Can We Talk

When was the last time someone said, “Can we talk?” and your heart sank? In Can We Talk?: Seven Principles for Managing Difficult Conversations at Work, Roberta Chinsky Matuson asserts that these three little words—often dreaded—hold the key to healthier workplaces, stronger leadership, and better relationships. Matuson argues that while most people avoid hard conversations to maintain peace, avoidance actually fuels conflict, resentment, and organizational dysfunction. True leaders, she contends, must learn how to talk openly, honestly, and compassionately even when it’s uncomfortable.

Through her approachable style and stories from decades of coaching executives, Matuson introduces seven guiding principles for managing challenging conversations: confidence, clarity, compassion, curiosity, compromise, credibility, and courage. These principles form a step-by-step framework that can transform even high-stress discussions into opportunities for growth and understanding.

The Avoidance Epidemic

In the introduction, Matuson describes what she calls a workplace “avoidance epidemic.” She cites studies showing that 70% of employees regularly avoid hard conversations with peers or managers, costing organizations billions in lost productivity. She tells how her own painful experience with a nightmare boss—who fired her without ever expressing clear expectations—sparked her passion for teaching others to have better conversations. The takeaway: discomfort is inevitable, but silence is far more damaging.

Matuson reframes conflict as a chance for connection. She likens bad communication to a car crash you can see coming but feel powerless to prevent—a metaphor that captures how unspoken frustrations eventually erupt. Her message is reassuring: with preparation, trust, and emotional intelligence, anyone can navigate even the toughest discussions gracefully.

Why Words Matter More Than Ever

Matuson contextualizes her message in a changing workplace landscape. Hybrid communication, remote teams, and digital miscommunication make the ability to talk openly more crucial than ever. She critiques the “corporate kindness” trend that equates niceness with goodness, arguing that kindness without candor breeds toxicity. She quotes management thinkers like Joseph Grenny (Crucial Conversations) and Marshall Goldsmith to confirm that accountability depends on brave, frequent dialogue.

One of Matuson’s memorable tools is the Conversation Equation: it takes two people—and mutual respect—to make a conversation, but most workplace talks are one-sided monologues. The first rule of dialogue, she insists, is listening. The “success shuffle” she recommends is like the game of shuffleboard: take turns moving forward, listen before you respond, and aim for progress, not domination.

A Framework for Change

Each of the seven principles adds a missing piece to what she calls a “fast-pass” to relational effectiveness. Confidence helps you trust yourself enough to speak; Clarity ensures you know your purpose before you speak; Compassion reminds you to seek understanding, not victory. Curiosity keeps conversations open rather than defensive; Compromise transforms conflict into collaboration; Credibility makes your words matter; and Courage helps you persist even when power dynamics or fear stand in your way.

What makes Matuson’s approach so engaging is her blend of psychology, leadership theory, and real-world experience. She coaches the reader through practical habits—writing scripts, anticipating emotional triggers, and practicing empathy—to replace anxiety with confidence. As she writes, “We can’t control what others say, but we can control how we respond.”

From Silence to Speaking Up

Ultimately, Can We Talk? is a manifesto for reclaiming your voice at work. Whether you’re confronting a boss, resolving team friction, or dealing with an underperformer, Matuson’s message is clear: courage is contagious. One authentic, respectful conversation can cascade into organizational trust. She calls readers to end the epidemic of avoidance and build a workplace where people talk, listen, and grow—together.

Confidence is the foundation of all successful communication. Matuson calls it the first and most essential of her seven principles because without it, we censor ourselves, defer to others, and end up having the conversation only in our heads. She begins with an example of Don, a manager who blames his boss for a failed report deadline instead of owning his mistake. Looking back, Don realizes that if he had simply apologized and taken responsibility, his credibility would have skyrocketed. The real issue? A lack of self-trust.

