Keep Showing Up

How do you stay crazy in love when the one you love drives you absolutely crazy? Karen Ehman’s Keep Showing Up: How to Stay Crazy in Love When Your Love Drives You Crazy opens with this deeply relatable question—a challenge that mirrors the heart of almost every marriage. Ehman argues that lasting love isn’t found in grand gestures or fleeting passion but in the deliberate daily choice to “keep showing up”—especially when the spark fades, differences clash, and life feels mundane. Drawing from decades of marriage, biblical wisdom, and candid humor, Ehman insists that marriage is hard, but it’s not about you. It’s about showing the world how God’s grace looks in human form.

Marriage as God's Mirror

Ehman begins by reframing marriage entirely: it isn’t a romantic contract for personal happiness. It’s a covenant designed to reflect the relationship between Christ and His church. Our marriages don’t just exist for our enjoyment—they exist to preach the gospel through imperfect love. In her words, “Your marriage is a message, and people are watching you preach.” This idea transforms the lens through which you see conflict or disappointment. When you remember that each act of forgiveness or selflessness mirrors divine grace, you are reminded that marital perseverance is an act of worship, not just willpower.

Facing the Realities of Marriage

Ehman dismantles cultural myths that set couples up for failure—like the idea that marriage should be easy, magical, or constantly romantic. She cites everything from Barbie and Ken fantasies to social media’s high-gloss proposals to remind readers that most relationships aren’t “picture-perfect.” Instead, they are messy classrooms for spiritual growth. “Marriage is hard, and it’s not about me,” she writes—a line that serves as the book’s refrain. Each chapter unpacks practical and spiritual tools to help wives rediscover purpose in the ordinary, frustrating, and beautiful realities of married life.

The Core of 'Keep Showing Up'

Ehman’s core argument revolves around choosing persistence and grace daily. She intertwines real-life stories (like moments she wanted to resign as a wife six weeks into marriage) with Scripture, showing how faith transforms irritation into intimacy. From embracing your “sandpaper spouse”—the one who smooths out your rough edges—to rediscovering love languages, she invites readers to see trials not as threats to love, but as tools God uses to make them more Christlike. Each chapter expands this philosophy, offering biblical principles, humor, and hands-on ideas to practice unconditional love amid real human frailty.

A Blueprint for Grace-Filled Love

Across its nine chapters, Ehman structures the book as a journey: from early disillusionment (“Where Does a Wife Go to Resign?”) to emotional renewal (“You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feelin’”), to daily devotion (“Finding Magic in the Mundane”). Later chapters elevate love from emotion to mission: “The Mission of Your Marriage” and “The Setup for Success” emphasize community, service, and spiritual accountability. The finale, “Never Stop Starting Over,” closes with a profound call to grace—that the key to enduring love isn’t perfection but a willingness to keep forgiving and to keep beginning again. Through this structure, Ehman builds an honest but hopeful roadmap for real love that lasts because it relies on God’s faithfulness rather than human effort.

Why This Message Matters

In a culture that treats disagreements as dealbreakers and comfort as a marital goal, Keep Showing Up reminds readers that marriage isn’t about finding the right person—it’s about being the right person. Ehman connects emotional vulnerability with spiritual strength, drawing inspiration from mentors, friends, and biblical figures to reveal the transformative power of grace. Her conversational tone and candor make her lessons accessible and practical, but her depth makes them lasting: learning to love when it’s inconvenient is how we learn to love like Christ. As she writes, “Don’t hang up on your marriage—hang in there instead.”

Ultimately, the book leaves readers with both conviction and comfort. Marriage will frustrate, stretch, and refine you—but those very challenges are the workshop of divine love. And in that sacred process, Ehman reminds us, the greatest act of romance is simply to keep showing up.

