Happy Sexy Millionaire

Why do so many of us chase wealth, status, and admiration, only to find ourselves still feeling empty? Steven Bartlett’s Happy Sexy Millionaire: Unexpected Truths About Fulfilment, Love, and Success is both a confession and a corrective to that cultural delusion. Bartlett—known for his massive social media success and as host of The Diary of a CEO—reveals that achieving his childhood dream of being a rich, attractive entrepreneur didn’t bring the happiness he anticipated. Instead, it exposed how broken our collective idea of success has become.

This book is a manifesto for redefining fulfilment in an age that worships surface-level achievement. Bartlett candidly revisits his journey from a poverty-struck boy in Botswana and Devon to the multimillionaire founder of Social Chain—a firm valued near £200 million by the time he was 27. Despite the luxury, followers, and validation, he felt no greater inner contentment than when he was broke and hungry at 18. “Someone or something had lied to me,” he writes. His mission became to uncover the social and psychological lies that rob us of happiness even when we appear to ‘win.’

Three Kinds of Wealth

Bartlett redefines the book’s titular adjectives as central human goals distorted by modern culture. ‘Happy’ refers not to fleeting moods but to deep fulfilment—the enduring sense of alignment between who we are and what we do. ‘Sexy’ symbolizes love, connection, and our longing to be seen as lovable, not merely attractive. ‘Millionaire,’ finally, stands for success—our cultural shorthand for achievement and significance. The equation society sells us, that success + beauty + status = happiness, turns out to be fatally flawed. He argues these concepts only make sense when reordered from the inside out: fulfillment first, love second, then authentic success as a by-product.

A Generation Hijacked by Illusions

Writing with raw honesty, Bartlett indicts the forces that shape our ambitions—social media, celebrity culture, marketing, and the pursuit of external validation. He calls “bullshit” on the lie that our worth depends on likes, wealth, or the size of our audience. This generational crisis, he argues, is both biological and cultural: our ancient survival wiring to compare ourselves has been weaponized by modern algorithms. Platforms like Instagram feed the illusion that perfection is normal, while real connection decays. The result is a generation “fucked by false expectations,” drowning in anxiety, loneliness, and meaninglessness despite unprecedented comfort.

Unlearning the Happiness Equation

Much of the book is an act of unlearning—discarding the “destination mindset” that tells us happiness waits at some imagined finish line. Bartlett realized that he had been playing a finite game—believing life has winners and losers, deadlines and trophies—when, in fact, fulfilment is an infinite game. Like philosopher James Carse’s concept of “Infinite Games,” Bartlett sees happiness not as something you reach but something you participate in continually. We stop chasing fulfilment only when we recognize we’re already playing the only game that matters: living.

Why This Matters

In a world that floods us with highlight reels of other people’s success, Bartlett’s exploration returns us to first principles: happiness isn’t found in achievement but in presence; love isn’t won through perfection but through vulnerability; and success isn’t a status but a sustained alignment with purpose. The rest of the book unpacks how to rediscover these truths across different arenas of life—mindset, comparison, gratitude, relationships, career, and time. Through confessional stories, scientific research, and practical reframing, he urges readers to stop chasing external validation and “start living as if you were already enough.”

As you’ll discover in the chapters that follow, Bartlett turns his personal revelations into philosophical and pragmatic lessons: the trap of comparison, the healing power of gratitude, how to juggle meaning over materialism, why purpose beats passion, how to build resilience amid chaos, and what it means to live—and die—intentionally. His conclusion is both paradoxical and freeing: to become a true ‘happy sexy millionaire,’ you have to call off the search entirely.

Bartlett opens with a hard truth: most of us are living for a hypothetical future that never arrives. He divides life into two types of games—finite and infinite. The finite game has winners, losers, and an endpoint; the infinite game’s purpose is simply to continue playing. Yet nearly everyone treats life like a championship to ‘win’ rather than an experience to be lived. That mindset, he says, guarantees disappointment. You can’t win life; the game ends when you die.

From Destination to Presence

Happiness, or more accurately fulfilment, is an infinite state—it lives only in the present. The moment you attach happiness to future achievements—“I’ll be happy when I’m promoted, thinner, or married”—you postpone it indefinitely. True happiness demands that you drop the “destination mindset,” the toxic belief that joy lives somewhere else. This idea recalls teachings from Buddhism’s detachment theory and Eckhart Tolle’s The Power of Now, both of which stress that obsession with the future is the root of suffering.

