Managing Up

Have you ever caught yourself thinking, “Why can’t my boss just be better?” It’s a sentiment we’ve all had, but in Managing Up: How to Move Up, Win at Work, and Succeed with Any Type of Boss, leadership consultant Mary Abbajay flips this question on its head. Instead of waiting for your boss to change, Abbajay argues that true career success begins when you learn to manage up—strategically adapting your behavior and communication to work effectively with any kind of manager. It’s not about manipulation or flattery, but about understanding how to build productive, balanced relationships with those who hold authority over your career.

Abbajay’s central thesis is deceptively simple: while you can’t control your boss, you can control your reactions, your communication, and your choices. This shift—from victimhood to power—is at the core of managing up. The book provides a masterclass in emotional intelligence applied to workplace hierarchies, offering you practical strategies to handle different boss archetypes, from the Micromanager to the Ghost to the Narcissist. And along the way, Abbajay reframes old workplace myths: it’s not about sucking up; it’s about strategic self-management and mutual success.

Why Managing Up Matters

Abbajay begins by dismantling one of the biggest illusions in modern work culture—the idea that organizations are meritocracies. In truth, being great at your job isn’t enough. Your boss has enormous influence over your advancement, visibility, and development opportunities. Even in fair organizations, your relationship with your boss often determines how far you’ll go. For this reason, Abbajay asserts, developing the ability to work effectively with your manager is not optional; it’s essential.

The hard truth? Your boss isn’t going to change. People rarely do, especially those who have been rewarded for their current behaviors and leadership style. So instead of resisting their quirks or flaws, the book urges you to learn how to navigate and adapt to them. You don’t need to like your boss—you just need to learn how to work with them. As Abbajay writes, “Stop waiting for the unicorn and start working with the boss you have.”

From Victim to Choice: The Mindset Shift

A major pillar of Abbajay’s philosophy is the idea that power begins with choice. When faced with a tough manager, you have three options: change the situation (usually impossible), leave it, or adapt to it. The one thing you can’t choose is to stay stuck in victimhood. This simple framework encourages you to reframe every management challenge as an opportunity for strategic action. Victimhood, Abbajay warns, “is a career killer and a soul killer.”

By choosing to adapt and influence upward rather than complain or retreat, you transform your position from passive to proactive. Managing up becomes not only a workplace survival skill but a life skill—training you to take responsibility, assess situations clearly, and communicate effectively under pressure.

The Toolkit of Managing Up

Abbajay equips readers with a pragmatic toolkit that combines self-assessment, observation, and adaptive behavior. She encourages you to become a “boss detective”: observe your supervisor’s communication style, energy level, decision-making process, and irritations. What matters to them most? How do they like feedback? What drives them crazy? From there, she outlines strategies to “align, not mirror”—that is, adapt your style in a way that meets their needs without sacrificing authenticity.

The book offers extensive guidance on assessing both your boss and yourself across three dimensions: workstyle personality (like the Advancer, the Harmonizer, the Evaluator, and the Energizer), introversion–extroversion orientation, and emotional drivers such as insecurity, ego, fear, or perfectionism. Once you understand these levers, managing up becomes an act of empathy and strategic design rather than frustration and guesswork.

The Payoff: From Employee to Empowered Leader

Ironically, Abbajay shows that learning to manage up doesn’t just help you survive a difficult boss—it teaches you the skills to become a better leader yourself. Adaptive communication, empathy, boundary-setting, and foresight are the same abilities used by top-performing executives. Many readers realize, as Abbajay notes, that “everybody has to manage up, so learn to be good at it.” Even CEOs, after all, answer to boards or shareholders.

Ultimately, Managing Up is a handbook for self-empowerment in hierarchical systems. Whether your boss is a dream mentor or a nightmare Narcissist, Abbajay makes one thing clear: you always have agency. Every workplace relationship can either drain or develop you—but it’s up to you to choose your response. If you stop complaining and start managing up, you stop waiting for the perfect boss and start creating the conditions for your own success.