Karen Ehman’s concept of the “sandpaper spouse” captures the beauty and the struggle of life in marriage: your spouse will sometimes rub you the wrong way—but that friction can refine you into grace. She recounts endless small annoyances, like her husband’s quiet demeanor or his forgetfulness, and admits that early on, she equated their differences with wrongness. Her friend Mary challenged her thinking with a simple truth: “If you and Todd think the same way about everything, one of you is unnecessary.”

From Friction to Formation

Ehman argues that your spouse’s differences are not obstacles—they are tools God uses to smooth out pride, impatience, and selfishness. She compares marriage to sanding wood in shop class: the rough grain of one person against another creates refinement. Proverbs 27:17 captures this perfectly: “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” Those points of irritation become moments of teaching when handled with humility.

Different Is Not Wrong

One of Ehman’s most transformative ideas is that “different isn’t wrong—it’s just different.” From personality clashes to communication styles to opposite love languages, marriage constantly presents opportunities for misunderstanding. She likens marriage to woven twill fabric—durable because two dissimilar threads intertwine at diagonal angles. Their difference is what gives them strength. This metaphor elevates marriage beyond compatibility and into cooperation: two lives can be flexible, sturdy, and beautiful when woven by grace.

Grit and Grace

Embracing a sandpaper spouse means letting grit meet grace. Ehman reminds readers that marriage isn’t meant to make us happy—it is meant to make us holy. She quotes actor Candace Cameron Bure, who said, “Marriage was made to refine us, not to please us.” This refinement process may be painful, but it cultivates patience, compassion, and humility. Over time, you stop focusing on your spouse’s rough edges and begin to thank God for the ways those edges shape you into someone more Christlike. Each conflict invites spiritual growth rather than resentment.

Practical Lessons: Seven Sermons

Ehman distills her experience into seven practical “sermons” for wives who want to love through the grit:

• Choose your love, then love your choice daily.
• Lose the attitude—keep the marriage.
• Work hard—nothing worthwhile comes easy.
• Make differences work for you, not against you.
• Get on your knees often—prayer changes hearts.
• Specialize to maximize—divide household tasks by strengths.
• Love your husband “just because he’s yours.”

These daily mental habits form the scaffolding of lasting grace. None of them promise an easier marriage, but each promises a deeper one.

Let God Change Your Relational DNA

Ehman closes the chapter with a metaphor drawn from a NASA twin study: even living “in the heavens” changes your DNA. Likewise, spending time with God shifts the very chemistry of your relationship. You learn to stop interpreting difference as defiance and start seeing it as design. You begin to thank God not despite your sandpaper spouse—but because of them.

When marriage feels routine or boring, Karen Ehman teaches that the cure isn’t chasing new excitement—it’s finding magic in the ordinary. Many wives ask her, “What can I do? My husband and I don’t seem in love anymore.” Ehman argues that boredom often stems from two misunderstandings: a skewed view of romance and a failure to recognize how your spouse shows love.

Reframing Romance

Our culture associates romance with grand gestures—flash mobs, viral proposals, or expensive holidays. Ehman debunks this myth: real love isn’t viral, it’s quiet. True romance is found in everyday loyalty—taking out the trash, scraping snow off your spouse’s car, or showing up when no one is watching. “Authentic love,” she says, “is demonstrated in the microscopic, mundane minutes of life.” By shifting our expectations from cinematic passion to everyday compassion, we start to see romance clearly.

Understanding Love Languages

Ehman illustrates how mismatched “love languages” breed frustration. In early marriage, she thought her husband didn’t love her because he didn’t write notes or buy gifts. In truth, his language was acts of service—cleaning, cooking, and filling the car with gas. She references Dr. Gary Chapman’s five love languages: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch. Learning to “translate” your spouse’s gestures into love is an act of empathy. When you think your husband doesn’t care, you might just be speaking different dialects of affection.

Discovering Joy in Everyday Life

Ehman encourages couples to rediscover each other—and their joy—by revisiting simple pleasures. Recreate your early dates. Ask new questions. Celebrate small wins. She even includes “Getting-to-Know-You-Again” date-night prompts, from favorite childhood toys to dream travels. The goal isn’t nostalgia; it’s renewed curiosity about who your spouse is now.