Self-Worth as the Starting Line

The key to living in the “now,” Bartlett learns from therapist Marisa Peer, is recognizing you are already enough. Peer’s decades of therapy confirmed that nearly all human misery stems from one belief: “I am not enough.” When you internalize the opposite—when you know you are enough—you act not out of insecurity but out of self-respect. This isn’t passivity; it’s power. People who know they’re enough strive because they can, not because they need to prove anything. Babies cry for attention because they instinctively believe they deserve care—not because they’ve earned it. That’s our uncorrupted self-worth before society teaches us we lack something.

The Systems Profiting from Your Insecurity

Bartlett argues that whole industries depend on keeping us feeling inadequate. Consumerism, education, and social media all whisper the same message: “You’re not enough yet.” Corporations need your insecurity to sell you things. Schools promise fulfilment after more effort. Influencers maintain their relevance by broadcasting what you don’t have. The result? Even success addicts can’t rest, because the goalposts keep moving. Meaning gives way to materialism, and citizens trade depth for dopamine hits. What looks like freedom online often hides psychological imprisonment.

The Liberation of Enough

To call off the search, you must first see the search itself as the problem. Bartlett’s revelation—echoing Stoic thinkers like Epictetus—came when he realized that the belief “I am missing something” was the very source of unhappiness. When he stopped chasing external conditions for happiness, fulfilment became available immediately. “Happiness is now or never” isn’t a motivational slogan; it’s a description of reality. Any condition built on ‘then’ guarantees ‘never.’

“The paradox of happiness is that you must call off the search in order to find what you’ve been searching for.”

The chapter ends with an invitation and a warning: until you internalize your enoughness and reject the economy that thrives on your doubt, external success will only deepen the illusion. Ironically, true motivation—and sustainable achievement—start only when you stop striving to ‘arrive.’

When Bartlett says contrast is “great for survival, shit for happiness,” he’s summarizing a universal human flaw: our minds measure value by comparison, not by truth. Your prehistoric ancestor needed it to gauge safety—comparing one berry bush to another—but the same wiring now ensures your Instagram feed torments you. The CEO of your inner life, he jokes, is a lazy decision-maker who relies on shortcuts, assumptions, and endless comparisons. This ‘lazy CEO’ assesses worth not by intrinsic value but by relative standing—an algorithm shaped by social context.

From the Savannah to Social Media

Originally, relativity kept humans alive; today it keeps us anxious. Seeing someone richer, happier, or fitter activates survival-level instincts that tell you you’re failing. Bartlett’s teenage years illustrate this: as a poor black kid among wealthy white classmates, he felt inferior only because of his “context.” In Botswana his family would’ve been privileged, but relative to Devon suburbia, they were outcasts. Thus, your sense of enough will always depend on your chosen frame of reference. Social media expands that frame infinitely—so satisfaction becomes impossible.

The Kardashian Effect

In ‘Stop Keeping up with the Kardashians,’ Bartlett reframes social media as voluntary mental self-harm. Following hyper-edited influencers like Kylie Jenner convinces your mind that perfection is normal and that imperfection equals failure. He cites research showing these “upward social comparisons” breed jealousy and depression, while “downward comparisons” (feeling better than others) offer only fleeting relief. The solution isn’t pretending you won’t compare—you’re human—but consciously shaping your context. “Upgrade your library,” Bartlett writes. Unfollow fake accounts and follow creators who portray life honestly. Make your digital diet as intentional as your food diet.

From Envy to Empowerment

Bartlett’s practical antidote is gratitude—a theme that reappears throughout the book. Gratitude reprograms the brain’s comparison engine to look downward constructively, reminding you of how far you’ve come rather than how far you fall short. When he found £13 in a takeaway sofa during his broke years, he felt more joy than the day his company was sold for millions. The difference was context and appreciation. Practicing gratitude, he later found, releases dopamine and rewires your perception of enoughness, lowering materialism and raising generosity, as research from the Journal of Positive Psychology confirms.

In sum, the chapter dismantles the myth that comparison is motivational fuel. In Bartlett’s world—and in yours—it’s the opposite: endless comparison corrupts self-worth. The only legitimate race is between you yesterday and you today.

