How to Stay in Love

How can you build a marriage that actually works under real pressure? In this book, divorce lawyer James Sexton argues that marriage isn’t a fairy-tale; it’s a technology. It solves certain problems on purpose and creates others by accident. If you treat it like a tool you design, maintain, and periodically upgrade, you’ll make smarter choices before crisis hits and you’ll know how to respond when it does.

Sexton’s core claim is blunt: most marriages fail for two downstream reasons you can address early—you don’t know what you want, and you can’t express what you want. His legal vantage point reveals how small lapses, silences, and avoidable secrets accumulate into affairs, courtroom disasters, and shattered families. He gives you a pragmatic blueprint: design your partnership, speak honestly in real time, protect autonomy while holding the essentials, negotiate sex as part of the deal, control risk factors like social media, and prepare for legal realities just in case.

Why the technology framing helps

When you see marriage as a tool, you stop magical thinking. You ask: what do we want this to do, and what side effects can we accept? You start translating wishes into measurable behaviors—two date nights per month instead of the vague more romance—and you plan for maintenance: renegotiations every year or so, or even a seven-year check that Annmarie suggests. You expect bugs: fading novelty, parenting stress, and money friction. Instead of panicking, you iterate.

Key Principle

Marriage is a technology. Like every technology, it solves certain problems intentionally and creates new problems unintentionally.

Communication as an operating system

Your operating system is how you communicate. Sexton’s Hit Send Now practice asks you to share feelings quickly—via a text or short email—before small slights become calcified resentments. A hurtful dinner joke? Send a short note the next morning. The timing matters: catching the grievance when it’s tiny keeps it solvable. You’re not litigating; you’re reporting a felt state so your partner can respond before it metastasizes.

(Note: Kim Scott’s Radical Candor echoes this—caring personally while challenging directly—yet Sexton’s method is ultra-practical for couples: short, timely, and focused on feelings.)

Design choices you can make now

Treat money, chores, and calendars like product features that need specs. Sexton’s Yours, Mine, and Ours model balances transparency with autonomy through three accounts and clear thresholds for joint decisions. Avoid extreme specialization; swap roles periodically so no one is ignorant or at risk. Shelly found a 65,769-dollar insurance cash-value only after she took a turn with the finances; Cal’s hidden 350,000-dollar Vegas losses show what ignorance costs.

Protect the core while preserving freedom

From Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, Sexton borrows tight grips and loose arms: hold the essentials—trust, respect, shared goals—firmly, while keeping arms loose around autonomy. Micromanagement and surveillance backfire. Charlotte and Jaclyn shrank their lives to become nothing but spouse and parent; attraction and vitality withered. In contrast, partners who keep separate interests return to the marriage more energized and interesting.

Sex is part of the contract

Sex isn’t a bonus; in monogamy, it’s a core feature. If you can’t talk candidly about desires, you’re left with the stark choice Sexton puts on the table: go without or go elsewhere. Randy’s secret panty fetish, Jess’s shifting kink after kids, Seth’s humiliation in asking for daily sex, and Vacation Jen’s on-trip persona all show how silence breeds secrecy or resentment. Better to negotiate openly, with safety and pacing, than to gamble your marriage on suppression.

Modern accelerants and legal reality

Two real-world accelerants—social media and domestic staffing—multiply risk. Facebook reunites old flames and supplies always-on, curated temptation; Sexton calls it foreplay and quit himself when he felt its pull. Nanny dynamics blend proximity, intimacy, and fantasy; you need explicit boundaries. If things fail, courts are not morality plays. Louie’s win after Gabe botched foundation for a photo of Candy’s injuries shows that outcomes hinge on preparation, not righteousness. Jacob’s refusal to rehearse and a casual remark by Chloe about China expansion became courtroom weapons.

Across the book, Sexton threads a humanist realism: marry the family because you’re marrying their network; accept imperfection in parenting; use intimacy to persuade, not punish; and if divorce comes, treat it as an invitation to reinvent. You can’t guarantee a happy ending, but you can design an honest, resilient partnership—and leave well if it fails.

Sexton wants you to manage your marriage like a product you and your partner co-build. Drift is the hidden antagonist: when you don’t define roles, money rules, and decision rights, assumptions harden and resentments bloom. Design choices around finances, labor, and family boundaries are the preventative medicine that keeps little problems from becoming legal emergencies.

Build a financial architecture

The Yours, Mine, and Ours model blends transparency with agency. The Ours account funds household needs—rent, childcare, groceries—with agreed contribution formulas and spending thresholds that trigger notification or pre-approval. Your personal accounts preserve autonomy for discretionary purchases, eliminating the sneaking and shame that secret cards create. Schedule monthly money huddles so both of you can see the picture without micromanaging each other.

