DBT Made Simple

Have you ever felt like your emotions take over your life—when one small event sends you plummeting into anger, shame, or intense sadness? Surviving the Emotional Rollercoaster by Sheri Van Dijk offers a compassionate guide for anyone, especially teens, who struggles with overwhelming emotions. Drawing from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), a method originally developed by Marsha Linehan, Van Dijk teaches readers how to bring balance, awareness, and acceptance into the chaos of emotional dysregulation. Her main argument is simple but profound: emotions aren’t the problem—our relationship to them is. If you learn to understand, accept, and manage your emotions, you can step out of the passenger seat of your life and finally become the driver.

Van Dijk begins by exploring why some people experience emotions more intensely than others. According to the biosocial theory central to DBT, emotional dysregulation stems from a combination of biology (inherent emotional sensitivity) and environment (invalidating surroundings). When someone who is naturally sensitive is repeatedly told their emotions are wrong or overblown, they lose trust in their own inner experience. The result is often a deep sense of confusion, unstable relationships, and self-destructive coping strategies. But as Van Dijk emphasizes, this isn’t about blame—it’s about understanding causes and reclaiming agency.

DBT: A Pathway to Balance

Van Dijk structures her book around the four fundamental DBT skill sets: mindfulness, distress tolerance, emotion regulation, and interpersonal effectiveness. Each is a critical piece in the larger puzzle of emotional mastery. Mindfulness helps you wake up to your life, teaching you how to stay in the present moment and accept reality as it is. Distress tolerance equips you with techniques to survive emotional crises without making matters worse. Emotion regulation develops your ability to identify, understand, and change emotions when necessary instead of being ruled by them. Lastly, interpersonal effectiveness strengthens your communication skills, helping you build relationships that are supportive rather than chaotic.

Van Dijk’s DBT adaptation for teens is conversational and full of relatable examples. She tells stories about clients like Michelle, who must decide whether to follow her dreams or base her future on her relationship, or Ashley, who learns to replace harsh self-judgment with self-awareness. Through these vignettes, abstract psychological principles come to life, allowing readers to see themselves in the struggles of others and to practice skills step by step.

Why Understanding Your Emotions Matters

For Van Dijk, self-awareness is the foundation of emotional health. When you don’t understand what you feel, emotions can appear random or uncontrollable, leading to impulsivity, conflict, or despair. The book explains the anatomy of emotions—the thoughts, physical sensations, and urges that together form an emotional response. For instance, fear doesn’t just live in the mind; it quickens your heart rate, tenses your muscles, and primes you to escape. Recognizing these signs gives you the power to pause before reacting, to engage your wise self—the balanced voice that integrates emotion, reason, and intuition.

Emotional balance doesn’t mean becoming numb or detached; rather, it’s about learning to experience feelings without letting them dictate your behavior. Van Dijk compares this to driving a car: you can acknowledge your emotions in the passenger seat, but your hands must remain on the wheel. Understanding that emotions are information—not commands—lets you choose your responses more effectively.

Turning Awareness into Action

The heart of Van Dijk’s method is practice. She insists that reading about these skills isn’t enough; change happens through consistent application. She offers practical exercises such as mindful breathing, emotion labeling, and compassion meditations. Each chapter ends with “Your Next Steps,” encouraging readers to take daily actions that gradually reshape their habits. This emphasis on practice sets Van Dijk apart from purely theoretical self-help authors and places her in the tradition of experiential learning—similar to the approaches described by Tara Brach in Radical Acceptance or Jon Kabat-Zinn’s mindfulness-based stress reduction programs.

Why This Book Matters Today

In a world dominated by social media comparison, academic pressure, and uncertainty, teens and young adults are increasingly vulnerable to emotional turbulence. Van Dijk’s approachable tone and workbook-style exercises make complex clinical concepts accessible to everyday readers. She helps normalize emotional pain rather than pathologizing it; she reminds readers that suffering is universal, but with the right tools, it doesn’t have to define your life. Her ultimate message echoes that of DBT founder Marsha Linehan: even when life feels unbearable, you can build a life worth living one mindful step at a time.