Abbajay encourages you to approach your workplace like a sociologist—observe, interpret, and adapt. The foundation of effective managing up is learning to decode your boss’s personality style. Drawing from behavioral psychology frameworks like DISC and the Myers-Briggs model, she categorizes managers into four key workstyle personalities: the Advancer, Energizer, Harmonizer, and Evaluator.

The Four Workplace Archetypes

• The Advancer is driven, pragmatic, and goal-focused. Think of a boss like Heather, an animal welfare CEO featured in the book, who pushes her team relentlessly toward results. She’s efficient and confident but often brusque or impatient. To thrive under an Advancer, be concise, deliver results, and always come armed with solutions—not excuses.
• The Energizer lives on ideas, relationships, and optimism. Their energy can be contagious—or chaotic. Like Don, the fast-talking creative executive in the book, they’re dynamic but easily distracted. Managing them means matching their enthusiasm initially, then channeling it with structure and follow-through.
• The Harmonizer values relationships over risk. They want everyone to get along, even at the cost of speed or innovation. These “nice” bosses, like Bill in the healthcare example, avoid confrontation. To work well with them, focus on teamwork and calm communication. Don’t demand instant decisions; guide them gently toward clarity.
• The Evaluator is a perfectionist. Detail-obsessed and analytical, they measure twice and cut once. You’ll recognize them by their calm demeanor and endless questions. For them, emotion and intuition mean little—facts rule. Bring data, patience, and precision, and never surprise them.

Understanding this model gives you a lens for diagnosing most management behaviors. Each personality type shines when used in moderation—but when overloaded, becomes difficult. The Energizer becomes impulsive, the Advancer becomes domineering, the Harmonizer becomes avoidant, and the Evaluator becomes paralyzingly cautious.

Applying the Platinum Rule

Abbajay builds on the “Platinum Rule”: treat others as they want to be treated. Whereas the Golden Rule assumes everyone shares your preferences, the Platinum Rule forces empathy and adaptability. For instance, your Evaluator boss might see your spontaneous brainstorming as recklessness, while your Energizer boss might view your structured planning as rigidity. Observing their cues—and responding in kind—creates harmony and prevents unnecessary friction.

Other leadership thinkers like Daniel Goleman (Emotional Intelligence) and Adam Grant (Give and Take) have made similar arguments: emotional agility, not intelligence alone, predicts workplace success. Abbajay’s personality framework gives you a language for practicing that agility daily—with the person who shapes your career trajectory the most.

The key takeaway? Identify your boss’s core drives, fears, and habits—then speak their language. When you shift from frustration to curiosity, your interactions stop being reactive and start becoming strategic. It's not fake—it’s flexible.

Before you can manage up effectively, you must understand how energy and communication preferences shape your boss’s behavior. Abbajay divides this into two fundamental types: Innies (introverts) and Outies (extroverts).

Working with an Introvert Boss

Introverted bosses, or “Innies,” draw energy from solitude and internal reflection. They think before they speak, prefer written communication, and can appear aloof—but they’re rarely uncaring. Take Roger, an extroverted employee frustrated by his quiet boss, Carol. Once he realized her minimal communication wasn’t disinterest but introversion, he stopped taking it personally and began scheduling organized check-ins. The relationship improved dramatically.

To work well with an Innie, you must plan ahead. Give them time to process, avoid interrupting their “focus zones,” and use email instead of spontaneous visits. When you meet, bring clear agendas and avoid loud brainstorming sessions. Above all, respect their need for quiet—silence isn’t neglect; it’s how they recharge.

Working with an Extrovert Boss

Extroverted or “Outie” bosses, on the other hand, thrive on activity, noise, and human contact. They talk through ideas, share openly, and love brainstorming. If your Outie boss overshares or changes directions mid-conversation, that’s not necessarily chaos—it’s their thinking process in action. They’re energized by interaction and deflated by isolation.

