How Women Rise

Have you ever felt stuck in your career despite working relentlessly, delivering outstanding results, and doing everything that seems right? In How Women Rise, authors Sally Helgesen and Marshall Goldsmith argue that many successful women plateau not because of external barriers alone, but because of invisible habits that sabotage their progress. These are not flaws in character—they are learned patterns that once served women well but eventually limit their ability to rise higher.

Goldsmith’s previous book, What Got You Here Won’t Get You There, focused on the behaviors that hold back high-achieving leaders, mostly men. But Helgesen, a renowned expert on women’s leadership, noticed that many of those patterns look very different for women. Men may fall prey to arrogance and overconfidence, but women tend to get stuck in excessive modesty, perfectionism, or pleasing others. Together, the authors blend behavioral coaching and gender research to reveal how women can replace self-defeating habits with empowering ones.

The Core Argument: What Holds Women Back

The book builds on one powerful premise: the very behaviors that help women succeed early in their careers often hinder them later on. Women are often rewarded for being conscientious, modest, and loyal—qualities that win praise in entry and mid-level roles. But as they move into leadership, these same habits can signal passivity or lack of ambition. The authors identify twelve common habits—such as the reluctance to claim achievements, expecting others to notice your contributions, or the perfection trap—that consistently stall women’s advancement.

Helgesen and Goldsmith remind readers that these habits are not unique moral failings but adaptive strategies shaped by upbringing, workplace culture, and social expectations. Girls are encouraged to be helpful and humble, while boys are rewarded for assertiveness and daring. Over time, women internalize the idea that being self-promotional or ambitious is unbecoming. When these beliefs carry into professional life, they can come at a steep cost.

Why This Matters: Internal vs. External Barriers

The authors acknowledge the persistence of structural barriers—biased performance criteria, male-driven networks, and cultural expectations—but insist that focusing only on external obstacles can feel disempowering. What truly transforms careers, they contend, is learning to change what lies within your control: your behaviors. The good news is that behavioral change is possible at any age because of neuroplasticity—our brains’ ability to rewire through repetition (a concept popularized by psychologist Carol Dweck and coach Peter Drucker).

Once women identify habits that no longer serve them, they can substitute new ones and gradually internalize more effective responses. This behavioral approach is practical and empowering compared to abstract debates about gender inequality.

The Personal Definition of Success

A major theme is that women often define success differently from men. Helgesen’s research shows that women value work quality, autonomy, meaningful impact, and relationships—sometimes more than salary or prestige. This difference is not a weakness; it reflects a broader, more inclusive vision of leadership. But it also poses a trap: by being less fixated on titles or power, women may underinvest in their own advancement, assuming that great work will “speak for itself.”

The book challenges women to reconcile purpose with ambition—to accept that aiming high doesn’t betray their values. As Drucker famously said, “We spend too much time teaching leaders what to do; not enough time teaching them what to stop.”

From Awareness to Action

Through dozens of vivid case studies—from nonprofit directors like Amy, Silicon Valley engineers like Ellen, and law firm partners like Maureen—the authors illustrate how patterns of overwork, reluctance to speak up, and fear of self-promotion quietly stall promising careers. More importantly, they show how small behavioral shifts—like saying “thank you” instead of deflecting praise, or practicing a well-rehearsed “elevator speech”—can help women get unstuck.

“It’s not what you add that changes you—it’s what you stop doing.” The journey to rise isn’t about working harder; it’s about rewiring the habits that silently keep you in place.

Ultimately, How Women Rise is both diagnostic and prescriptive. It helps you identify the “old template” guiding your behavior, understand why you keep repeating it, and find a realistic way to change. You’ll learn to claim your achievements, speak your truth with clarity, let go of perfectionism, and cultivate allies who can amplify your successes. By replacing self-sabotaging behaviors with intentional habits, you position yourself not only to rise professionally but to lead authentically and effectively—on your own terms.

Helgesen and Goldsmith outline twelve habits that repeatedly surface among successful women who feel stuck. These habits are not random flaws—they have logical origins and often mirror the strengths that propelled these women early in their careers. Yet as the authors explain, when strengths are overused, they become liabilities.