Overcoming Self-Doubt

Matuson compares confidence to a muscle—you strengthen it through repetition. She teaches readers to identify the inner “should have, could have, would have” voice that sabotages calm communication. The cure is practical: positive self-talk, affirmations, and small wins. For example, instead of second-guessing your capability, remind yourself, “What I think, I become.” Gradually, these internal reminders shift the mental tone from self-criticism to self-trust.

The Bank of Trust

One of Matuson’s most memorable metaphors is the “Bank of Trust.” Every act of reliability or empathy—meeting a deadline, keeping a promise, volunteering to help—makes a deposit. Every broken promise or instance of blame is a withdrawal. The goal is to stay in the positive so that when high-stakes conversations occur, you have relational capital to draw on. For instance, an employee who goes the extra mile will likely receive a flexible response when requesting vacation during busy season; one who avoids responsibility will not.

This idea echoes Stephen Covey’s concept of the “emotional bank account” (The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People), reinforcing that trust is cumulative and behavioral, not theoretical. Matuson reminds leaders that consistency earns confidence—from yourself and others.

Self-Trust in Action

A vivid story illustrates self-trust at work: a department head must fire her own sister for underperforming. Fear and guilt delay her decision, but when she finally acts, she learns what Matuson emphasizes—trusting your instincts is kinder than avoiding the truth. Confidence doesn’t mean detachment; it means having faith in your ability to handle whatever response comes. People sense authenticity; when you speak with steadiness, others reciprocate with respect.

Ultimately, confidence and trust form a two-way loop. You trust yourself enough to speak clearly, which builds others’ trust in you. Without these, no difficult conversation can succeed. Matuson observes, “You can’t expect others to trust you if you don’t trust yourself.” The takeaway is not bravado but steadiness—the quiet strength to speak truth with respect.

If confidence gives you the courage to talk, clarity gives you the aim. Matuson’s second principle reminds you that unclear objectives derail conversations. She relates a painful story of a boss who ambushed her with a critique but didn’t even know what he wanted. The message: before speaking, know your intention, your outcome, and your audience.

Getting Clear on Objectives

Clarity starts with asking yourself a few questions: What’s the purpose of this talk? What result do I want? What’s my level of commitment? Matuson presents a “Conversation Readiness Assessment” where you rate your readiness on twelve dimensions—from emotional steadiness to timing and location. The tool helps you see if you’re prepared or acting impulsively. She insists that you shouldn’t start any conversation until you can define both your “why” and your “next step.”

Understanding Communication Styles

She introduces a four-part social styles model—Driver, Amiable, Expressive, and Analytical—based on William Moulton Marston’s research. Knowing your counterpart’s style determines how to frame the conversation. A data-oriented Analytical needs facts, a Driver wants brevity, an Expressive values enthusiasm, and an Amiable prioritizes harmony. Tailoring your tone and pacing boosts clarity and empathy simultaneously.

Listening as a Clarity Tool

A key takeaway: clarity isn’t just about saying; it’s about hearing. Lisa Larter, a CEO featured in the book, learns this lesson when she ignores her employee’s pleas for help—until another manager confirms the same complaint. By the time Lisa realizes her assumption was wrong, the employee has lost trust. The remedy, Matuson says, is active listening: repeating back what you heard, pausing before responding, and asking clarifying questions like, “Can you say more about that?” Effective clarity demands curiosity, not control.

Matuson ends with a warning against “the need to be right,” which always breeds the wrong result. The goal is progress, not victory. As she notes, “You can be 100 percent right and still come out on the wrong end of a conversation.” True clarity lies in shared understanding, not one-sided precision.

If clarity is the head, compassion is the heart of tough conversations. Matuson’s third principle shows how empathy turns confrontation into connection. Her own early mistakes as a young boss—pressuring employees with sick children to meet deadlines—taught her that results mean little if people feel unseen. Compassion, she argues, is not weakness; it’s emotional intelligence in action.