Tim, an introvert in Abbajay’s example, found his extroverted boss, Carl, unbearable—until he learned to “clarify and recap.” After meetings, Tim started summarizing what Carl said in writing to separate genuine action items from passing thoughts. This one habit transformed confusion into clarity.

The author emphasizes adapting, not mirroring. If you’re an introvert working for an extrovert, increase verbal updates and show enthusiasm. If you’re an extrovert working for an introvert, curb spontaneous chatter. In both cases, communication alignment is the bridge.

Abbajay’s practical message matches modern neuroscience: energy mismatches often trigger unnecessary conflict and misinterpretation. Managing up begins with seeing your boss’s pace and preference not as problems—but as roadmaps for connection.

Not all bad bosses are created equal. Abbajay categorizes the most challenging types into ten archetypes, each requiring distinct survival strategies. She argues that understanding what drives their dysfunction—fear, ego, insecurity, incompetence—lets you design better ways to navigate them.

From Micromanagers to Ghosts

The Micromanager hovers over every detail. Usually, this springs from fear or perfectionism. Your best reaction isn’t rebellion but reassurance: over-communicate, meet deadlines early, and proactively share updates until you earn trust. Mia, a program director, defused her Micromanager’s anxiety by sending daily memos outlining her tasks—and eventually won full autonomy.

The Ghost Boss is the opposite—hands-off, absent, or apathetic. Managing up here means initiating communication and building a self-directing team. Steve, one employee, mastered the “ten-minute pop-in”—brief, focused meetings that kept his overwhelmed boss engaged and informed.

Tyrants, Pushovers, and Narcissists

The Pushover fears confrontation and lacks spine. To manage up, provide data and consistency. Become the anchor they can’t be. Michelle in the book learned to support her indecisive director by preparing evidence-backed reports that gave him confidence to stand firm with stakeholders.

The Narcissist, driven by ego and admiration, demands flattery and control. Abbajay admits this is the one type where tactful ego-stroking might actually help. Compliment strategically, appeal to their image rather than their emotions, and focus conversations on how ideas benefit them. Above all, don’t gossip—they’ll find out.

At the far end lies the Truly Terrible: abusive tyrants whose behavior borders on pathology. There are no clever fixes here—only exit plans. Abbajay is blunt: “You can’t win with the Truly Terrible.” Protect your psyche, document everything, and start planning your escape.

What makes Abbajay’s taxonomy powerful is its compassion. Instead of vilifying, she asks you to analyze. Difficult bosses are case studies in human imperfection—and managing them is training for leadership maturity.

Among Abbajay’s most surprising insights is that even the worst bosses can be teachers—if you approach them strategically. Two of her richest case studies focus on working for Incompetent and Narcissistic managers.

Turning Incompetence into Opportunity

Working for an Incompetent Boss can feel infuriating—decisions delayed, mistakes repeated, chaos normalized. Yet Abbajay reframes this as a leadership laboratory. When Casey, an architectural designer, realized her boss, Susan, was out of her depth, she stopped resisting and started helping. By shifting from resentment to empathy—imagining Susan’s insecurity and public failure—Casey transformed loathing into leverage. She helped her boss succeed, earned visibility with partners, and eventually secured her own promotion.

Abbajay offers a “diagnose, empathize, compensate” model: determine whether your Incompetent is well-meaning or a fraud; empathize if it’s the former, protect yourself if it’s the latter. By compensating for deficiencies—taking initiative, communicating upward, finding mentors—you turn a liability into a career accelerator.

Surviving the Narcissist Boss

The Narcissist, meanwhile, is driven by ego, vanity, and a hunger for admiration. Working for one is emotionally draining but potentially lucrative if you play the long game. Abbajay prescribes pragmatic survival tactics: show respect and deference, frame your contributions in a way that flatters their image (“this project will make you look great”), and never challenge them publicly. Sycophancy may feel distasteful—but discretion is survival.