Through its blend of empathy, education, and empowerment, Surviving the Emotional Rollercoaster transforms emotional chaos into an opportunity for growth. It teaches that you can stop fighting your feelings and, instead, learn from them. The rollercoaster may never vanish—but with practice, you can ride it with courage, control, and compassion.

Mindfulness, the first DBT skill, is the cornerstone of emotional regulation. Van Dijk calls it “waking up to your life”—a phrase that captures both the simplicity and profundity of paying attention. Many of us live on autopilot, lost in regrets about the past or worries about the future, rarely noticing what’s happening right now. Mindfulness changes this by teaching you to focus on the present with acceptance rather than judgment.

The Two Parts of Mindfulness

According to Van Dijk, mindfulness has two key components: attention and acceptance. Attention means doing one thing at a time with full focus—reading, breathing, talking, walking—without letting your mind scatter. Acceptance means noticing what’s happening, internally and externally, without labeling it as good or bad. When you’re doing your homework and your sister starts making noise, mindfulness asks you to notice “There’s noise,” rather than judging, “She’s so annoying.” This shift quiets emotional reactivity.

Why Mindfulness Matters

Staying present lowers your emotional pain because you stop carrying the weight of the past and the burden of the future simultaneously. You may still experience sadness, anger, or fear, but you experience them for what they are—temporary feelings tied to the current moment. Over time, mindfulness increases positive emotions by helping you notice small joys that might otherwise slip by: the rhythm of your breath, a friend’s laughter, sunlight through a window. It also strengthens focus, memory, and self-control, which together form the backbone of emotional stability.

How to Practice: Informal and Formal Techniques

Van Dijk recommends both informal mindfulness—bringing awareness to everyday activities like brushing your teeth or walking—and formal practice, such as breathing meditation. Her four-step method boils mindfulness down to essentials: pick an activity, pay attention, notice wandering, and gently return to focus. There’s no failure in mindfulness because noticing distraction is itself the practice. Over time, this strengthens what neuroscientists call the “attention muscle.”

She also introduces the technique of narrating or witnessing, where you describe your experience without judgment—“I’m reading a book; I’m noticing my thoughts drifting”—to anchor yourself in the present. By labeling thoughts as “just thoughts” and feelings as “just feelings,” you create psychological distance, preventing yourself from being swept away by emotional storms.

Mindfulness in Daily Life

You can do anything mindfully: drive, eat, or talk to a friend. Van Dijk urges readers to start small and consistent—perhaps by practicing mindful breathing once a day, followed by mindful observation during a daily task. She even offers creative reminders like setting smartphone alerts or sticking notes on mirrors. Over time, mindfulness becomes less of an exercise and more of a habit—a way of being that keeps you grounded when life feels unstable. (As psychologist Jon Kabat-Zinn, who pioneered Western mindfulness, often says: “You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.”)

In the next stage of the emotional journey, Van Dijk explains that emotions are not mysterious forces but full-system responses involving your body, mind, and actions. Learning to name your feelings gives you the clarity to manage them effectively. When you simply say you feel “bad,” your brain stays foggy. But when you distinguish between sadness, fear, guilt, or anger, you can respond with precision instead of confusion.

The Six Core Emotions

Van Dijk identifies six basic categories—anger, fear, sadness, shame or guilt, love, and happiness. Each has unique triggers, sensations, and urges. For example, anger prompts an urge to attack and signals that something feels unjust; fear urges you to escape and protects you from danger; guilt encourages you to repair harm. Understanding these signals turns emotions into guides rather than obstacles.

Emotion vs. Thought vs. Behavior

One of Van Dijk’s most valuable insights is separating what you feel from what you think and do. Thoughts interpret situations (“She ignored me on purpose”), emotions color your experience (“I feel hurt”), and behaviors are what follow (“I snap at her”). By analyzing these three parts, you learn where change is possible—usually in thoughts and actions—which then influence emotions in turn. This mirrors cognitive-behavioral models of psychology that treat thoughts, feelings, and behaviors as interlocking gears.

Are Thoughts and Emotions Facts?

Van Dijk teaches that feelings and thoughts are experiences, not truths. Feeling unloved doesn’t prove you are unlovable; thinking “I failed” doesn’t mean you’re worthless. This perspective aligns with the principle in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) that “the problem is not the feeling, but the struggle with feeling.” When you observe your emotions like clouds passing in the sky—without clinging to them—you reclaim freedom from self-judgment.