This system prevents the blind spots Sexton sees in divorce: spouses who don’t know where accounts are, or what debts exist. Shelly only discovered a 65,769-dollar policy cash value by auditing Phil’s records before signing. Cal’s 350,000-dollar gambling hole blindsided his wife because she never looked. Design beats discovery.

Divide labor without ignorance

Specialization is efficient until it isn’t. Sexton’s maxim—everybody should do something about everything, and neither should do everything about anything—invites periodic role swaps. If one partner handles medical and school logistics, have the other take a month running point; at minimum, do walkthroughs of calendars, contacts, and passwords. This practice reduces vulnerability in crisis and increases empathy for the load each of you carries.

Marry the family, plan the boundaries

You marry a network, not just a person. Tracy and Lenny’s story with Dean, the wealthy father, shows how gifts morph into control. Interest-free loans, restaurant choices, even faucet specs became leverage. If you accept largesse, define expectations in writing: what is a gift, what is a loan, who decides, and how do you repay? Map the five people your partner spends the most time with to anticipate influence on your decisions.

Design Rule

Document money, define decision rights, and schedule renegotiations before resentment is your only communication channel.

Renegotiate on a cadence

Life stages change the job description of being married. Think like product managers: quarterly check-ins for tactical adjustments and annual or seven-year renegotiations for major updates. Convert expectations into measurable behaviors—two date nights a month, Sunday calendar syncs, or a shared savings target. Use visual dashboards or shared docs so the plan survives busy weeks.

Fail-safe for disagreement

Assume stalemates. Predefine tiebreakers: who has domain authority over car purchases, school choice, or holiday travel? Put dark-corner protocols in writing—what happens if someone loses a job, a parent needs care, or a child gets diagnosed? One evening of proactive design can save you years of conflict later.

(Note: This approach echoes prenuptial thinking for everyday life. You’re not predicting a breakup; you’re removing ambiguity so love isn’t forced to carry administrative burdens it’s bad at carrying.)

Communication is the bloodstream of your marriage. Sexton’s day job—telling persuasive stories to judges—taught him that timing and narrative shape outcomes. He offers two intertwined tools: Hit Send Now for real-time honesty and deliberate storytelling to unify memory, meaning, and future direction.

Hit Send Now

When something stings, write a brief message and send it. You’re reporting your felt state, not prosecuting history. Use a subject line like Hit Send Now to cue careful reading. Tell your partner the joke at dinner hurt, that you need a night alone, or that you’re stressed at work so they don’t misattribute your distance. This practice prevents the slow poison Sexton sees in clients who delayed talking until avoidance made truth explosive.

Cynthia and Mac tried to outbreed their problems—a second child, the infamous Ocho who later added eight percent child support—rather than face discomfort. You can do better with micro-honesty. Over time, fast candor becomes muscle memory and small self-protective lies lose their appeal because honesty stops producing catastrophic consequences.

Storytelling as glue

Humans make sense through stories. You and your partner need a shared narrative that makes daily friction feel like part of a longer arc. Revisit your meet-cute and the reason you chose each other; craft future chapters together. Sexton’s courtroom parable with Carl and Janet imagining their daughter Eva’s wedding is instructive: envisioning a moment when they would toast, not bicker, changed their behavior in the present.

Narrative Rule

Whoever tells the best story wins—at trial and at home. Write one you both believe and can live into.

Use intimacy to persuade, not punish

Weaponized intimacy—using what you know to hurt—is common in divorce. Sexton flips it: speak to the aspirational self your partner wants to be. Instead of attacking, frame requests as invitations to their better identity. When his son is distracted or his sister is anxious, he addresses the person they hope to become. Your spouse will hear you more clearly when you reflect their best self back to them.

Practical guardrails

• Reread texts as if a judge could see them. Clarity and kindness survive screenshot culture.
• Use letters for big topics; they slow you down and reduce escalation (especially for co-parenting).
• Create rituals that feed the story: weekly wins, monthly appreciations, or a photo that symbolizes your shared future.

(Note: The Gottmans emphasize the power of shared meaning; Sexton arrives at the same destination through a lawyer’s door—storylines change behavior.)

In monogamy, sex is part of the deal, not an optional add-on. Sexton is frank: if you cannot speak your sexual truth inside the relationship, you will face an ugly trilemma—go without, pressure your partner, or go elsewhere. The only dignified path is honesty plus negotiation, done with care, pacing, and respect for limits.

Why this conversation is urgent

Secrets about desire often trigger the cases Sexton sees. Randy hid his panty fetish, then cheated; Jess’s kink shifted after kids and he wrestled with demand, acceptance, or betrayal; Seth wanted daily sex and felt humiliated asking; Vacation Jen’s on-trip persona created a discrepant expectation at home. The pattern is silence stoking shame, then covert action.