Let Love Mature

As years pass, love evolves. Ehman advises replacing lofty expectations with gratitude for quiet gestures. Romantic love may become routine, but routine can be sacred. Seeing God’s hand in simple moments—cooking together, praying together, laughing at corny jokes—turns monotony into ministry. She cites Jackie Hill Perry’s words: “Love should feel like a fun forever.” Marriage should have humor, silliness, and shared hobbies, because joy builds resilience against resentment.

Work at Love

Finally, Ehman tackles laziness in marriage. Like meal-prep kits promise effortless cooking, couples often expect easy romance. But deep connection doesn’t arrive in a box—“it requires sweat and grace.” In reframing romance, she transforms boredom into beauty, reminding you that the holy magic in marriage often hides in grocery store bouquets, folded laundry, or laughter over texts gone wrong. That’s where lasting love lives.

Conflict is inevitable—but how you fight defines the health of your marriage. In “Duel or Duet? Your Choice,” Ehman compares marriages to adhesive glue: one bond holds firm under heat, while another melts under pressure. Healthy couples don’t avoid conflict—they redeem it. “Marriage is more like J-B Weld,” she says, referencing the durable epoxy. When heat and stress hit, its glue strengthens. Likewise, the friction of disagreement, handled with forgiveness, deepens unity.

Expect Trouble, Find Christ

Quoting John 16:33, “In this world you will have trouble,” Ehman urges couples to expect conflict as normal rather than catastrophic. Christ didn’t promise ease—but He promised peace. By shifting the question from “Why is this happening?” to “So what will I do through it?” couples seek godly responses instead of blame. Jesus, our model of grace, rarely avoided confrontation; He handled it with truth and compassion. Ehman draws on this example to show that godly love stays calm when emotions surge.

Rules of Engagement

Ehman outlines strategies for healthy disagreement—rules she and Todd developed through trial and many errors. These include:

• Avoid exaggeration (“You never…” “You always…”) which escalates blame.
• Don’t get historical—leave past wounds buried.
• Speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15), balancing honesty with tenderness.
• Stick to facts instead of motives. “You forgot” is different than “You don’t care.”
• Find common ground and practice compromise.

Forgiveness as Reset

Forgiveness, Ehman writes, is “not about keeping score—but about losing count.” She quotes C. S. Lewis: “Everyone says forgiveness is a lovely idea until they have something to forgive.” Forgiveness doesn’t eliminate pain—it eliminates poison. By apologizing and forgiving quickly, couples reduce “relational recovery time.” When Ehman recounts snapping at her husband about paper plates before a book event, she admits that apologizing changed the evening entirely—turning resentment into renewed connection and testimony of grace.

Hang In There, Not Up

Ehman’s motto adapts to conflict: “Don’t hang up on your marriage—hang in there instead.” Every fight offers a choice between a duel and a duet. When you let God govern your reactions rather than your emotions, even arguments become instruments of harmony. She closes with Proverbs “power verses,” reminding readers that soft words, patience, and humility calm quarrels. In choosing grace over pride, you turn each duel into a duet sung by two imperfect hearts staying glued together by mercy.

Karen Ehman invites couples to see marriage not only as a relationship but as a shared mission. “The mission of marriage,” she writes, “is to make the relationship of Christ and the church come alive.” This perspective transforms couples from self-contained units into ministry teams—partners in service, compassion, and faith. Your marriage isn’t just for you; it’s for what God wants to accomplish through you together.

Marriage as Ministry

Ehman illustrates this with examples from her friends Liz and Bill Higgs, whose partnership in writing and ministry embodies her vision of “Team Us.” She also invokes Billy and Ruth Graham—a couple whose shared devotion made their relationship bigger than either individual. Whether your ministry unfolds in public or private, its power lies in collaboration: “Bill and Liz ought to be something more than Bill alone or Liz alone.” Every marriage can form its own “Ministry Team Us.”