By mindfully observing your emotional patterns, you begin to see how interpretation drives reaction. This awareness lays the groundwork for later skills, such as acting opposite to emotional urges or applying reality acceptance.

Van Dijk teaches that every person has three ways of thinking: the emotional self, the reasoning self, and the wise self. Learning to recognize and integrate these helps you slow down emotional reactions and make grounded choices.

Three States of Mind

Your emotional self acts from pure feeling—yelling when angry, withdrawing when sad, avoiding when anxious. Your reasoning self relies solely on logic, disregarding emotion and intuition. The wise self, however, blends both with inner knowing. In Michelle’s story, her wise self helps her choose the college aligned with her career dreams rather than following her boyfriend. This decision feels painful but correct, grounded in long-term wisdom over short-term comfort.

Getting to the Wise Self

Van Dijk offers tools to access wisdom: self-awareness, mindful breathing, and self-care. Simply pausing to ask, “What would my wise self do?” connects you with the part of you capable of reasoning even during chaos. She also emphasizes that physical wellbeing—balanced sleep, nutrition, and exercise—directly affects emotional regulation. Stimulants like caffeine or habits like sleep deprivation lower the threshold for emotional reactivity, while good health supports wise decision-making.

Like Buddhist and Stoic philosophies, this balance echoes the idea of equanimity: responding with calm clarity rather than impulse. As Marcus Aurelius wrote, “The nearer a man comes to a calm mind, the closer he is to strength.”

Judgments, Van Dijk argues, are fuel for emotional fire. Every time you think “I’m stupid,” “This shouldn’t happen,” or “He’s awful,” you intensify your emotional pain. Judging doesn’t solve problems; it keeps you stuck. To quiet intense emotions, you must learn to replace judgments with simple observations.

The Cost of Judging

Venting about “how terrible” someone was often feels good for a moment but only relives the original pain. Judgments make you more reactive, strain relationships, and damage self-esteem. Van Dijk reminds readers that judging yourself is like verbally abusing yourself—it’s bullying from the inside. If you wouldn’t say it to a friend, don’t say it to yourself.

From Judgment to Awareness

Using her “Gatekeeper” mindfulness exercise, Van Dijk helps you notice thoughts as they arrive—naming them without letting them set up camp. When a judgment appears (“I’m such a failure”), you convert it into a neutral statement of fact (“I failed this test”). Facts clarify; judgments inflame. She distinguishes between necessary evaluations—like grading or safety decisions—and emotional judgments that only increase suffering.

Practicing nonjudgment doesn’t mean becoming passive; it means choosing language that opens possibility instead of closing it. Over time, neutrality breeds compassion—for yourself and others.

In a culture that constantly tells you to “get over it,” Van Dijk teaches that one of the bravest things you can do is validate your emotions. Validation means acknowledging that your feelings make sense given your experiences—even when others don’t understand. It’s not indulgence; it’s self-respect.

Primary and Secondary Emotions

Many emotional spirals, Van Dijk explains, come from secondary emotions—how you feel about your feelings. Percy, a teen anxious about meeting new people, feels ashamed for his anxiety because his father mocks him for it. His shame amplifies fear into paralysis. If Percy can validate the primary emotion (“It’s okay to feel anxious; this is hard for me”), he removes the secondary response and becomes calmer.

Steps of Validation

Van Dijk outlines three ways to validate your emotions: acknowledging (naming what you feel), allowing (giving yourself permission to feel it), and understanding (seeing why it makes sense). Together they transform self-criticism into compassion. Accompanied by loving-kindness meditation, this practice reorients your inner voice toward friendliness rather than hostility.

As Buddhist teachers like Pema Chödrön also note, acceptance of emotion does not mean resignation—it’s the gateway to transformation. Once you stop fighting yourself, you can move forward.

Being effective, Van Dijk says, means doing what works—not what feels satisfying in the moment. Acting from your wise self instead of your emotional self helps you avoid decisions you’ll regret later. Like DBT’s philosophy of “behavioral pragmatism,” it’s about choosing the action that brings you closer to long-term goals.

