Getting Along

Why is it that one difficult coworker can ruin your entire workday, even if most of your colleagues are fine? In Getting Along: How to Work with Anyone (Even Difficult People), Amy Gallo argues that professional success and well-being depend less on job tasks and more on the quality of our relationships at work. The central claim of her book is simple but profound: if you can learn to understand, navigate, and manage difficult people, you can thrive—personally and professionally—even in toxic or tense environments.

Gallo contends that workplace relationships—whether supportive or exasperating—shape engagement, creativity, stress, and even physical health. Ignoring relationship problems doesn’t make them disappear; it just magnifies the stress and corrodes team morale. Instead of reacting reflexively or hoping others will change, she urges readers to develop interpersonal resilience: the emotional skill to stay grounded, empathetic, and strategic even when others behave badly.

Why Relationships Matter More Than We Think

Early in her career, Gallo discovered firsthand how a challenging boss could dominate her thoughts and drain her energy well beyond working hours. Studies she cites show that 94% of employees have worked with toxic colleagues and 87% say team culture suffered as a result. These statistics highlight an uncomfortable truth—you’re almost guaranteed to encounter frustrating personalities at work. Relationships aren’t peripheral to your job; they are the foundation for happiness, productivity, and creativity.

Drawing on decades of research from psychology, neuroscience, and organizational behavior, Gallo proves that positive relationships can boost engagement, reduce stress, and increase performance. Conversely, negative interactions hinder creativity, make people less productive, and even trigger physical ailments like high blood pressure or heart disease. So, rather than dismissing relational conflict as inevitable, she argues we must become skilled at handling it. This shift marks a crucial mindset change: seeing relationship management not as "office politics" but as an essential professional competency.

The Brain in Conflict

One distinctive insight in Gallo’s framework is how our brains sabotage us during conflict. When we feel attacked—say, in an email exchange or a tense meeting—our amygdala triggers the fight-or-flight response, hijacking rational thinking. This is what Daniel Goleman (author of Emotional Intelligence) calls an "amygdala hijack." Stress hormones flood the body, narrowing our perspective and intensifying negativity bias—the tendency to fixate on negative events. A snide comment suddenly overshadows all the positive feedback we received that week.

Gallo invites you to pause and create a mental space between stimulus and response. She echoes psychiatrist Viktor Frankl’s famous idea: in that space lies our freedom to choose a wiser reaction. Observing your own reactions, reappraising situations, and even allowing time for emotions to cool can restore clarity. This self-awareness, she notes, is the foundation for working intelligently with difficult people.

The Eight Archetypes of Difficult Colleagues

To make her advice concrete, Gallo identifies eight recurring archetypes found in nearly every organization. They include the insecure boss, the pessimist, the victim, the passive-aggressive peer, the know-it-all, the tormentor (a mentor turned bully), the biased coworker, and the political operator. You will likely recognize at least one of these in your own office—and perhaps in yourself. Each archetype has distinct motivations and patterns of behavior, and understanding them allows you to choose targeted strategies instead of one-size-fits-all fixes.

Her archetype approach functions like a map of workplace personalities, helping you analyze what drives their behavior. For instance, insecurity breeds micromanagement; pessimism often stems from anxiety; and passive-aggressive behavior reflects fear of conflict. By diagnosing these root causes, you can respond with empathy rather than frustration.

Principles for Getting Along with Anyone

Beyond individual personalities, Gallo distills nine core principles for navigating any relationship: focus on what you can control, accept that your perspective isn’t the only one, recognize your biases, avoid the “me versus them” mentality, rely on empathy, define clear goals, resist gossip, experiment with tactics, and stay curious. These principles transform relationship management into a repeatable skill—one grounded in awareness, experimentation, and compassion.

For example, empathy and curiosity can help you see that your tormentor isn't evil but perhaps under extreme pressure. Experimenting with responses allows small shifts—a phrase, a boundary, or a pause—that gradually reshape dynamics. Gallo encourages you to view every interpersonal challenge as an experiment in resilience, not a personal failure.

The Larger Promise of Interpersonal Resilience

Ultimately, Gallo’s message is hopeful. You cannot control others—but you can control your mindset, actions, and boundaries. Building interpersonal resilience doesn’t merely help you survive conflict; it enhances emotional intelligence and leadership. These are transferable skills that will serve you everywhere—from performance reviews to family discussions.

Key Takeaway

Workplace relationships matter as much as competence. Understanding how your brain reacts to conflict, recognizing patterns in difficult people, and aligning your responses with empathy and clear goals can turn even fraught dynamics into sources of growth. As Gallo reminds us, “We can all have stronger and healthier relationships at work.”

Gallo begins with a simple admission many professionals make: “It’s just work.” Yet she quickly dismantles that notion. Work isn’t just about tasks or paychecks—it’s the stage where our identities, egos, and emotions play out. Every day we search for meaning, belonging, and validation. Since most of us spend more time with coworkers than with family, these connections determine not only how productive we are but how fulfilled we feel.

