Getting More

How do you get more when people don’t seem to listen, or when logic fails to persuade? In Getting More, Stuart Diamond argues that negotiation is not about power, logic, or winning—it’s about people. Every outcome depends on understanding others’ perceptions, managing emotion, setting precise goals, and trading value creatively. Diamond’s central claim: you get more not by fighting harder but by thinking humanly—by using empathy, standards, preparation, and incremental problem-solving to make agreements feel safe and rational for everyone involved.

Negotiation is part of everyday life: buying a car, persuading your boss, calming your child, or navigating public conflicts. Diamond shows that the same habits—clarifying what you want, listening to how others see the world, paying emotional attention, and structuring small steps—work across contexts from corporate deals to family disagreements. The book teaches a systematic, people-first framework that replaces aggression with curiosity, improvisation with structure, and uncertainty with incremental progress.

Goals and Structure: The Core Compass

Negotiators often lose sight of what they truly want. Diamond begins with a deceptively simple discipline: ask, “What do I want at the end of this conversation that I don’t have now?” Angela Arnold used that question to help her father recover from a stroke—his goal was not abstract health, but the concrete desire to walk his dog, Ringo. When she anchored every conversation on that objective, he regained motivation and completed therapy. Goals organize attention; without them, emotions, pride, and distraction take over. Precision—like asking for a “10% increase by July 1 with a review after six months”—eliminates ambiguity and helps both sides know when success occurs.

Diamond then translates goal discipline into preparation. Preparation is not rote research; it’s empathy in advance. Dena’s cultural marriage plan succeeded because she rehearsed tone, role reversal, and sequence weeks before approaching her mother. She planned how to meet emotional needs first, then addressed facts. Preparation converts negotiation from guessing to performing.

Perceptions and Empathy: Seeing Their Picture

Logic often fails because others live in different pictures of reality. Diamond calls these “the pictures in their heads.” When John Bowman helped end the Writers Guild strike, he began by asking studio executives questions and commiserating about losses rather than listing demands. By meeting their picture first—people under pressure, losing money—he reopened talks. When you summarize others’ views in your own words and test for accuracy, you validate them and earn the right to persuade. Conversations shift from defensive to constructive.

This principle extends to culture. Cross-cultural success comes from understanding identity and perception, not race or dress. In Bolivia’s banana project, Diamond co-founded a replacement for coca farming by studying what mattered to growers—stable prices, dignity, and trust—and adjusting structure accordingly. When negotiations failed elsewhere, cultural blindness was always the cause.

Emotions, Incrementalism, and Trust

People can’t think when upset. Diamond introduces “emotional payments”—small gestures like apology, validation, or listening—that calm emotions and reopen logic. Lisa Stephens helped her terrified daughter go to the hospital by asking affirming questions—“Would Mommy ever do anything to hurt you?”—turning panic into trust. Diamond distinguishes empathy from emotion: empathy helps others feel heard; emotion clouds judgment. Negotiation becomes possible only after emotional temperature cools.

Once calm arrives, Diamond favors incremental steps over large compromises. Camilla Cho requested partial involvement in finance and strategy rather than full-job transfer, earning trust and growth. Incrementalism shrinks risk and turns abstract intention into observable progress. Trust emerges from consistency, not grand gestures.

Trading Unequal Values and Using Standards

Negotiations progress when you trade what costs little for what others value highly. Larry Stillman’s multimillion-dollar paper contract hinged on four basketball tickets—worth little to him, worth much to his client. Whether in homes or corporations, trading low-cost intangibles (status, introductions, schedules) transforms rigid contests into creative collaboration. Money is only one currency; reputation, time, and validation often matter more.

When logic or trade fails, standards offer legitimacy. You can ask, “Is it your policy to…?” instead of accusing. Kenneth Reyes cited Verizon’s service standards when his bills kept failing, and the company waived late fees. Standards depersonalize reform; they appeal to consistency and fairness rather than confrontation. Governments and corporations alike respond when you invoke their own written promises.

