More Than Two

How can you love more than one person without betrayal or chaos? In More Than Two, Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert argue that polyamory is not an excuse for indulgence but a deliberate ethical practice—a way to build loving, consensual relationships among multiple partners rooted in honesty, agency, and compassion. They contend that multiple loves can coexist if you learn to balance freedom with responsibility, clarity with kindness, and self-awareness with communication.

Polyamory, they write, isn’t a single format but a living mosaic. Some people form cohabiting families; others prefer independence; some prioritize deep networks of mutual care. Whatever your form, the defining principle is consent and full knowledge—everyone affected should have the power to choose freely. What separates ethical polyamory from chaos is not a system of rules but the courage to act with integrity.

Love as a lived design

The book begins by showing polyamory’s many looks: vees, triads, quads, solo poly, polyfidelity, and open networks. Will, Rachel, and Arnold share a home and vacations; Eliza, Kyle, and Melody sustain a long-distance triad. You won’t find templates to copy, only questions to guide design—Who lives together? Who shares finances? Who co-parents? Polyamory asks you to choose the structure that fits your life, not the one that fits cultural scripts.

The moral foundation

Ethics are the scaffold of the entire book. The authors offer two axioms: people matter more than relationships, and never treat people as things. That means valuing agency over comfort and truth over control. They expand this into a Relationship Bill of Rights: freedom from coercion, the right to revoke consent, to be told the truth, to choose partners, and to renegotiate as life changes. Ethics here are experiential—less about doctrine, more about consequences. Franklin calls this evidence-based polyamory: observe what works, discard what harms, and adjust with humility.

Inner readiness and self-work

The authors argue that successful polyamory starts within. Before building networks, you must cultivate worthiness, courage, and self-knowledge. Eve’s turning point—learning she could feel worthy without external approval—illustrates that emotional security precedes compassionate partnership. Courage is practiced daily: speaking a hard truth, surviving jealousy, or standing in emotional storms. Self-growth becomes the invisible infrastructure beneath every ethical choice.

Communication and comprehension

Polyamory multiplies communication challenges—so clarity and listening become critical skills. The authors warn against vague words ('respect,' 'fair'), against passive hinting, and against storytelling that substitutes assumptions for facts. Their practical tools—active listening, curiosity questions, nonviolent communication—transform conflicts into opportunities for understanding. Instead of asking your metamour’s motives from someone else, ask directly; instead of hinting, speak plainly. Communication, done well, is polyamory’s heartbeat.

Jealousy and emotional literacy

Jealousy is not sin—it is signal. The book teaches you to decode rather than suppress it. Fear of exclusion or inadequacy often hides under anger or envy. The authors propose five steps: accept the feeling, differentiate triggers, name underlying needs, communicate them, and build inner security. Jealousy becomes your teacher, pointing to growth areas instead of dictating prohibitions. As Franklin’s story of Ruby shows, unchecked jealousy can destroy connection, while examined jealousy can transform it.

Agreements and flexibility

One of polyamory’s hardest lessons is learning the difference between boundaries, agreements, and rules. Boundaries protect what you own—your body, your time, your safety. Agreements are negotiated covenants where everyone affected has a voice. Rules, when used to control others, often fail. The authors’ image of the passport courtyard—people sit on a wall marked 'Do not sit' because what they need is rest—reminds you to meet needs, not restrict behavior. Build benches (agreements that support needs), not walls (rules that forbid life).

Power and hierarchy

Poly strives for equality, yet hierarchy and veto power often creep in. The authors dissect those dynamics: when one relationship controls another, dignity erodes. Franklin’s marriage with Celeste—ending Elaine’s relationship through veto—is the cautionary tale. They advocate empowered alternatives: consultation instead of prohibition, renegotiation instead of decree. Hierarchy may feel safe short-term, but its ethical cost is steep.

Time and choices

Managing time among partners demands agency. The pivot—the person at the center of multiple connections—must own decisions rather than bounce between partners. Fairness means compassion, not equality of minutes. The metaphor of grapes and cucumbers reminds you that jealousy about 'fun time' hides deeper needs for recognition. Own your choices, communicate intentions, and carve space for rest and autonomy.

Sexual ethics and health

Polyamory turns sexual transparency into collective responsibility. The authors explain definitions of sex, fluid bonding, testing, and risk management. Physical acts carry emotional meaning—unbarriered sex can equal intimacy for one, casualness for another. Clarity prevents harm. The book insists on regular STI testing, vaccination, and nonjudgmental openness: monogamy isn’t automatically safe, while shame makes everyone vulnerable.