The Hidden Cost of Neglecting Relationships

Ignoring strained relationships can silently drain energy. Gallo recounts how one scientist endured twelve years under a passive-aggressive boss, and how the resulting stress likely shortened his life. Research backs this up: negative relationships increase anxiety, undermine performance, and even harm physical health. When we are insulted or excluded, our brains register it like physical pain.

Christine Porath’s studies on workplace incivility show startling figures: 98% of employees have encountered rude behavior, and many intentionally reduce their effort, time, and quality because of mistreatment. People exposed to rudeness make 20% less accurate decisions and are 15% less effective in team procedures. The ripple effect is enormous—one toxic person can demoralize an entire department.

Friendship and Human Connection at Work

While some view workplace friendships as unprofessional, Gallo argues they’re essential. Research from Gallup shows that employees who have a best friend at work are seven times more engaged, produce higher-quality work, and are less likely to burn out. Work friendships act as emotional buffers, helping us perceive challenges as surmountable. As psychologist Vivek Murthy notes in Together, relationships fuel resilience and cognitive functioning—teams of friends perform better because trust reduces anxiety.

Gallo’s own experience mirrors this. When her colleague Gretchen sent her a candle during the pandemic, she began lighting it daily as a ritual of connection. It reminded her that someone cared, a small act that improved focus and calm. Such gestures prove that emotional support doesn’t need to be large-scale—it’s the simple moments of kindness that keep us stable amid chaos.

The Double-Edged Sword of Relationships

Of course, not all relationships are uplifting. Gallo examines how ambivalent ones—people who are friendly some days and hurtful others—can be even more damaging than openly negative ties. The unpredictability breeds stress and vigilance. One colleague, “Tara,” veered daily between support and sabotage, leaving Gallo constantly anxious about which version would show up. Ambivalence, she warns, is more exhausting than consistent conflict.

Relationships as Strategic Investments

From a performance standpoint, teams with strong relationships outperform others by up to 70%. Relationship quality predicts creativity, engagement, and retention more than technical skill alone. Every email, meeting, and hallway exchange either strengthens or weakens these bonds. Because negative relationships have four to seven times greater impact on our well-being than positive ones, Gallo insists that improving difficult dynamics is worth the effort.

Key Takeaway

Work isn’t “just work.” Our happiness hinges on how we connect, communicate, and coexist. Strong relationships propel success; toxic ones consume health and morale. Attending to these bonds—especially the tricky ones—is one of the smartest investments you can make in your career.

When you obsess over an irritating email or replay a tense meeting at 3 a.m., you’re not losing your mind—your brain is doing what it evolved to do. In this chapter, Gallo explains how physiological processes trick us into getting stuck in workplace friction. Understanding these mechanisms helps you regain composure and act strategically rather than react impulsively.

Amygdala Hijack and Negativity Bias

Conflict activates the amygdala, our brain’s fear center. Whether you’re facing a micromanaging boss or a passive-aggressive email, your body interprets it as threat. Adrenaline and cortisol flood your system, narrowing attention and triggering fight-or-flight behaviors. You might lash out, withdraw, or stew for hours. This is what Daniel Goleman calls “amygdala hijack.” Rational thinking shuts down as emotional impulses take over.

Negativity bias compounds the problem. Our brains overweight negative experiences—one rude comment outweighs a day’s worth of praise. Gallo illustrates this with her memory of a single criticism buried in an otherwise glowing performance review—an example of how our minds cling to perceived threats.

The Stories We Tell Ourselves

Conflict often drives us to create narratives that feel true but distort reality. When her colleague looked away during a Zoom call, Gallo assumed he was ignoring her, only to learn he was accepting pancakes from his son. She calls this “premature cognitive commitment”—our brains make quick judgments to save effort but often misread intentions. Recognizing this tendency invites more curiosity and less certainty in disagreements.

Reappraisal and Mental Space

Psychologist Viktor Frankl’s insight—between stimulus and response lies choice—is central to Gallo’s methods. Creating a mental pause lets you reappraise situations instead of reacting emotionally. Reframing turns “my boss hates me” into “my boss is under pressure; how can I support while protecting myself?” Alice Boyes (author of The Anxiety Toolkit) explains that emotions extinguish naturally over time; if you give space, intensity fades. Sleep, hydration, and reflection all expand that gap between trigger and reaction.

Learning to Monitor Stress

Gallo offers a simple self-check: Am I hydrated? Hungry? Sleep-deprived? Overloaded? Stress depletes mental resources, making you more reactive. Taking care of physical needs first helps restore cognitive control. Neuroscientist Lisa Feldman Barrett’s research confirms that depleted “body budgets” amplify emotional volatility—even words can feel physically painful when we’re burned out.

Key Takeaway

Your brain treats workplace tension like physical danger, hijacking logic and magnifying negativity. By observing reactions, reappraising stories, and tending to stress, you create space for smarter responses. Emotional self-awareness is the gateway to productive conflict management.

To make workplace conflict tangible, Gallo introduces eight archetypes representing distinct patterns of bad behavior. Each embodies a psychological root, from insecurity to bias. Understanding these types helps you diagnose problems and choose specific strategies rather than lumping everyone together as a “jerk.”