Seeing Through Another’s Eyes

Putting yourself in someone else’s shoes requires pausing your ego and assumptions. Matuson recounts sales executive Matt Androski’s story: he criticized an employee for underperforming, unaware she was caring for a sick parent. When she revealed her burden, he apologized—but his timing was off because he immediately pivoted to another criticism. Compassion requires pacing: when emotions rise, empathy must take the lead before analysis resumes.

The Power of Nonverbal Cues

Words convey intent, but body language conveys truth. Matuson notes that mismatched signals—such as saying “I understand” while rolling your eyes or shuffling papers—destroy trust. She advises paying attention to facial expressions, posture, and tone. Lean in, maintain eye contact, and allow silence. Silence, she says, “may be the most compassionate sound in the world.” As in active listening, pauses show respect and give others the space to compose themselves.

Balancing Empathy with Boundaries

Her concept of “hyper-empathy” cautions against over-identifying with others. Sue Bergamo’s story of allowing an exhausted new father endless leniency, only to damage her team’s performance, reveals that compassion must coexist with accountability. Being kind also means being clear about consequences. Matuson concludes: empathy opens the door, but boundaries keep the room balanced.

Compassionate conversations change workplace culture. They replace blame with understanding and defensiveness with trust. As she observes, “People bring their whole selves to work. Ignoring that truth is the fastest path to conflict.” Showing care, even in correction, is what makes hard conversations human.

The fourth principle, curiosity, is the bridge between empathy and influence. Matuson insists that curiosity doesn’t kill cats—it saves conversations. Asking the right questions transforms confrontations into collaborations. “The moment you start trying to convince,” she notes, “you stop trying to learn.”

The Power of Questions

Curiosity means replacing accusation with inquiry. She encourages open-ended prompts such as “Help me understand,” “What led you to that decision?” or “What outcome are you hoping for?” These disarm defensiveness and surface hidden information. One anonymous leader fixes a failing employee relationship by asking, “What would make your job meaningful again?”—and learns the real issue wasn’t performance but poor role fit. The employee moves roles and thrives.

Encouraging Curiosity in Others

Matuson argues that workplaces often stifle curiosity with hierarchies, rules, and impatience. Leaders say they want “innovators,” then punish risk-takers when they fail. She cites Henry Ford’s downfall with the Model T as a cautionary tale: success can blind us to new questions. To reverse this, she urges leaders to model inquisitiveness instead of judgment—asking “What did you learn?” after a misstep instead of “What went wrong?”

Curiosity vs. Judgment

Judgment shuts doors; curiosity opens them. Matuson describes her own trigger—a colleague who wagged her finger when disagreeing—and how she learned to stop reacting defensively by pausing, breathing, and asking neutral questions. Tone and timing transform critique into dialogue. Echoing psychologist Marshall Goldsmith’s feedforward method, Matuson teaches focusing on possibilities rather than blame: “What can we do next time?” rather than “Why did you fail?”

In short, curiosity is conversational agility—the courage to replace certainty with discovery. It keeps you in learner mode, even when emotions flare. Matuson writes, “If you’re curious, you can’t be judgmental.” That mindset alone can rescue almost any derailed discussion.

By the time you reach the fifth principle—compromise—you’ve built trust, empathy, and curiosity. Now it’s time to turn tension into teamwork. Matuson defines compromise not as losing ground but as earning respect by showing respect. In today’s polarized workplaces, this idea is radical.

Mutual Respect as the Soil of Compromise

Matuson opens with a striking story: a once cutthroat executive reenters the workforce at a nonprofit and struggles because collaboration—not domination—is the new success metric. Learning respect means letting go of zero-sum thinking. She recounts an anecdote of a raise negotiation gone wrong when a frustrated employee slammed his hand on the table; the boss assumed he was quitting. In the alternate version, the employee calmly stated his minimum and maximum expectations and ended up with a promotion instead of a pink slip. Preparation and respect change everything.