Community and metamours

Polyamory flourishes in networks. Metamours—your partners’ partners—can become allies or adversaries depending on respect and boundaries. The etiquette: communicate directly, abstain from spying or gossip, and act as an attenuator, not amplifier, in conflicts. When metamours cooperate, the polycule feels like a chosen family; when they compete, even stable relationships fray. You can choose to foster community rather than comparison.

Embracing change and closure

Relationships evolve; endings aren’t failures. The authors redefine success as mutual growth. Poly breakups ripple through networks, but you can manage them with clarity and compassion. Coming out to family or building supportive community demands courage akin to love itself. More Than Two closes with a simple truth: ethical non-monogamy isn’t about having more partners—it’s about creating more space for honesty, choice, and love in your life.

Consent, honesty, and agency form the moral spine of More Than Two. Polyamory magnifies ethical stakes because each decision affects many lives. Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert declare: people matter more than structures, and no pursuit of stability should sacrifice a person’s dignity. Living by these principles transforms relationships from transactional networks into freely chosen acts of trust.

Informed and active consent

Consent means voluntary agreement built on honesty. Silence, omission, or partial truths invalidate it. If you hide unprotected sex with another partner, you’ve altered others’ risk without their knowledge—a breach of informed choice. Consent also includes the right to withdraw; you can change your mind, and others must respect that without retaliation. The authors treat consent as a living process, not a checkbox.

Agency and equality

Agency is the ability to choose your own path. Polyamory demands distributed power—every person involved can speak, decide, and renegotiate. Franklin’s warning about hierarchical vetoes (Celeste ending Elaine’s relationship unilaterally) exemplifies lost agency. The healthier model is consultative: listen, discuss, and co-create agreements where all voices matter equally.

The Relationship Bill of Rights

This list codifies expected freedoms: to be free from coercion, to set boundaries, to make mistakes, to end relationships, and to be treated as peers rather than subordinates. These rights echo human-rights thinking applied to intimacy. Keep them visible—they remind you that love cannot ethically exist without respect.

Core principle

When a rule or hierarchy suppresses someone’s freedom to choose, it ceases to be ethical—no matter how kindly justified.

Living ethically means asking hard questions: Have I disclosed what others need to know? Am I choosing for myself or dictating others’ choices? Does this decision align with compassion? When you treat people as full agents, polyamory stops being theory and becomes moral practice.

Confusion about boundaries and rules fuels many poly conflicts. The authors disentangle these concepts: boundaries govern your body and time; agreements are co-created commitments; rules are rigid prohibitions that often mask fear. An ethical framework focuses on respecting autonomy while responding to real needs.

Boundaries: personal sovereignty

You own your space and body. Saying “I won’t have unprotected sex unless disclosed” or “I need private nights” are acts of self-care, not control. Healthy boundaries clarify responsibility—you control your own behavior, not your partner’s.

Agreements: collaborative design

Agreements emerge from negotiation among everyone affected. They require clear intent, sunset clauses, and regular renegotiation. The authors’ metaphor of the 'bench versus wall' shows the point: meet underlying needs (comfort, safety) rather than banning actions. Clarity and flexibility keep agreements alive as circumstances evolve.

Rules: coercive pitfalls

Rules often arise from insecurity disguised as safety—'you must never stay overnight' or 'love us equally.' These mandates replace dialogue with control. Franklin’s earlier “no cohabitation with other partners” rule led to heartbreak because it denied renegotiation. Ethical practice prefers mutual understanding to edict.

• Place expiration dates on agreements to invite—and normalize—change.
• Avoid double standards; fairness preserves trust.
• Translate fear into a concrete need before writing restrictions.

You build sustainable connections when each commitment protects autonomy rather than curtails it. Agreements suited to needs become the scaffolding for trust.

Jealousy terrifies newcomers to polyamory, but Veaux and Rickert recast it as emotional data rather than a verdict. You aren’t 'bad at poly' for feeling jealous—you’re human. The key is to decode the emotion rather than obey it.

Understanding jealousy’s layers

Jealousy combines fear, shame, insecurity, and loss. The 'sushi factor'—feeling hurt when your partner shares a new experience first with someone else—illustrates symbolic triggers: it’s not the sushi but exclusion that stings. Recognizing this helps separate the surface event from underlying needs.

A method to defuse jealousy

The five-step method: accept the feeling, locate triggers, identify deeper needs, communicate openly, and build internal security. The goal isn’t suppression; it’s transformation. As Franklin’s pain over Ruby showed, jealousy unmanaged becomes control; jealousy examined becomes empathy.

Core insight

Jealousy signals where love meets fear; working through it turns emotional turbulence into self-understanding.

Cultivating security

Security grows from self-worth, transparent communication, and consistent care—not from rules that shrink freedom. Ask for reassurance rather than restriction; name needs precisely; practice self-soothing. When you treat jealousy as instruction rather than condemnation, love becomes more expansive.