From Helpful to Hindering

The first two habits—reluctance to claim achievements and expecting others to notice your contributions—stem from culturally reinforced modesty. Women like Amy, the nonprofit leader, downplay their own success and assume good work will automatically bring recognition. Instead, they watch male colleagues confidently state their accomplishments and get promoted. As Marshall Goldsmith notes, “Organizations do not promote invisible players.”

Another pair of habits—overvaluing expertise and putting your job before your career—reflect loyalty and diligence. Women like Ashley, who mastered every detail of her position, become indispensable but trapped in the same role for years because their bosses fear losing them. The authors warn: expertise keeps you where you are; relationships move you forward.

Interpersonal and Emotional Traps

Other habits revolve around how women interact with others. Helgesen calls this category “relationship-centered self-sabotage.” The disease to please makes women like Nancy exhaust themselves trying to make everyone happy—at work, at home, and even at their children’s school. Minimizing shows up when women physically shrink in meetings or verbally downplay their ideas with words like “just” or “maybe.” Building rather than leveraging relationships keeps women generous yet underconnected to power networks. They nurture genuine friendships but hesitate to turn them into alliances that advance mutual goals.

Emotional expression forms a double bind addressed in Habit 10: Too Much. Women are often told they’re “too emotional” or “too talkative,” which leads them to self-censor or overexplain. The authors share stories such as Rosa, the Latina executive who transformed her volcanic reputation by articulating emotion through grounded, deliberate speech—turning vulnerability into authority.

Internal Barriers of Mindset

The final habits deal with internal thought patterns. Perfectionism (Habit 7) pushes women like Vera to micromanage and fear mistakes, creating stress and risk-aversion. Ruminating (Habit 11) and letting your radar distract you (Habit 12) both stem from emotional attunement gone awry—constantly reviewing what went wrong, overanalyzing others’ reactions, or scanning for cues of disapproval. Such vigilance can be exhausting and undermine confidence.

Key principle: What helped you succeed at one level may prevent you from rising to the next. Leadership demands not perfection or popularity but clarity, self-promotion, and strategic connection.

By identifying which of these twelve habits resonate with you, the book encourages incremental change rather than radical overhaul. As Helgesen emphasizes, “Start with one thing.” Choose one behavior, practice a new alternative repeatedly, and enlist allies to reinforce progress. Over time, small intentional shifts compound into transformation—an approach supported by behavioral science and coaching practice across industries.

In early chapters, the authors ask women to reflect on how they define success and recognize when they feel stuck. Their interviews with executives reveal that while men often equate success with status and salary, women frequently tie it to meaning, connection, and quality of life. This difference shapes how each gender experiences workplace progress—and frustration.

The Personal Meaning of Rising

Helgesen writes, “You get to define what rising means to you.” For some, it’s reaching the C-suite; for others, it’s building a thriving business, mentoring women, or achieving work-life balance. But whatever your goal, feeling stuck is the universal sign of misalignment. You might feel your contributions aren’t recognized, your potential isn’t tapped, or your environment fails to see what you bring. The book’s central purpose is to help women identify how their own behaviors may unknowingly perpetuate that stuckness.

Behavioral vs. Structural Stuckness

The authors carefully distinguish between external barriers (inequitable systems) and internal ones (habits). External factors—biased evaluation criteria, male bonding rituals like golf networks, family-unfriendly policies—are real and must be challenged collectively. But focusing solely on them can feel immobilizing. Instead, they offer the behavioral lens: look inward at the actions within your control. Changing how you respond, communicate, and advocate can often produce immediate improvement even within flawed structures.

Consider Ellen, the engineer whose boss failed to recognize her networking prowess. She assumed he “should” notice her contributions, but since she never shared her connective work, he couldn’t. Once she began a weekly brief listing her contacts and outcomes, her boss praised her initiative and visibility improved across departments. Ellen didn’t change the company; she changed her behavior. That shift exemplifies the book’s pragmatic approach: move from blame to agency.