Make it safe to tell the truth

Start slow. Preview a topic during a neutral moment, not in the act. Consider notes or an email to give your partner time to process. Signal range: here’s a core need versus an exploration I’m curious about. Avoid verdicts or diagnoses; ask for their experience and limits. Your goal is a shared language, not a binding verdict after one conversation.

Negotiate with realism

Some mismatches are bridgeable through creativity, scheduling, or toys; others are not. Sexton’s Vegas rule applies: don’t gamble what you can’t afford to lose. If a desire is central to your sense of aliveness and your partner cannot or will not engage, you must face that truth early. If it’s important but flexible, co-design experiments that respect both of you—frequency agreements, special contexts that amplify desire, or alternating whose preferences lead.

Blunt Reality

If your partner will not give you what you want, particularly sexually, the choice is stark: go without or go elsewhere. Speak up before that choice becomes a secret.

Design for desire, not just duty

Rituals nurture eroticism. Plan contexts that unlock your best chemistry—getaways, childcare swaps, or simply guardrails that protect time, energy, and novelty. Notice what conditions made Vacation Jen show up and import pieces of that into daily life. Track what kills desire—resentment from unequal chores, sleep debt, or digital distraction—and redesign your week accordingly.

Above all, keep talking. Sexual compatibility evolves. Annual relationship reviews should include sex, not just money and calendars. You can’t promise permanent alignment, but you can promise permanent honesty and goodwill.

Trying to control your partner tightens the noose around your connection. Sexton’s Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu lesson—tight grips, loose arms—captures the paradox: hold the essentials firmly while keeping space around autonomy. Clinging suffocates; avoidance hollows you out.

Avoid the two common errors

Clinging looks like micromanaging whereabouts, installing spyware, or interrogating friendships. Clients who put GPS trackers on cars often accelerated the exit they feared. Avoidance is the flip side: sacrificing your own life until you’re unrecognizable. Charlotte watched Paul leave for a younger woman after she let marriage erase herself; Jaclyn, a travel photographer, lost identity to domestic demands and lamented becoming a stranger.

Design autonomy into the marriage

Schedule me time and guard it for each of you. Encourage nights out with friends and hobbies that return your partner to their favorite self (Sexton’s own Jiu-Jitsu is his reset). Paradoxically, short absences revive attraction. The person who returns from a weekend away is often the best version of themselves—confident, energized, and interesting.

Handle modern accelerants strategically

Social media, especially Facebook, is an infidelity machine when you’re discontent. It reintroduces exes, curates fantasy, and offers private channels. Sexton’s verdict is blunt: if you’re vulnerable, quit. He did. Set shared digital norms: no secret accounts, no deleting threads, and time-bound social browsing. Treat it like alcohol: use intentionally or abstain.

The nanny scenario combines intimacy and fantasy in your home. Clear professional boundaries, hiring policies, and expectations protect everyone. If one of you is at risk of idealizing the nanny’s freedom and youth, name it and rebalance your own outside life so desire isn’t starved at home.

Holding Strategy

Tight grip on essentials—fidelity, respect, shared goals. Loose arms around autonomy—friends, pursuits, recharge time.

Boundaries without surveillance

Boundaries are agreements, not traps. Agree on disclosures that protect trust—overnight travel, one-on-one dinners with exes—without turning into a warden. Surveillance breeds shame and secrecy; it also fails legally and ethically. You’re safer building a culture where honesty is cheap than building a prison your partner learns to escape.

(Note: Esther Perel’s insight that desire needs space complements Sexton’s legal realism: room to breathe is an emotional and legal risk reducer.)

Affairs rarely come out of nowhere, and they do not all mean the same thing. Sexton maps five types and shows how denial delays action. Your task is to name the type, gather facts, and choose a path: repair through radical transparency, redesign the marriage, or end it with eyes open.

Five types, five trajectories

• Freshly Discovered Soulmate: I met someone; I’m leaving. Usually ends the marriage quickly.
• Wake-Up Call: reveals unmet needs; can catalyze repair if both commit.
• Big Mistake: one-time lapse; repair is possible but requires full transparency.
• Push Out of the Closet: identity mismatch; the marriage you had is over, though kindness is still possible.
• Revenge: tit-for-tat that spirals; rarely yields clean resolution.

Marnie slept with her boss and tried to self-punish by giving up assets; Katy, Tom, and Natalya evolved into a same-sex pairing; Randy’s secret cross-dressing was the closet push that eventually toppled the union. Labeling the story clarifies prognosis and next moves.