The Problem-Solving Model and Broader Application

Diamond’s Four-Quadrant Model turns these principles into a practical checklist: define problems and goals, analyze perceptions, brainstorm incremental options, and plan concrete action. It’s negotiation as deliberate process rather than improvisation. When Latvian ministers tested it over coffee, role-reversal simulation generated solutions faster than debate had for months. Structure gives control; empathy gives insight.

From workplaces to public disputes, the same formula scales. In families, giving children choices and small trades teaches fairness. In corporations, allies and coalitions protect jobs. In global conflicts, communication and pilot programs replace ideology. Diamond’s humane pragmatism—focus on people, start small, use empathy and standards—builds results across levels of complexity.

“You don’t get more by power. You get more by understanding people and managing process.”

Diamond’s message reframes negotiation from argument to empathy, from competition to creative problem-solving.

When you apply these tools—clarity of goals, insight into perceptions, emotional intelligence, standards, and structured preparation—you shift from reaction to design. Negotiation becomes not a test of strength but a craft of human connection. Diamond’s enduring insight is simple: look through the other person’s lens, define your goal precisely, and move together in small steps. From there, you can get more—in business, family, and life.

Successful negotiation starts with defining what you actually want. Diamond insists that goals are the compass guiding every choice. They bring clarity when emotions erupt and discipline when distractions arise. Without defined goals, conversations drift toward ego and blame.

Specify and Check Constantly

Vague goals such as “a raise” or “better terms” lead to confusion. Precise goals like “a 10% raise by July with a review at six months” create benchmarks. Before the Wharton vice president’s meeting, executives discovered their fourteen corporate goals contradicted each other—a cautionary tale of the cost of vagueness. Writing goals forces alignment and accountability.

Review goals as negotiations evolve. Emotional tides and new facts often shift direction. Angela Arnold’s father’s recovery hinged on revisiting his goal—walking Ringo—whenever frustration hit. If goals change, adapt the path, not just the tone.

Ask Focused Questions

The simplest way to uncover goals—yours or theirs—is to ask, “What do you want at the end of this conversation that you don’t have now?” Answers, tone, and hesitation reveal motives. Rayenne Chen used this principle when nearly missing a flight: instead of arguing fault, she asked who could solve her problem—the pilot—and got aboard. Clarity turns chaos into direction.

“If you don’t write down your goal, you negotiate by accident.”

Diamond warns against letting emotion or rhetoric replace purpose; disciplined goals are the antidote.

Precise goals deliver clarity, adaptability, and realism. They also remind you that negotiation is not about proving rightness—it’s about moving closer to what you actually want. In disciplined goal-setting, small questions yield large results.

To change minds, you must first see through others’ eyes. Diamond’s signature concept—“pictures in their heads”—explains why logic alone fails. Whether in a courtroom (as with the O.J. Simpson case) or a family argument, perceptions determine what people can hear. Discovering those perceptions, respecting them, and then shifting them incrementally is more effective than shouting facts.

Role Reversal and Validation

Deliberately put yourself in the other party’s shoes. Ask: who pressures them, who judges them, what fears shape their stance? John Bowman did this with studio executives during the Writers Guild strike—asking questions and empathizing, not leading with demands. When you state their view in your words and ask if it’s correct, they feel respected and begin to listen.

Use Summaries and Questions

Open-ended questions like “What are you thinking about this?” uncover motivations and hidden pictures. Summarizing back their answers serves two goals: clarifying understanding and signaling respect. If your summary misses something, their correction reveals more insight.

Account for Third Parties

Organizations rarely have unified minds. Anand Iyer learned his client’s claim that “the company rejected his fees” was fiction—it was specific managers wanting PR help. You must ask who else influences the decision: boards, bosses, peers, voters. Perception networks often matter more than stated authority.

When you start with perception, emotions diffuse and facts gain context. Negotiation becomes a guided conversation through their reality, not a contest over yours.