Autopilot and Conscious Awareness

To overcome stuckness, Helgesen recommends turning off “autopilot.” Habits, she explains, are not personality—they’re comfort zones built from repetition. You act as if they define you (“I’ve always been modest” or “I’m just a perfectionist”), but they’re learned patterns that can be replaced. By bringing these behaviors into conscious awareness, you reclaim choice. The examples of Ellen, Carrie, and Miranda show that reflection, experimentation, and incremental change—like saying “thank you” instead of apologizing—can reset one’s default behaviors.

“Your habits are not you. They are you on autopilot.” By shifting from reaction to intention, you move from stuckness to agency, transforming your work experience from frustration to satisfaction.

This insight aligns with modern behavioral theories (Carol Dweck’s growth mindset or James Clear’s atomic habits) that emphasize identity through repeated small actions. Success, the book argues, is not about changing who you are, but about choosing to show up differently.

One of the most transformative lessons in How Women Rise is learning how to communicate achievements without crossing into self-centeredness. This requires dismantling two myths: first, that great work speaks for itself; and second, that self-promotion equals arrogance. Helgesen reframes self-advocacy as responsible professional communication—your organization cannot reward invisible effort.

The “Thank You” Technique

Helgesen’s story of Amy, the nonprofit director who deflected praise to others, illustrates the cost of excessive modesty. When she redirected credit away from herself during interviews, she unintentionally undermined her organization’s visibility. Her coach advised her to develop a simple behavioral change: when praised, say “thank you” and stop. No justifications, disclaimers, or false humility. This small act of acceptance shifted how others perceived her confidence.

Finding the Middle Ground

Many women fear becoming the “obnoxious blowhard” who brags—so they choose silence. Helgesen counters this either/or thinking by teaching how to share achievements strategically, much like a company markets its best product. Marketing yourself is not self-promotion; it’s transparency. Framing accomplishments as contributions to organizational success—“this initiative increased efficiency by 30%”—highlights value without arrogance.

The Elevator Speech

Dong Lao’s story of the “elevator moment” offers a practical template: three clear sentences summarizing what you do, what you aim to achieve, and why you’re qualified. Having such a statement ready allows you to seize chance encounters and communicate vision succinctly. Lao advised women not to fear change—the speech can evolve as goals evolve. The message: clarity breeds confidence.

Leadership visibility begins with your ability to articulate value. When you clearly state what you do and where you’re going, others can align, advocate, and reward you accordingly.

By adopting concise self-promotion and reframing modesty as professionalism, women can transform how others perceive their contributions. As Peter Drucker told Goldsmith, “You should be able to put your mission statement on a T-shirt.” That clarity, repeated through elevator speeches and acknowledgments, becomes your foundation for rising.

Loyalty is one of women’s most praised traits—but according to Helgesen, it can become a trap. Women may stay too long in comfortable positions because they value relationships or fear appearing disloyal to bosses or teams. While loyalty demonstrates integrity, excessive loyalty signals complacency and self-sacrifice, limiting advancement.

Personal and Team Loyalty

Serena’s story evokes this tension. After eleven years in the same assistant role for an Emmy-winning producer, she resisted pursuing a producer position because she feared leaving her boss “in the lurch.” Her gratitude and emotional attachment disguised stagnation. When challenged by a mentor, Serena realized loyalty was keeping her from realizing her dreams. Once she expressed her career goals, she advanced easily—proving others were not blocking her, but her own beliefs were.

Coach Carlos Marin adds another layer: team loyalty. Many women invest heavily in nurturing their teams but neglect external relationships that drive promotions. While men network upward and outward, women double down on team management. The result? They become exceptional middle managers but struggle to demonstrate strategic influence.

Redefining Self-Interest

Helgesen and Goldsmith argue that healthy self-interest is not selfish—it’s strategic. Being intentional about career growth allows you to serve others better in the long term. Marshall’s coaching story of Heidi, a banker who prided herself on disdaining politics, captures this lesson. Marshall reminded her: “Your company is not curing cancer. You can help people and still help yourself.” This shift helped Heidi drop moral superiority and embrace ambition openly.