Sara’s story is a sobering reminder. She tried compliance, confrontation, and diplomacy with her self-absorbed boss Adam—none worked. Her turning point came when she realized, as she put it, “When the water is poisoned, it’s poisoned.” Some situations can’t be purified. You leave.

Together, these two archetypes show Abbajay’s core wisdom: managing up isn’t about changing other people—it’s about understanding them deeply enough to decide when to adapt and when to walk away.

Some bosses cross boundaries not through cruelty but through overattachment, busyness, or disorganization. Abbajay highlights three subtle but exhausting types: the BFF Boss, the Workaholic, and the infamous Seagull (who swoops in to poop on your project).

The BFF Trap

The “friend boss” seems ideal—until lines blur. Lisa’s boss, Wendy, texted her constantly, shared secrets, and alienated her from colleagues. The friendship became a liability. Abbajay advises drawing gentle boundaries: share some, not all; get “busy” to avoid constant invites; and include others in lunches to dilute exclusivity. Workplace friendship must never eclipse professionalism—or you risk isolation and stagnation.

The Workaholic Engine

Workaholic bosses live for their jobs—and expect you to, too. Emails at midnight, tasks assigned at 5 p.m., and constant urgency are standard. To survive, clarify expectations: Are night emails meant for immediate response, or just clearing their inbox? Janet, a new mother, won balance by negotiating clear boundaries (“I’ll check once after bedtime”) paired with consistent excellence. Productivity earns leeway; visible commitment earns trust.

Abbajay reminds readers to decide what career stage they’re in. If you’re building your skills, temporary overwork might be worth the growth; if you’re burning out, it’s time to re-evaluate. Either way, choose consciously.

The Swooping Seagull

Lastly, beware the Seagull Boss—the one who disappears until deadline week, then storms in shouting and rewriting everything. Abbajay’s solution: “keep the loop closed.” Over-communicate progress, anticipate panic points, and build guardrails. If they see steady updates, they’re less likely to swoop. If they still do? Stay calm, adapt, and document everything.

Each of these types tests your boundaries in a different way—but also teaches assertiveness. Abbajay’s recurring message: You teach people how to treat you. Boundaries aren’t defiance—they’re clarity.

In her closing chapters, Abbajay delivers one of the most countercultural messages in self-help literature: sometimes the smartest, bravest thing you can do is quit. After all, persistence in hopeless situations isn’t virtue—it’s self-sabotage. “Quitting,” she writes, “can be an act of creativity and empowerment.”

Abbajay encourages readers to distinguish between difficult bosses (who teach you resilience) and toxic ones (who destroy it). The signs it’s time to leave are unmistakable: daily dread, emotional exhaustion, health decline, or loss of self-esteem. Fear keeps people stuck—fear of failure, uncertainty, or financial loss. Hope keeps them stuck too—the fantasy that “things might get better.” But, as one of her clients put it, “The water’s poisoned. You have to stop drinking.”

Using a simple economic metaphor, Abbajay reframes leaving as rational, not reckless: staying in a miserable job is doubling down on “sunk costs” (time and energy already spent), whereas quitting opens you to new “opportunity costs” (future rewards). In other words, letting go of the wrong boss might be the prerequisite for meeting the right one.

The book ends with a practical guide to leaving gracefully: have another offer lined up, give proper notice, maintain professionalism, and resist the urge for a dramatic exit. Even when your boss doesn’t deserve your courtesy, you owe it to yourself to protect your reputation. As Abbajay quips, “Don’t burn the bridge—you might need it when your new job’s across the river.”

Ultimately, the act of quitting is consistent with her overarching philosophy: choice is power. You can manage up, adapt, or walk away—but never surrender your agency. Your career belongs to you, not to your boss.