Emotion decides whether anyone listens. Diamond’s concept of emotional payments—small gestures that soothe, validate, or express empathy—turns tension into collaboration. They cost little but yield clear thinking. Without emotional balance, reason fails.

Distinguish Empathy from Emotion

Emotion overwhelms, empathy connects. You can be dispassionate and compassionate simultaneously. Lisa Stephens used simple reassurance with her panicked child to restore trust: “Does Mommy love you?” Reassurance, not rational argument, opened communication.

Keep It Sincere and Timely

Emotional payments should be brief and genuine—apology, validation, or a gesture that recognizes their struggle. Sharon Walker’s family conflict eased when she listened and aligned actions with her mother’s desire for legacy. Empathy reframed pain as purpose.

Protect Against Manipulation

Beware staged emotional ploys like “good cop / bad cop.” They may gain momentary advantage but destroy trust. If you sense manipulation, name it gently to restore balance: “I want to keep this productive—are we playing roles here?”

“When people are emotional, they can’t listen. Calm them first.”

Diamond’s insight reframes empathy as strategic clarity, not weakness.

Emotional payments are ethical tools to restore logic. When people feel heard, they stop defending and start thinking. The real currency of negotiation is respect.

Negotiation thrives on asymmetry—what you value little might mean everything to the other party. Diamond calls this trading unequal value items: low-cost for you, high-value for them. These trades transform stalemates into agreements without money changing hands.

Find Hidden Currencies

Beyond cash, intangibles include time, status, introductions, or scheduling. Larry Stillman traded four basketball tickets worth little to him but priceless to a customer—unlocking millions in business. Christopher Kelly offered MBA sponsorship and a title instead of more pay and closed a hire.

Ask What They Value

Ask questions to uncover unseen needs. Brad Oberwager earned a brand deal by offering watermelon growers stickers—nearly zero cost, high prestige. Aravind Immaneni traded solving audits for staffing approval, satisfying his counterpart's pain point.

Apply It Everywhere

Families and workplaces respond the same way: let kids choose movies for chores, or swap flexible hours for productivity gains. You expand the pie by recognizing diverse definitions of value.

Once you see that money is only one measure, creativity takes over. By designing trades around perception and asymmetry, you get more and give less—ethically.

Standards and framing give legitimacy to persuasion. Diamond teaches that when someone hides behind policy or custom, you can redirect their behavior by appealing to their own publicly stated norms. Framing complements this by connecting your request to what they already value.

Use Standards as Leverage

Ask, “Is it your policy to…?” It transforms resistance into self-examination. Kenneth Reyes invoked Verizon’s standards to fix billing errors; Hermès wrapped a sale item after being reminded of its own gift-wrap rules. Standards depersonalize conflict—they move focus from emotion to fairness.

Frame Requests Through Their Values

Framing presents your ask as already aligned with their priorities. A young woman in Tokyo framed her role as representing future profit and international potential, not as a cultural mismatch. She won respect by fitting her request inside their business story. Dena’s wedding negotiation succeeded because she framed cross-cultural marriage as family pride.

Preparation Ties It Together

Preparation means anticipating standards and rehearsing tone. Mehul Trivedi’s tailored interviews earned twelve finals after eighteen rejections—proof that framing and preparation convert chance into control.

Standards offer legitimacy; framing delivers empathy. Combined, they make your case sound reasonable to others, even before you speak.

You rarely negotiate alone. Allies, intermediaries, and coalitions multiply credibility and reduce perceived risk. Diamond treats third parties as “credibility multipliers.” They translate intentions into acceptable action within organizations and across cultures.

Identify the Influencers

Map who advises decision-makers—treasurers, internal veterans, respected intermediaries. Ram Vittal’s green-card processing succeeded because a vice president who knew precedent intervened. The Tokyo consultant relied on a bilingual American manager as a cultural bridge—trust flowed through him.

Form Coalitions for Protection and Growth

The Wharton graduate who quietly built allies across departments protected her job during layoffs. Coalitions turn isolated employees into indispensable networks. Third-party testimonials, alumni support, and customer groups can all sway organizational policy.