Time is the invisible currency of polyamory. In networks, how you distribute it reveals priorities and power. The 'pivot'—the person in the middle connecting multiple lovers—must learn to choose actively, respect all partners, and protect their autonomy from competing demands.

Owning choice

Ping-pong poly arises when the pivot bounces between partners, letting fear shape schedules. Franklin illustrates this through Peter’s indecision about overnight plans, which led to frustration for everyone. The remedy: own choices visibly and fairly, using empathy to communicate reasoning.

The tyranny of calendars

Tools like shared calendars require clarity—what counts as confirmed time? What permissions exist? Ambiguity creates resentment or exhaustion. Protect self-care blocks and negotiate shared expectations. Your time belongs to you; allocating it with consent, not obligation, prevents burnout.

Fairness and compassion

The 'grape and cucumber' story shows how perceived inequality sparks conflict. Instead of counting hours, identify needs—"I’d like two hours of focused connection"—and recognize context. Compassion-based fairness sometimes means doing extra when another is ill. Replace balance sheets with kindness.

Owning time choices with transparency turns scheduling from moral struggle into collaborative stewardship. Treat time as gift, not entitlement, and every partner feels respected.

Sexual transparency lies at the heart of ethical polyamory. Definitions differ; misunderstandings can cause crisis. The authors guide you to name acts explicitly, manage fluid bonding with care, and make sexual health a shared, shame-free practice.

Define what sex means

“Sex” is ambiguous—making out, oral, masturbation, cybersex—all mean different things to different people. Misaligned assumptions, as in Amy and Stephan’s dispute, erode trust. Discuss definitions upfront to prevent accidental violations.

Fluid bonding and disclosure

Unbarriered sex ('fluid bonding') often carries emotional symbolism. When Ray and Peter clashed after unbarriered sex with a new partner, they learned that risk and intimacy overlap. Agree on disclosure protocols, testing schedules, and emotional meanings before acts occur.

Risk and testing

Monogamy doesn’t guarantee safety; openness often encourages routine testing. Know window periods, share results, and consider vaccination (HPV, hepatitis). 'Trust but verify'—make information transparent rather than punitive. End stigma: herpes or HPV are common, not moral flaws.

Sexual integrity combines knowledge, honesty, and care. Mutual responsibility replaces shame. When handled ethically, sexual diversity enriches intimacy instead of endangering it.

Polyamory thrives—or withers—within its social networks. Metamours, your partners’ partners, may become friends or foes depending on how you navigate boundaries and etiquette. Franklin and Eve invite you to build community based on care rather than competition.

Meeting metamours

Introduction timing matters. The pivot should coordinate introductions with consent; surprise encounters breed distrust. Respect privacy, but don’t neglect transparency. Metamour meetings signal legitimacy and can prevent triangulation later.

Healthy interaction

Avoid spying, copying styles, or overcontact. Defuse tension rather than amplify it—act as attenuator. If a partner asks what another feels, encourage direct dialogue. These small habits preserve dignity across the network.

Community support

Outside connections matter too. Poly meetups, online forums, and mentoring circles provide crucial stability. Eve’s illness episode—supported by multiple partners—allies and care—shows the strength of communal bonds. De-isolation turns polyamory from private struggle into shared resilience.

When metamours cooperate and communities behave ethically, polyamory becomes sustainable culture. You nurture not just relationships but ecosystems of compassion.

Polyamory, like life, evolves. Every connection has seasons. The authors advocate graceful transitions—whether opening from monogamy, facing breakup, or coming out publicly. Success isn’t permanence; it’s growth.

Opening carefully

Couples expanding into poly should proceed deliberately. You cannot 'try poly' as an experiment involving real people without ethical cost. Avoid the 'unicorn hunt'—scripts that objectify newcomers. Successful openings involve therapy, research, and mutual preparedness for change.

Breakups and rebirths

Ending relationships isn’t failure if it brings authenticity. Poly breakups affect networks—living arrangements, co-parenting, meta connections—but transparent communication can minimize harm. Cherise’s triad collapse showed that coercive “package deals” prolong misery; honest closure restores autonomy.

Coming out and building tribe

Revealing poly identity carries risk—family rejection, employment issues—but secrecy breeds shame. Model your disclosure on Eve’s calm dialogue with her mother: involve supportive allies, speak gently, allow processing time. Community groups, professionals aware of nonmonogamy, and peer networks provide the foundation for thriving afterward.

Parting ethic

If a relationship stops making you grow into your best self, honoring its end is success, not failure.

Polyamory’s final lesson mirrors life’s: act with integrity, embrace change, and treat every transition as another chance to live ethically and love fully.