Finding Common Ground

To find common ground, Matuson advises focusing on the “why,” keeping eyes on the larger prize, and being open to all alternatives. She echoes Dale Carnegie’s principle: let the other person save face. A client’s coaching story—transforming a defensive employee into a collaborator once she shared the “why” behind a coaching plan—demonstrates that alignment beats authority.

Influence Without Manipulation

Matuson defines influence as “asking for what you need in a way that allows the other person to say yes.” Her formula involves deposits in the Bank of Trust, repairing relationships before persuasion, making requests specific, and adopting a W.I.F.M. mindset (“What’s in it for me?”). In one illustrative dialogue, instead of ordering a staff reassignment, she advises framing it as an opportunity for growth—transforming potential resistance into loyalty.

Her practical advice on “stepping back to move forward” and “getting comfortable with silence” gives compromise its soul. When both parties feel heard, silence can finalize resolution better than any argument. As she concludes, “Aim for progress, not perfection.” That line captures compromise’s mature wisdom.

If compromise relies on mutual trust, credibility is what sustains it. Matuson’s sixth principle reminds leaders that “your word is only as good as your actions.” Titles confer authority, but credibility confers influence. She illustrates this through her own story: at 24, a newly minted HR director with a corner office but little respect. Only through consistency and humility did she earn true authority.

What Credibility Is (and Isn’t)

Credibility, she writes, grows from congruence: aligning what you say, do, and intend. It’s not education, but integrity—though symbols like degrees can help signal competence. She warns against “title arrogance” using the downfall of Enron’s Kenneth Lay and Theranos’s Elizabeth Holmes as cautionary tales: charisma without consistency leads to collapse.

The Power of Perception

People judge not your intentions but their experience of you. Matuson offers tactical tools like her Credibility Assessment—a 12-item checklist measuring honesty, responsiveness, and reliability. One story contrasts two managers: John, a COO who loses trust by invoking his title (“because I said so”), and Jacqueline, a scientist fighting to change her colleagues’ perception. Jacqueline learns that sometimes you can’t change entrenched bias—and the bravest choice is to seek a new environment. Credibility, then, is situational currency: it can be rebuilt, but not everywhere.

In remote work settings, Matuson adds, credibility depends on presence. Turn cameras on, follow through on commitments, and send gratitude notes. Leadership at a distance demands visibility. As she puts it, “People don’t work for companies—they work for people they trust.”

Matuson ends with the virtue that binds all others: courage. Having confidence, compassion, and clarity means nothing if fear keeps you silent. Courage, she says, is “the determination to move forward despite the fear.” And in the realm of difficult conversations, bravery often means doing what’s uncomfortable but necessary.

The Courage of Your Talent

She illustrates courage through vivid stories: Andrea Nation, who lashes out at an employee and later apologizes, learning humility; Peter Rinnig, a business owner who tearfully lays off employees during COVID-19 but saves his company; and Aileen Amor-Bautista, who follows her boss to the parking lot to advocate for her promotion—and wins. Each story shows courage as action, not absence of fear, guided by values and timing.

Navigating Office Politics

Far from villainizing politics, Matuson frames it as “the art of using power ethically.” She teaches how to advocate for headcount, resist unfair firings, and pursue promotions without losing integrity. For example, when asking for resources, aligning your request with your boss’s goals (“This will strengthen your top priority”) turns persuasion into partnership. This echoes Jeffrey Pfeffer’s work in Managing with Power—influence as survival skill, not manipulation.

Choosing which Battles to Fight

Not every conversation deserves your energy. Some will resolve themselves or involve unchangeable people. Yet when silence equals self-betrayal, courage means speaking anyway. Matuson provides reflective “courage-readiness questions” to help you discern when to engage. Courage, she reminds, doesn’t promise comfort—it promises growth.

In the end, she encourages readers to “keep talking,” because communication, like courage, is a practice. The more often you do it, the easier it becomes—and the healthier your workplace and self-respect will be.