The Insecure Boss

Micromanaging, credit-stealing, and paranoia define this archetype. Gallo’s case of Aiko and her overbearing manager Cora shows how self-doubt morphs into control. The cure: empathize with their pressure, share credit generously, and maintain documentation. Gratitude and transparency calm insecurity more effectively than confrontation.

The Pessimist and the Victim

A pessimist insists “this will never work,” while a victim laments “why does this always happen to me?” Both drain group energy. Gallo turns their negativity into usefulness by reframing it as risk awareness—assign them the “disagreer-in-chief” role to constructively critique ideas. Encouraging small actions restores their sense of agency, moving them from complaint to contribution.

The Passive-Aggressive Peer

This coworker resists indirectly through sarcasm or missed deadlines. Malik’s struggle with Susan illustrates classic denial and manipulation. Gallo advises focusing on facts and agreements, not emotions. Clear documentation, direct requests, and team norms of accountability reduce their leverage.

The Know-It-All and the Tormentor

Know-it-alls monopolize discussions to showcase expertise; tormentors, often senior figures, justify cruelty as “character building.” With both, humility disarms arrogance. Asking for data or advice shifts power dynamics. Gallo’s case of Julia and her boss Celeste shows that even tormentors respond to acknowledgment of their past sacrifices when paired with assertive boundaries.

The Biased Coworker and Political Operator

Bias—racial, gendered, or generational—often hides behind “helpful” remarks. Gallo distinguishes between intent and impact: challenge stereotypes with curiosity (“What made you say that?”) and share factual context calmly. The political operator, by contrast, schemes for power and credit. Ethical self-promotion, collaboration, and transparency protect you from manipulation.

Key Takeaway

Each archetype expresses a different psychological need—security, control, recognition, or belonging. Mapping their motives allows empathy without naivety. Instead of reacting, you can tailor your responses to turn harmful patterns into manageable interactions.

After dissecting archetypes, Gallo shifts to universal practices for handling any workplace relationship. These nine principles summarize her philosophy of emotional intelligence in action.

1. Focus on What You Can Control

You cannot transform your coworker’s personality, but you can decide how you respond. Reframe conflict as choice: “What can I do differently?” Paola, confronting a stubborn subordinate, focused on consistent feedback rather than persuasion—a lesson in agency over frustration.

2–3. Challenge Perspective and Bias

Recognize that your truth is partial and shaped by bias. The social psychology concepts of naïve realism and confirmation bias reveal how easily we distort motives. Gallo suggests the “flip it to test it” exercise—ask if you’d interpret behavior differently if the person were of another gender or race—to uncover hidden prejudice.

4–6. Shift from "Me vs. Them" to Shared Goals

Polarization turns colleagues into opponents. Instead, focus on the dynamic as the problem, not the person. Empathy and goal clarity transform tension into collaboration. Writing down objectives—improving teamwork, minimizing stress—keeps actions intentional.

7–9. Experiment, Resist Gossip, and Stay Curious

Treat each conflict as an experiment: test new approaches, measure results, adjust. Curiosity reframes friction as learning. Gossip, however tempting, amplifies negativity and confirmation bias. Choose constructive allies instead of echo chambers.

Key Takeaway

These principles are not rules but habits of thought—control yourself, test your assumptions, choose empathy, experiment bravely, and stay curious. Practiced daily, they transform conflict from chaos into a catalyst for growth.

Even with the best intentions, some relationships remain toxic. Gallo’s final chapters emphasize self-protection—setting boundaries, documenting behavior, and caring for your emotional health.

Setting Boundaries and Limiting Exposure

Boundaries aren’t avoidance; they’re clarity. Therapist Nedra Tawwab describes them as “expectations that help you feel safe.” Gallo’s “two-minute drill” encourages quick, purposeful interactions with volatile colleagues. Engineer Sebastian used relational crafting—choosing collaborators and minimizing contact—to preserve sanity. Even small adjustments like favoring email over meetings can restore control.

Documenting, Escalating, and Exiting

Track incidents objectively: time, place, and actions. This builds evidence if you must involve management or HR. Gallo cautions that HR protects the company more than individuals, so escalate strategically and factually. If nothing changes, quitting is valid self-care, not failure. As Bob Sutton (author of The No Asshole Rule) notes, grit is overrated when surviving toxicity—sometimes leaving is the wiser form of courage.

Self-Care and Resilience

Self-care is not indulgence; it’s maintenance. Gallo recommends focus on “controllables”—sleep, nutrition, exercise, and supportive relationships. Take breaks to vent safely, journal frustrations, and build positive “microcultures” with allies who model respect. Self-compassion researcher Kristen Neff’s three principles—awareness, common humanity, and kindness—offer emotional grounding. Remember: “Sometimes people will be mad at you … and that’s OK.”

Key Takeaway

If reconciliation fails, protect your time, health, and dignity. Boundaries, documentation, and self-care ensure you remain resilient when relationships cannot be repaired. Sometimes thriving means walking away—but always with self-respect.