“Most jobs are stepping-stones on the way to something else.” Strategic loyalty means valuing relationships while ensuring your career continues to move forward.

The takeaway: you can honor loyalty without abandoning ambition. The challenge lies in shifting perspective—from fearing disappointment to actively positioning yourself for growth. Loyalty should be a platform for trust, not a substitute for progress.

A cluster of habits—perfectionism, the disease to please, and emotion overload—illustrates how women’s empathy and conscientiousness can turn against them. These chapters carry emotional resonance because the authors show how striving to be wonderful can quietly undermine authority and well-being.

The Perfection Trap

Perfection can masquerade as excellence but often creates stress and control issues. Vera, a multilingual insurance executive, was bypassed for CEO because her perfectionism constrained creativity and risk-taking. Marshall’s coaching clients confirm: men are rewarded for daring, women for precision. The lesson—good leadership demands tolerance for mistakes and willingness to delegate.

The Disease to Please

Nancy, a hospital administrator, typifies the pleaser’s dilemma. Her compassion made her beloved but overworked and unable to set boundaries. Coach Ilsa helped her see that saying “no” was not callous—it was leadership. Pleasers fear being disliked, but as power grows, pleasing becomes incompatible with authority. Establish boundaries early; being universally nice is neither possible nor strategic.

Too Much Emotion, Disclosure, and Words

Goldsmith observes that men’s destructive emotion is anger; women’s is anxiety or fear. Rosa’s story shows emotional leadership done right: she converted dread into decisive intuition expressed calmly, earning trust. Sherry, a scientist from Singapore, teaches conciseness—the art of fewer words for greater impact. And disclosure, while authentic, must respect professional boundaries. Sharing vulnerabilities at work doesn’t always build trust; it can erode credibility.

Charm, empathy, and enthusiasm are assets—but without discipline, they can overwhelm. Balance intensity with clarity and intention to turn emotional intelligence into gravitas.

Together, these chapters reinforce a crucial truth: leadership isn’t about being perfect or universally pleasing. It’s about being effective, authentic, and selective. Releasing these habits frees women to show up with confidence and purpose instead of exhaustion and self-doubt.

The later chapters of the book transition from identifying limiting behaviors to mastering the process of change. Helgesen and Goldsmith emphasize that personal transformation is the first step toward reshaping workplace culture itself.

Start Small, Then Scale

Instead of overwhelming yourself with multiple goals, they suggest starting with one behavior. Focused change builds momentum and credibility. Miranda’s five-minute “no practice” with her friend—learning to say no without guilt—symbolizes this micro-change philosophy. Each repetition rewires brain patterns until new behaviors become instinctive.

Don’t Do It Alone

All humans operate on autopilot, so accountability matters. The book advocates peer coaching—partners who observe, signal, and support new behaviors. Goldsmith’s technique of ask, listen, thank, follow up, and advertise builds lasting change through positive reinforcement rather than judgment. His anecdote about thanking people after near tragedy underscores the transformative power of gratitude in leadership.

Letting Go of Judgment

Judgment—especially self-criticism—is the ultimate roadblock. Women’s strength in introspection easily turns into harsh self-talk and rumination. Helgesen offers simple tools: the “oh well” mantra for forgiveness and the “to-don’t list” to consciously release tasks and perfectionistic burdens. This lightness increases psychic space for creativity and calm authority.

From Personal Growth to Cultural Change

Finally, self-change extends outward. As women model these new behaviors—clear communication, boundaries, authenticity—they begin to reshape organizational expectations. The closing reminder, “Remember What Got You Here,” celebrates empathy and diligence as fundamental strengths, not weaknesses, urging women to build upon them with strategic clarity rather than discard them.

Behavioral change is contagious. When women rise consciously, they don’t only transform themselves—they redefine what leadership can look like for everyone.

In sum, How Women Rise shows that becoming your best self is not about fighting structures alone but about mastering intentional behaviors. Once women understand “what to stop,” they free themselves to lead boldly, confidently, and sustainably—empowering others to rise alongside them.