After wealth brought him no joy, Bartlett discovered what psychologists like Robert Emmons have long proven: gratitude is the single most reliable driver of lasting happiness. It turns the invisible into enough. The day his company hit a $200 million valuation, he felt nothing—until a song from his struggling past reignited memories of hardship and humility. Tears replaced apathy; fortune transformed into perspective. True wealth, he realized, begins with awareness of how far you’ve already come.

Science of Appreciation

Gratitude activates dopamine and strengthens neural pathways for positive emotion. Studies show that keeping a gratitude journal decreases materialism and increases generosity. During the COVID-19 pandemic, as death and fear filled our feeds, people naturally reevaluated priorities—buying luxury goods dropped while family appreciation soared. Gratitude offers the same recalibration intentionally. It weakens the brain’s compulsion to compare and reduces the emotional hunger that marketing exploits.

A Practical Habit

Bartlett instituted a ritual: every night and morning he writes one thing he’s grateful for—sometimes a name, sometimes a story. This 20-second act, he claims, transformed not just his mindset but his relationships. Gratitude shifted his daily narrative from ‘not enough’ to ‘more than enough.’ He calls it assigning “better responsibilities” to his lazy CEO brain: giving it real evidence for satisfaction rather than illusions to chase. He quotes the Stoics, who practiced similar exercises of “negative visualisation”—imagining life without what you have to reclaim its value.

Spiritual Echoes

Bartlett finds that religious traditions—and clergy who report the highest job satisfaction—understand this implicitly. Christianity, Islam, and other faiths embed constant gratitude into rituals because it nurtures belonging and humility. “There is no worship without gratitude,” he writes. For the secular reader, this isn’t about religion but perspective: acknowledging the human chain that brought you here—ancestors who struggled, strangers who contribute to your comfort, and present joys too easily overlooked. Such recognition cultivates grace.

“Be grateful, for gratitude can bring life to life—it can turn resentment to love and make you enough.”

Ultimately gratitude is rebellion. In a culture built on dissatisfaction, choosing appreciation is a radical act of freedom. Bartlett learned that when you feel grateful, you don’t need the Rolex or Range Rover to prove your worth—you already own the only currency that compounds happiness: perspective.

In the section ‘Creating Your Passion,’ Bartlett tackles one of the most toxic myths of modern self-help: “follow your passion.” He insists that passion isn’t discovered—it’s created through mastery, meaning, and contribution. Waiting to ‘find’ your calling is like waiting for love at first sight; it’s passive wishful thinking in an active world. You develop passion by doing meaningful, challenging work that balances autonomy, competence, and purpose—three pillars also central to Deci and Ryan’s Self-Determination Theory.

The Five Elements of a Dream Job

• Engagement: Work that absorbs your attention through clear goals, feedback, and variety—what Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi calls ‘flow.’
• Purpose: Tasks that help others trigger the “helper’s high,” a neurological rush of meaning and belonging.
• Mastery: Doing what you’re good at—or have the potential to excel in—builds “career capital,” the transferable skills that buy you future freedom.
• People: Never work with assholes, he warns; toxic colleagues destroy even great work.
• Harmony: Instead of chasing 'balance,’ design work–life harmony—a blend of professional ambition and emotional needs tailored to you.

Bartlett dismantles the extreme narratives of hustle culture (“you’re not working hard enough”) and anti-work escapism (“work is the enemy”). Work matters—but only if aligned with personal meaning. Freedom isn’t doing nothing; it’s doing what matters on your own terms. He quotes, “Work matters, but so does the rest of life.”

Intrinsic vs. Extrinsic Fuel

Bartlett warns that if your job is fueled solely by money or validation, your motivation will collapse once rewards fade—a phenomenon psychologists call the undermining effect. Real motivation, he writes later, comes from autonomy, mastery, connection, and self-respect, not applause. The best leaders, lovers, and creators act from inner conviction, not coercion. “Love does not seek to control or dominate,” he reminds readers—neither should your work.

Through this lens, success becomes less about competition and more about contribution—aligning effort with joy. By designing your career around meaning rather than milestones, you not only avoid burnout but also rediscover the infinite game of fulfilment that began the book.

Bartlett’s entrepreneurial stories anchor his lessons on composure. From his hacked-company crisis—where 80% of clients left overnight—to heartbreak and public scrutiny, he argues that resilience isn’t about avoidance but about attitude. Life’s chaos is inevitable; your reaction is optional. He likens emotional regulation to “keeping your plane in the air.” When anger or panic hijack your cockpit, you crash. Awareness, delay, and reason keep you flying.