The Power of Opposite Action

When emotions urge you toward potentially harmful behaviors, act opposite to their pull. If anger tells you to lash out, take a walk. If sadness tells you to isolate, reach out. If anxiety says “don’t go,” go anyway. This technique retrains the emotional brain, teaching that feelings are temporary and bearable. Van Dijk’s case examples, such as Nick resisting the urge to quit his volunteer job out of frustration, show how opposite action fosters resilience and integrity.

Focusing on Goals and Values

Van Dijk reminds readers to keep their eyes on long-term outcomes. Ask: “What’s my goal here?” and “Is being right more important than being effective?” This echoes Stephen Covey’s principle of “begin with the end in mind.” Emotional effectiveness means balancing short-term relief with long-run well-being.

This skill helps bridge the gap between awareness and action, turning insight into real-life change.

Reality acceptance, one of DBT’s most profound and challenging skills, teaches that while pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. According to Van Dijk, suffering occurs when we resist what is—telling ourselves “This shouldn’t have happened.” Acceptance isn’t approval or forgiveness; it’s acknowledgment.

From Fighting to Flowing

Van Dijk illustrates with stories like Carly, who resents her friend’s betrayal, only to spiral into increased anger and self-destruction. Her pain turns to suffering because she refuses to accept reality. Once Carly accepts that the friendship has ended, pain remains but suffering eases, freeing her to heal. Acceptance, Van Dijk writes, is not giving up—it’s the opposite. You can only change what you’ve first acknowledged.

The Four Steps of Acceptance

1. Make the choice to accept. 2. Commit to practice. 3. Notice the fighting. 4. Reach for acceptance again. Acceptance is an internal conversation—swinging between “It’s not fair” and “It is what it is.” Repeating this dialogue builds endurance and peace. Van Dijk clarifies that acceptance doesn’t condone injustice but liberates you from emotional captivity. (This approach parallels Viktor Frankl’s teaching in Man’s Search for Meaning—finding freedom in acceptance.)

In moments of crisis, Van Dijk notes, intense emotions tempt us toward impulsive coping—substance use, self-harm, or withdrawal. Distress tolerance skills function like an emotional first-aid kit, helping you endure without adding more pain.

Assessing the Crisis

A crisis, she explains, is any situation you can’t change immediately but must manage. Examples include fights, losses, or rejection. The goal isn’t instant resolution but survival with integrity. To begin, she introduces a “pros and cons” technique: listing short- and long-term effects of impulsive actions versus skillful ones, helping the wise self choose wisely.

Healthy Coping Strategies

Van Dijk’s list of coping tools reads like a lifeline: distract yourself, soothe your senses, or reframe thoughts. She encourages readers to create personalized lists in advance—TV shows, music, walking, journaling—so they’re ready when crisis hits. She reminds that mindfulness of the moment (“just get through the next fifteen minutes”) can prevent emotional explosion. Acting opposite to destructive urges builds confidence that you can survive distress without harming yourself.

By combining self-awareness and coping action, these tools turn survival into strength, gradually replacing destructive patterns with constructive resilience.

After learning to manage distress, Van Dijk shifts focus to building joy and connection. Emotional stability isn’t just about managing pain—it’s about cultivating pleasure, mastery, and healthy bonds. Positive emotions, she notes, require effort; they don’t magically appear.

Creating Positivity

Van Dijk teaches readers to overcome the brain’s negativity bias by intentionally seeking micro-moments of pleasure—a kind word, sunlight, laughter. Scheduling these moments rewires the mind. She frames goal-setting as emotional hygiene: having projects and dreams keeps you grounded and hopeful.

Mastery and Motivation

Sometimes, motivation follows action, not vice versa. Van Dijk encourages you to “just do it”—start small, complete one task, and success itself will generate energy. This behavioral activation technique parallels therapies for depression. Feeling capable is as healing as feeling happy.

Healthy Relationships

Finally, she explores interpersonal effectiveness—communicating assertively, setting limits, and balancing give and take. Healthy connection requires openness and boundaries alike. Whether learning to listen mindfully or to say no respectfully, these skills sustain relationships that nurture rather than drain you. As Van Dijk concludes, emotional well-being blossoms when you combine mindfulness, acceptance, self-compassion, and meaningful connection—a balanced life worth living.