Discovering Your Calling Together

Ehman proposes two starting points for finding this shared calling: look for pain and look for your old self. You can minister to those who hurt in ways you once did—like Ehman and her husband opening their home to teens from broken families because she was raised by a single mom. Pain becomes purpose when shared with empathy. She also suggests listing personal strengths and passions side by side to identify synergy. When one spouse bakes and the other fixes things, both can serve together. Ministry becomes love in action.

Serving Alone and Together

Some partners may feel called to distinct ministries. Ehman cautions against mistaking “oneness” for sameness. Even Jesus’ disciples had different roles but shared one mission. Supporting your spouse’s individual calling—whether teaching, volunteering, mentoring, or simply praying—strengthens mutual respect and spiritual growth. Encouragement becomes an act of love, proving that spiritual unity doesn’t require uniformity.

Costly Love and Generosity

Ehman challenges couples to count the cost: sacrifice, time, and resources are part of serving. She recalls postponing a kitchen renovation after hearing a sermon urging believers to “defer your dream in light of eternity.” Instead of upgrading countertops, she chose to invest in spreading the gospel. True partnership means prioritizing kingdom work over material comfort—a countercultural expression of love.

Love in Action

The chapter ends with Ehman’s favorite story: she and Todd used their Valentine’s Day dinner money to send roses to sixteen single women in her office—each note reading, “You are loved and appreciated—by God and by us.” Their small act of kindness became ministry in motion. In that moment, their romantic evening turned into worship. Marriage, Ehman reminds us, is not only about loving each other—it’s about glorifying God together.

The book’s final message is simple but revolutionary: love doesn’t fail when it falls—it fails when you stop getting back up. “Never Stop Starting Over” is Ehman’s call to continual forgiveness and perseverance rooted in God’s mercy. Every day is another chance to love again, as Lamentations 3:22–23 reminds: “His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning.”

Mind Your Own Sin

Ehman invokes G. K. Chesterton’s famous quote: when asked what’s wrong with the world, he answered, “I am.” She applies this humility to marriage—before fixing your spouse, examine your heart. Sin magnifies others’ faults while shrinking our own. Recognizing this pattern opens the door for grace, not judgment. It realigns your focus on becoming who God calls you to be, not who you hope your spouse will become.

Stories of Redemption

Ehman shares moving testimonies of three couples who fought through betrayal, disappointment, and despair: Nicki and Kris, who overcame early chaos and youthful mistakes; Melissa and Jeff, who rebuilt love from “one ounce of hope”; and Cindy and Chris, a pastor and wife restored after infidelity. Cindy’s story echoes Ehman’s thesis—the choice to stay becomes an act of divine participation. “You’re not a fool to be a part of redemptive work,” a wise mentor told Cindy. Staying can sometimes be sacred rebellion against hopelessness.

Do It for Jesus

Ehman closes with a metaphor inspired by a student who obeyed his teacher not because he wanted to—but because he trusted her. “Look,” Jesus tells us, “I know you don’t want to do this. But will you do it for me?” Obedient love doesn’t always feel natural, but it flows supernaturally when directed at Christ. She recalls Luke 5:5—Peter’s weary words before the miracle: “Because you say so, I will.” This verse becomes marriage’s mantra. You forgive again, love again, and start again—because He says so.

The Joy of Perseverance

Finally, Ehman celebrates perseverance as beauty that may bloom unseen. Like a lilac bush growing alone in the countryside, your quiet faithfulness might not draw applause—but its fragrance still glorifies God. Love isn’t proven by crowds, cameras, or milestones; it’s proven each morning you choose mercy over memory. In Ehman’s world, forgiveness is marriage’s heartbeat, and faithfulness its melody. To keep showing up—again and again—is both the smallest and most sacred miracle of all.