Respond, Don’t React

In high-stakes moments, emotion eclipses intelligence. Bartlett recalls nearly sending a vindictive message after feeling betrayed by a romantic partner, a move prevented only by a friend’s intervention. The next morning, he saw clearly: the pain wasn’t rejection itself but the false story rejection triggered—“Maybe I’m not enough.” Self-esteem mediates all emotional turbulence. Thus, resilience begins with self-understanding. “If you want to avoid the same mistake twice,” he writes, “make more decisions from memory, not from emotion.”

The Fire Drill of Chaos

During the email-hack catastrophe, Bartlett stayed calm and lost no time to blame. Instead of asking “why me?” he focused on triage and communication, leading his team with optimism. The metaphorical lesson: when your room’s on fire, don’t shout “fire”—find the exit. Victimhood fuels paralysis; responsibility fuels action. Chaos reveals character, and leadership thrives on composure more than control.

“You are not what happens to you; you are how you handle it.”

The most powerful people, Bartlett concludes—citing Barack Obama’s 51% rule for decision making—accept uncertainty rather than fear it. Like spider monkeys swinging through the forest, you must let go of one branch before you can grab the next. Life rewards those willing to embrace uncertainty’s brief free fall, not cling to suffering out of comfort.

In one of the book’s most meditative chapters, Bartlett visualizes life as a roulette table with 500,000 chips—one for each waking hour you’ll likely live. Every hour you place a chip, never to retrieve it. Time is the only currency that matters, and most people gamble it unconsciously on distractions masquerading as urgency. If you could see your sand timer draining, he asks, would you really spend hours scrolling, pleasing others, or chasing possessions? Probably not. Mortality isn’t morbid—it’s motivational.

Focus and Sacrifice

The chapter draws on Stoic thinkers like Seneca and modern sages like Steve Jobs, who urged Stanford graduates to “remember you will die.” The awareness of finitude clarifies priorities: choose only mountains worth climbing. Ask yourself, “How would the person I want to become spend their time?” To say yes to what matters, you must say no—often ruthlessly—to what doesn’t. Bartlett calls this becoming “a master of no.” Every distraction dilutes your legacy; every hour aligned multiplies it.

Redefining Wealth as Freedom

For Bartlett, wealth is the autonomy to use his hours intentionally. He began outsourcing tasks—cleaning, scheduling—not to boast but to buy back time for creation, loved ones, and rest. He quotes investor Naval Ravikant: “Set a high personal hourly rate and stick to it. No one will value your time more than you.” True prosperity isn’t owning more things but owning your time. As your sand runs out, your only mission is to gamble it wisely—on experiences, relationships, and acts aligned with your intrinsic values.

His parting challenge echoes the Stoics and modern minimalists alike: if you lived with your sand timer visible, what—or who—would you stop wasting it on today?

In the book’s emotional conclusion, Bartlett revisits his 18-year-old diary where he wrote goals like “Range Rover, millionaire, sexy body.” He attained them all—and realized none of it changed how he felt inside. The real discovery was that nothing external could complete what was never incomplete. Happiness was not hiding behind wealth; it had been waiting behind awareness. His message to his former self—and to you—is simple: you were already enough.

From Fixing to Flourishing

Most self-improvement begins with self-rejection. We chase transformation because we think something’s broken. Bartlett reverses that logic: when you act from the premise that you are enough, self-improvement becomes self-expression, not repair. Real ambition stems from abundance, not inadequacy. The pursuit of fulfilment doesn’t mean wanting nothing; it means wanting honestly.

The Paradox of Contented Growth

How can you be enough yet want more? Because growth and gratitude aren’t opposites—they’re partners. To grow from fullness is to create without desperation; to chase success for validation is to multiply emptiness. “Striving to be a happy sexy millionaire,” he writes, “was the very thing stopping me from becoming one.” Once he stopped seeking worth in status, success followed naturally—achievement as a side effect of alignment.

“Sometimes you have to call off the search to find everything you’ve been searching for.”

He closes with a redefinition of success that would make the Buddha and Brené Brown nod in agreement: success is living in truth with yourself. Worth isn’t achieved; it’s remembered. Once you live from that knowing, wealth, love, and meaning are no longer things to chase—they’re reflections of who you already are.