead of moralizing, they explained that integrity preserves connection. To help kids tell the truth, they prefaced tough questions with empathy: “You may be tempted to lie, but our relationship is too important for that.” This reduced fear and encouraged honesty. As Andy notes, 'Honesty is a muscle. The more you coax it, the stronger it gets.' The goal wasn’t punishment but training in courage and transparency.

These keystone rules made hundreds of smaller ones unnecessary. They created a moral ecosystem where children learned that respect and truth aren’t control mechanisms—they’re the building blocks of trust.

Few chapters hit as close to home as Andy’s on words. He insists that words are never neutral. In parenting, what you say—and what you fail to say—can shape your child’s self-concept, faith, and confidence for life. “Actions speak louder than words,” we say. Andy disagrees: “In parenting, words are abnormally loud.”

Three Laws of Parental Communication

• Words aren’t equally weighted. Negative words outweigh positive ones drastically. The more critical your tone, the more affirmation you must offer to restore balance.
• Source determines weight. A father’s or mother’s words carry far more influence than peers’ or teachers’. Andy notes that even adult children crave a parent’s appreciation; silence leaves wounds that never fade.
• Intent is irrelevant. You may not mean to wound, but pain still lands. Apologies can heal, but only patience repairs trust. Don’t expect instant recovery after hurtful words.

To avoid emotional damage, Andy advocates creating a sarcasm-free zone. Sarcasm is emotional laziness—it sounds playful to you but feels humiliating to a child. Humor that lands at your child’s expense undermines safety. Likewise, tone and volume matter. A raised voice signals danger to the brain, triggering fight, flight, or freeze. Reserve yelling for emergencies only, not frustration.

Earn Influence Through Respect

When you control your tone, you maintain influence. By middle school, parents no longer command obedience—they rely on respect. Children listen to those they respect, not those who dominate. This theme echoes Stephen Covey’s teaching in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families: relationships thrive on emotional deposits, not withdrawals. For the Stanleys, kind and honest speech wasn’t about being gentle; it was about keeping the door of influence wide open long after authority fades.

Sandra devotes an entire chapter to reminding couples that the best parenting strategy is a healthy marriage. Parental relationships form the emotional baseline for kids—their primary classroom for love, conflict, and security. “Your marriage will be part of your children’s story,” she writes. “So make it a story worth telling.”

Prioritize Each Other

Children join an existing family—they don’t create it. So protect your spouse before protecting your schedule. When Andy once saw a couple sitting apart in church, wife in the back seat with the baby, he asked Sandra never to do that. It symbolized a subtle but dangerous shift of priority. Throughout decades of ministry, they budgeted for date nights, weekend getaways, and couples’ small groups—not luxuries, but lifelines. “You have to love your marriage on your calendar,” Sandra jokes, echoing Andy’s earlier line about parenting.

Be a Student and a Cheerleader

Study your spouse’s needs and love languages, she says. If words affirm, say them often; if service matters, pick up a chore. Compliment publicly, not just privately. And never appoint yourself your spouse’s critic—be their loudest fan. Simple habits like expressing gratitude, showing excitement when they walk in, and practicing the “aah factor” (lighting up when they enter the room) create warmth everyone feels, especially the kids.

Marriage doesn’t have to be perfect to be powerful. What matters most is its emotional honesty and mutual respect. When kids see parents cheer for each other, they learn emotional safety. When they see parents fight fair and forgive quickly, they learn resilience. Marriage health is not just adult fulfillment—it’s generational groundwork.

Spiritual formation, Andy insists, isn’t about forcing kids to know Bible facts—it’s about helping them develop a faith of their own. He contrasts “heaven-someday faith,” where parents push kids to perform religious rituals, with relational, everyday faith that sustains under pressure. The win is not compliance with rules but an ongoing relationship with God that mirrors trust at home.

Five Practices That Build Enduring Faith

• Emphasize a personal relationship with God: teach kids to pray “Show me your will for my life” early, helping them see faith as dialogue, not doctrine.
• Teach them to guard their hearts: check-ins at bedtime (“Is everything okay in your heart?”) helped the Stanleys’ children name emotions before they hardened into habits.
• Pray together in every season: their “stair prayer” ritual kept family faith authentic, fun, and routine.
• Be transparent about your own journey: confess your struggles so kids see what it looks like to live out faith in real life.
• Keep them engaged in healthy church community: find a church they love, not one they have to endure.

Sandra adds practical tips in the appendix: model personal devotion, encourage rather than nag, and make faith easy by providing age-appropriate materials like journals or Bibles. Bribing to spark habits is fine, she says with humor: “Bribes are inspiring!” The point is to help kids discover faith as their own adventure, not just parental expectation.

By rooting faith in relationship and freedom, the Stanleys ensure that when doubts come—as they did for their son Andrew—it’s not catastrophic. You can guide children back, not through fear, but through love, patience, and example. Faith, like parenting, grows best when relational soil is rich.

The book ends with a profound challenge: what do you do when your child drifts from faith, morality, or family values? Andy’s answer: keep your side of the bridge down. Don’t let your beliefs destroy your bond. When his son Andrew lost faith at seven, Andy asked questions calmly, didn’t panic, and said, “That’s okay. Let’s talk when you’re ready.” Months later, Andrew’s trust—and faith—returned naturally. That trust was born not of control, but conversation.

Faith Without Fear

If an older child rejects your beliefs, resist converting into preacher or prosecutor. They already know what you believe; what you must now show is love. Jesus, Andy reminds us, never let his beliefs separate him from people. He kept relational bridges down even when others walked away. To parent like Jesus is to prioritize unconditional presence over positional rightness. Let divine patience outshine doctrinal panic.

From Bible-Based to Jesus-Centered Parenting

Perhaps Andy’s most controversial insight is that Christian parents shouldn’t base their approach merely on 'the Bible says,' but on the way Jesus lived. Jesus reduced hundreds of laws into one unifying command: love one another as I have loved you. The Stanleys call this the grid through which every parenting choice passes. Discipline, conversation, boundaries, forgiveness—all should echo that others-first love. If your version of faith compromises love, you have the wrong version.

Eventually, Andy told his kids, “If you walk away from faith, I’m going with you.” It was his way of saying, “My relationship with you is more important than agreement.” That’s not permissiveness—it’s parental grace, mirroring how God never detaches even when we wander. In the end, the gospel that changed the world—love that never lets go—is also the gospel that keeps families together. That’s it.