Use Their Language

Ask allies to present your case using internal standards—profit, mission, or policy consistency. It reframes emotion into institutional logic. This tactic also shines in cross-cultural and public negotiations, where trusted local voices carry more credibility than distant leaders.

When you add third parties strategically, you amplify trust and reduce risk. Negotiation becomes collaborative rather than adversarial—moving faster and sticking longer.

Diamond’s Four-Quadrant Model turns theory into a checklist for control. The quadrants—Problems and Goals, Situation Analysis, Options and Risk Reduction, and Actions—organize preparation, perception, creativity, and execution. Run through them, and you see blind spots before real negotiations begin.

Quadrant I: Clarify Problems and Goals

Start by identifying goals, stakeholders, decision-makers, and fallback plans. At Google, Eric Holck discovered that legal-sales tension was actually about trust—not contract clauses—after using this quadrant’s structure. Problems often hide beneath personalities.

Quadrant II: Analyze the Situation

List perceptions, needs, intangibles, and standards. Map communication channels. In culture-based cases, this means recording each side’s identity references (family, profession, etc.).

Quadrant III: Brainstorm Incremental Options

Think small. Break big risk into testable steps. Pilot programs and partial agreements build trust and evidence. Creativity emerges when risk shrinks.

Quadrant IV: Execute with Precision

Decide presenters, set agendas, and confirm commitments using their preferred forms—emails, contracts, or ceremonies. A single forgotten step in this quadrant can collapse confidence, so specify next actions.

“Negotiation without a checklist is negotiation you cannot control.”

Diamond’s model replaces improvisation with repeatable process.

Systematic problem-solving ensures preparation, empathy, creativity, and follow-through. It’s a road map that turns potential chaos into designed cooperation.

Culture matters—because it shapes perception and identity. Diamond moves beyond stereotypes by defining culture as “who people identify with today.” You negotiate not with categories, but with identities and trust patterns.

See Culture as Dynamic Identity

Shared language or skin color doesn’t equal shared values. Ask whom your counterpart listens to—a family elder, profession, or faith leader. Understanding those influences lets you tailor appeals realistically. The Chapare banana farmers responded to trust and reputation, not ideology.

Communicate in Their Frame

Begin with relationships. Jumping straight to contracts can appear rude. In the Writers Guild case, Bowman reopened talks by speaking about feelings and losses before proposals. Communication starts where their culture starts—trust before transaction.

Use Local Standards

Promises vary: in Nigeria, public endorsement may outweigh documents; in China, financing structures speak louder than signatures. To bridge cultures, recruit intermediaries fluent in both systems.

Seeing culture as identity expands empathy across borders and prevents misunderstanding. With humility and adaptation, you can turn diversity into negotiation advantage.

Diamond closes by showing that his people-first method applies everywhere—from family dinners to nations in conflict. Whether negotiating with children or managing international peacebuilding, the same formula works: listen, empathize, reduce fear, act in small steps.

Family and Everyday Practice

Treat children as partners. Ask questions, let them make choices, and link decisions to consequences. John Murray’s daughter brushed teeth happily when given choice of toothpaste and a small reward. It’s training in negotiation, not bribery. When families role-reverse—parents play kids, kids play parents—empathy is learned naturally.

Workplace and Marketplace

At work, combine coalitions, standards, and trades to build career stability. Ranjit Bhosale’s incremental pilot reduced risk and won a $14M project. In markets, appealing to standards and connecting personally yields discounts and upgrades. Kenneth Reyes and Cleo Zagrean used friendliness and evidence, not confrontation, to win rewards.

Public Conflicts and Scaling Up

For war or reform, start with communication and basic needs. Feed people, create small joint ventures, and use credible local mediators. Diamond’s principle: large peace demands often fail, small trust-building pilots succeed. Negotiation scales down ideology into solvable human needs.

From home to global scale, one pattern repeats: empathy first, goals second, structure third. Getting More is not about outsmarting others—it’s about designing humane systems that work predictably across human diversity.