Denial’s protective trap

Denial keeps you safe from pain—until it doesn’t. Theo caught Terry in the house, believed a garbage-disposal excuse, and only confronted reality when he walked in on the affair again. Sexton has seen 877-message phone bills between trainers and spouses, and even a text that read, Thanks so much for the sex! Glad my husband will never read this. When data contradicts the comforting story, choose reality.

Act fast and thoughtfully

Document facts: screenshots, bills, dates. Consider quiet counsel with a therapist or attorney before confrontation. Waiting can cost leverage and clarity. If you attempt repair, understand Sexton’s axiom: the old marriage is over. You must build a new one on radical transparency—full device access for a period, scheduled check-ins, therapy, and changes to routines that enabled secrecy.

Turning Point

An affair ends something. Your choice is whether it ends the relationship or ends the way you have been doing the relationship.

If you end it, end it well

Preserve dignity, especially with kids. Use structured letters and clear rules for co-parenting. Avoid weaponized intimacy—don’t dump adult pain on children or enlist them as allies. Sexton’s clients who handle endings with discipline are better able to reinvent and thrive afterward.

You will not be a perfect parent, and court will prove it. Sexton shows how ordinary lapses become ammunition under cross-exam. The antidote is honest consistency: align actions with professed values, track basics, and prepare for scrutiny without losing your mind.

How court reframes normal life

In the Michael Swanson cross, Sexton built agreement on principles—education matters—then exposed gaps: missed conferences, lateness when he was the overnight parent, not recalling a teacher’s gender. Small facts, harshly framed, undermine credibility. Expect this. Anything you’ve texted, posted, or casually said can be spun against you.

Practical parenting discipline

• Know the basics: teachers, dentists, medications, key dates. Put them in a shared doc.
• Show up where you say you care: if you claim school matters, attend—or own it honestly if you can’t.
• Document involvement: calendars, emails, and receipts are boring but persuasive.

Co-parent with letters and boundaries

Sexton favors written communication to de-escalate. Letters slow the fight and record agreements. Agree on exchange protocols, decision processes, and a conflict ladder—text first, then call, then mediator. Treat your co-parent like a colleague you respect, even when you don’t feel like it. Your kids will benefit, and so will any judge who reads your messages.

Reality Check

If you scrutinize them closely enough, every parent screws something up. Aim for consistent care, not sainthood.

Acceptance without resignation

Accept that you and your co-parent have limits; don’t weaponize them. Align on a baseline: safety, school, health, and kindness. Then forgive normal variance and focus on the child’s experience. Courts reward parents who act like adults under stress. Your kids reward parents who stay reliably present, not theatrically perfect.

(Note: Pair Sexton’s courtroom realism with gentle parenting resources. Legal competence and emotional warmth are complementary, not competing.)

If your marriage reaches court, skill and preparation beat moral outrage. Sexton’s stories are sobering: cases turn on tiny procedural moves, sloppy testimony, and careless digital trails. The time to protect yourself is long before trial—by communicating as if a judge could read it and by rehearsing like a professional when litigation looms.

Preparation isn’t optional

In Louie’s case before Judge Webster, the assigned counsel, Gabe, failed to lay a foundation for a photo of Candy’s injuries. Objection sustained, petition dismissed, and a man with a history of violence walked out advantaged. The merits mattered less than the craft. Sexton’s mantra: spend two days preparing for every one in court. Jacob ignored this, refused to rehearse, and then collapsed under yes-no precision questions while a Facebook status revealed he was in a relationship with Cheryl Miller.

Assume intimacy will be weaponized

Your spouse knows your habits and statements; opposing counsel will turn them into a map for cross. Even Chloe’s casual remark that Stuart’s company expanded to China became damaging testimony. Live with a simple filter: would I be comfortable if a judge read this text? That mental habit improves your communication at home and protects you in court.

What to prepare

• Facts and documents: dates, names, bank statements, screenshots. Organize exhibits and anticipate foundation questions—who took the photo, when, and how do you know?
• Testimony drills: practice concise, truthful answers under pressure. Avoid speeches; answer only what is asked.
• Digital hygiene: audit social profiles, lock privacy settings, stop posting innuendo, and archive relevant threads.

Trial Mindset

Give me seven hours to chop down a tree, I’ll spend six sharpening the ax.

Protect yourself before you need protection

Use the Yours, Mine, and Ours system so assets and debts aren’t mysteries. Keep records of parenting involvement. Communicate in writing on sensitive topics. If trouble arises, quietly consult counsel early to understand options and preserve evidence. The same habits that make a good marriage—clarity, documentation, kindness—make you a formidable litigant if it comes to that.

(Note: Sexton’s message isn’t cynical; it’s grown-up. Courts reward preparation and punish improvisation. Live accordingly.)